*Any Pirates movie would work, but this one is the worst, so it seems most appropriate.
I think this sums up the focus of the movie.
Why I Saw It: I have been so completely inundated with previews, trailers, behind the scenes, billboards, park benches, urinal cakes, and any other possible advertising imaginable in the past year that they wore me down.
Cast: Did you know that Johnny Depp is in this? I know, the previews are really cryptic about it, but he is a lead character. Basically, he plays Johnny Depp doing a bad impression of Captain Jack Sparrow while never using a complete sentence. The supposed actual lead is Armie Hammer although the movie could not be less interested showcasing him. I think he is fine, but the victim of having nothing to do (I hope this movie doesn't kill his career momentum). William Fichtner and Tom Wilkinson are the main villains. I really don't know what their connection is. They never really explain all that. Fichtner is hammy as all hell and Wilkinson is a generic evil capitalist. Ruth Wilson is the token female protagonist/perpetual victim. There's also a kid who I think I'm supposed to like. Oh, and Helena Bonham Carter is there too. She has an ivory leg that's also a gun. That's her entire character.
Plot: I don't know. Hammer a lawman and he brother is killed. Tonto saves him because a horse tells him to. Hammer puts on a mask for some reason and becomes the Lone Ranger. Then there's something about building a railroad and stealing silver. Oh, and rabbits are carnivores because some guy eats another guy's heart. I don't know what was going on. It's two and a half hours long I barely had any idea what was going on. Maybe it was the editing but the story was sloppy as hell. This could all be forgiven if the tone fit or the action was well enough done. Sadly, the tone switches between serious and campy constantly and with no grace and the action is so over the top that I had trouble following any of it.
Elephant in the Room: But what about Johnny Depp playing a Native American? Frankly, there's so much to criticize that Depp, a white guy, playing a Native American is almost not even worth mentioning, especially because that is something literally every reviewer of this movie has zeroed in on. It is a painfully tactless casting move, although I think the character is mostly just annoying.
To Sum Things Up:
I hate piling on about a movie because I realize that it is hard to make a movie and the fact that they ever come together well is a minor miracle. That said, I thoroughly disliked this movie. There's no two ways about it. See virtually anything else.
Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend
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