Rant: Funeral Processions

Funeral processions are a funny thing. And that's ignoring the rest of the funeral customs because it's all pretty crazy for the uninitiated. So, you have a dead body that you need to move from point A to point B, and everyone needs to come along. The odd part is, they get priority on the road. Why? Their condition isn't changing. Meanwhile, I miss my turn because Grandpa's death crew gets to drive down the median at 15 mph. What's the point in giving the procession priority on the road if it's only moving 10 mph BELOW the speed limit? One time I was going down the road and a funeral procession actually caused traffic to get backed up. I was pissed and cursing to myself until I saw what was causing it. There's really not a way to not feel like an ass after that. When I think about it though it's probably for the best funeral processions get rule of the road. I can't imagine many things worse than being stuck driving a hearse in bumper to bumper traffic in the middle of July. Oh, and if the A.C. is broken. I imagine embalming can only take away so much of the problem when put in an oven. I don't know what cooked human smells like.

You know, it's never good to lose a family member or loved one, but it's kind of fun when you make the cut to get one of those "Funeral" flags for the drive. It makes me feel special. Alternately, I always feel bad for the cut off car, the first one in the procession without one of the flags. I like to pretend it's the car of a mistress who the family refuses to recognize.

I thought about keeping one of those flags. It'd be great for when traffic sucks. I put that in the window, look sad, and start playing the intro music for The Undertaker. A flawless plan.
Another car I like to find in the procession is the person rocking out in his car. There's always a great-niece or someone who came directly from working the morning shift at McDonald's with a car that is more rust than metal, listening to hip-hop, proving that the only thing that works well in the car is the sub woofer. And this car is sandwiched between a car full of AARP members and one with people pissed to use a day off for this. For this reason, I have my funeral mix ready: It's mostly just Lord of the Rings soundtracks, a few versions of "Cat's in the Cradle", and Bobby McFerrin's timeless hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy" because, even in my grief I can appreciate irony. Otherwise, the terrorists have won.

Speaking of bad things happening. If the hearse gets in a wreck, how do you figure the body count?

All I know is that I judge people based on the length of their procession. Example: Hobo, none. Michael Jackson, Staples Center. Ok, not the best example but my point stands. That's why I have been making efforts to pad my numbers. Like any good Catholic, I refuse to wear a condom. I never donate money unless the beneficiaries know exactly who it came from. Lastly, I have been building up an extensive network of enemies. It's going to be a packed house just from people who want to make sure I'm dead.

Final tip: Make sure to drive a nice car in the funeral procession, because someone will be offended if you have to say your car died on the way to the funeral.