Driving

So, this was more of a result of me riffing at work under the theme of driving. Not as coherent as most of these other, mildly coherent posts.


The Bad Direction Friend:
Everyone has that friend, at leat on a city to city basis, who can't give directions if his life depended on it. Even with the simplest directions, he can get you lost. My buddy will say something like "It's 3 lights past the expressway, on the left, but, you'll be coming from the other side...so you will want to make a right at the first light past 3rd street, which, from where you will be coming is the fifth right, ignoring the lights." ...The damndest thing is, he gives directions so badly because he knows everything too well. He's trying to give the shortcuts to people from out of town. That family from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre owes everything to this person.

I've listened to my friend give directions to someone who knew where they were going and got them lost. If he could channel this ability into honest misdirection, he could make a killing as one of those change-up artists getting change for a 20 at a store or something.

That's not to say I'm better. I know maybe 10 street names in this city on a good day. My directions are reliant on landmarks that may or may not be there: "You want to look for a McDonalds on the left. No, they changed that to a bank, but it's across the street from a Valvoline, or a Thortons: some sort of car place." Normally, I try to arrange it so that I'm giving real time directions over the phone, which always play out like a game of Telephone (get it?) since the passenger, not the driver, always seems to be the one on the phone with you. Ever notice how those calls cut out 75% more than any other time you're on the phone (except perhaps when the doctor calls to give the results on the test)?


GPS:
 I'm undecided on which type of person annoys me more: the person who insists that GPS is always wrong, or the one who insists it's always right. Both are annoying... No, the one who thinks it's wrong is worse, almost always. Even if my GPS is wrong and I'm convinced it won't be I'm only a street or a turn off. I make it most of the way there. The person who thinks the GPS is always wrong acts like it is going to accidentally send me to Topeka and then he proceeds to give me detailed instructions from the moment I pull out of my driveway. Look, I have trouble remembering a grocery list when it is for s beer run (Hint: get beer. Nothing else matters). Odds of me remembering your second-to-second 43 step instructions are about as likely as me picking up a date on the drive there. In fact, I used to get 43-step instructions, but I got it from map-quest and still found that too tedious. That's why I got the GPS!

Other Part of Town:
 I also don't do well when people say an area of town like I'm supposed to know what that is. And, I'm sorry, but saying something is "over in Peewee Valley, by the book store" is not considered helpful, especially if I don't know where Peewee Valley is. Here's a good direction strategy for everyone out there. Start big, then add precision, fill in the step by step when needed. Louisville. Yes, I know that. Bardstown road. Gotcha. I can get there. Trevallian. I don't know that. I'm coming from the Expressway onto Bardstown. How do I get there? If your first instinct is to start your directions anywhere other than Bardstown road, you are doing it wrong.



Passengers:
I know I tend to drive my friends crazy when I drive them around: the A-type drivers, that is, who love driving. I hate driving and intend to get a chauffeur as soon as I can reasonably afford one. Because of this, I learn only what I must to get anywhere. I don't do shortcuts. I do auto-pilot. If it is a choice between you telling me where I need to turn, when I need to switch lanes, and driving down back roads or turning my brain off, going the one way I know how, and taking five minutes longer, I will make the same choice every time, so shut the fuck up and don't touch my iPod.