Car Experts

I’m not sure which type of person I dislike more: car experts or people who act like they’re car experts.
You see, the Car Expert makes me feel bad every time I talk to him. He tells me how everything in my car needs to be better/newer/replaced and he makes a big deal if I don’t know what a fan belt is/does*. The worst is when he knows every horror story about every car. He finds out what kind of car I drive, then goes on to tell me how it is known for having faulty break systems. From then on I’m paranoid I’m going to wreck every time I get on the road when previously all I worried about was that oil change I’ve been putting off for a year**. The one good thing is that he always has a “guy” he can put me in touch with who can get me a discount (they claim) by dropping his name.

* Apparently, it has nothing to do with keeping the car cool.
** This is where I admit there is some legitimacy to them insulting everything about my car

The Wannabe Car Expert is easy to detect. This is the person who when you tell him you have a flat tire and he asks you how old your car is (or how old the tires are). You say your car won’t start and he asks you what kind of tires you have***. This is the well-intentioned lad who thinks that because he knows how to change his oil or fill his anti-freeze he is able to diagnose engine trouble. He doesn’t leave me with the lowered sense of self-worth like the Car Expert, but he is much harder to shake because he is determined to prove himself. Expect a lot of information that is not even tangentially related to your car and several stories that begin with “so the guy at Valvoline told me…” or “I was at Pep Boys the other day…”

*** As you can see, I am no car expert, so 90% of my car examples involve tires for some reason.

On an unrelated note, is there something about rotating your tires that I don’t get? Can’t I do that with a car jack and a spare tire? As far as car maintenance goes, that’s up there with washing and waxing that I feel I could even do without screwing up. This is a legit question. I haven't asked anyone about this and I want to know if I'd be able to rotate my tires without some magic knowledge.