Cast: There's a lot of them, because, as I said, stunt casting. All this movie does for Danny Trejo is remind me that he is not a lead actor (no offense to him). Enough about him though. Jessica Alba is basically a cameo, which was sad. Lady Gaga is fun and that's about all I can say there. Sofia Vergara is another looney flavor in the movie, basically serving as a breast alternative to Rose McGowan in Grindhouse. Alexa Vega is present enough to remind me that she has grown up a lot since Spy Kids. As usual, Amber Heard is there to be extremely attractive. Michelle Rodriguez reprises (I'm guessing) her eye patched role from the first movie. Charlie Sheen - excuse me - Carlos Estevez is playing POTUS. That should sum up the whole thing. You also have Vanessa Hudgens, Mel Gibson, Demian Bichir, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding Jr, and Walton Goggins are all in it to some capacity as well. This all goes to show that Robert Rodriguez has a lot of friends.
Plot: I cannot stress enough how much this reminded me of Smoking Aces with a hint of any movie in which a bomb threatens Washington DC. The chameleon characters in both movies are nearly identical. The bounty on the titular character's head is a catalyst for both. Even the screen debuts of Gaga and Alicia Keys are reminiscent. If not for Machete's extreme lack of budget and cartoonish violence, I would call it a lazy rip-off. The parts that don't mirror Aces, however, are what really brings it down.
Elephant in the Room: Is there anything good about this movie? That depends of what you call good. I laughed a good deal throughout this and it is intended to be laughed at. I also certainly enjoyed all the T&A although I can get that from the internet, so that isn't enough to justify spending money on a ticket. The existence of the movie is where most of the humor comes from so that will dictate your mileage. There is no humor generated by anything more than "look how much we aren't trying to make this look good".
To Sum Things Up:
I've seen it once and that's enough. It is rightfully bombing in the theaters. I found it to a be a good deal longer than it needed to be. Good movies I let carry on. Bad movies, I follow the Tommy Wiseau principal: a second longer than 90 minutes is like pulling teeth.
Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend
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