Why I Saw It: Like I'm not going to see a live-action Turtles movie?
Cast: Let's get this out of the way. Megan Fox isn't the best actress. A lot of people hold April O'Neil near and dear to their hearts, so I can understand the disappointment. She's not worse than the material she's given in this. That's all you should be expected in the first place. Will Arnett saves this movie several times. He's such a pro at delivering the hell out of a line, that he makes beats work constantly that have no business getting a laugh. The turtles are stock characters at this point. Michelangelo gets all the funny lines. Raphael has to learn a lesson about being part of a team. Leonardo is the golden-boy leader. Donatello is there for any time they need a gadget. Splinter is their Sensei and Shredder is a non-character with a really imposing suit. They stay true to these characters, although a lot of it relies on knowing who the characters of from other incarnations. Anyone coming to this new will find all the characters painfully thin.
Plot: The plot itself is a mess. There's no way around that. It starts with a brief prologue about the Turtles before following April around for a while, as she is the only one who suspects that the turtles (or "vigilantes" as she calls them) exist. We know that the Foot Clan are the bad guys, although we don't really know their motivation. Eventually, they reveal a back story that makes the movie feel so small. Like, the kind of coincidences in how the stories intertwine would be suffocating if this was a small town. In New York, it is beyond absurd. The Foot Clan has a master plan that makes no sense at all, but it involves the turtles and a ticking clock and having to fight on the roof of a building. You know the drill.
Elephant in the Room: But what about the turtles? I'm not in the group of fans who think the original movies are anything special. They are fine and of a generation. Making a new movie is cool with me as long as they are true to an interpretation of the characters. There's a couple great moments of that (one in an elevator in particular which captured a feeling I'd've loved to see throughout the movie). The action was less hokey than in the 90s movies. There is actual fighting, and the sequences that embrace the kinetic energy of the protagonists are the best parts. I'm torn about the look of the turtles, because they look good but they look like CG. The original movies, for all their flaws did come off as real characters, like they were taking up space in the scenes. These turtles didn't so much.
Movie Theater LVPs: This goes to the row of children behind me who laughed every single time they said of showed the word "Sacks" (the name of this movie's Oscorp). I get it. I'd giggle to the first time I saw it, and there is one scene when they say "Sacks" so many times that I think they were going for a little sophomoric humor. By the end though, the laughing got annoying. To be fair, I should've known better than to see a matinee of a movie like this.
To Sum Things Up:
The biggest issue this movie had is that it didn't know if it wanted to wink at the camera or if it wanted to take itself seriously. There's definitely some scenes that I was supposed to laugh at the irony of it all. Normally, they were bookended by scene's that I'm supposed to be emotionally invested in. Michael Bay only produced this. He didn't direct it, as a lot of people seem to think. The Transformers model (the 2007 movie) is what they should've been following. Have the human characters struggle to get used to this then adapt. Keep the turtles consistent in their tone. Insert as much frenetic action as possible to showcase what makes the turtles fun. And, keep a simple story, with antagonists that pose a clear and urgent threat. Don't be so focused on world-building or being cool for all the 20-somethings who are going to shit on this no matter what they do. I mean, this is a Nickelodeon co-production with a PG-13 rating. How is that not missing the point?
Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend
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