Ranting about Being on the Elevator

Since selling my soul and going Corporate (still nobler than being destitute). I've gotten a glimpse into a fascinating world: Elevators. Before starting my job, my experience with the elevator was a novelty: at a hotel on vacation or maybe when I had a class in that tall building on campus or maybe a service elevator if I wanted to mooch off a handicapped friend. But, after having daily interaction in this world, I've made some observations.

First, I love the personality types. Sure, most people are like me: quiet, polite, and giving a half-hearted smile if you accidentally make eye contact. Some people take that too far though. You've seen that guy who looks like he wants to kill everyone on the elevator*. I imagine he was alone on the elevator when he got on. He just wants to go home and play Call of Duty (I work in an IT building), then 3 floors from the bottom, a bunch of chatterboxes get on too lazy to go down the fucking stairs...Ok, some days I'm that guy.

At the other end of the spectrum is that person who seems determined to make a friend by the time she gets off the elevator. I hate that woman. I don't do small talk with my friends, what makes you think I want to talk about "traffic today" with you. "Oh, she doesn't know any better" you say. That's right. She doesn't know, so don't talk to me like she does. At the very least save it for someone on your floor if they are on there.

Another person I love (and by love, I mean hate) is the floor general. You know the guy. While everyone else goes to the back to let people in, he jettisons to the button board and starts taking requests like a fucking DJ. The trick is, the first time I have to repeat myself to have the floor chosen he should lose that job. It's bad enough traffic sucked getting there, I'm running late, and this friendly lady from my floor keeps talking to me about the wreck she heard about on the traffic report. I don't want to miss my floor because some guy in middle management with control issues won't let anyone else get the thrill of seeing the button light up when they press it. Besides, that thing's going to the top floor. I don't know what's on the top floor. It's like the end of the subway or stopping on the 13th floor. I am not ready to see that.

You want to fuck with people on the elevator? When someone gets off, don't reshift where you are standing. Watch as everyone else tries to rebalance where they are standing. The best part is, they are trying to beat the clock because the second those doors close it is like playing freeze tag. But really, don't do that. I can't stand an unbalanced elevator and I hate standing near people enough already.

Here's the thing. I'm only on the elevator for maybe a minute at most, but it is either the last minute before I have to go and work for the day or the first minute I have not working. Both of these count as "me time", so save your "clever" quip, let me listen to my iPod in peace, and for fuck's sake, don't get in the elevator to go down one floor.