Movie Reaction: Ted

Formula: A dirty Muppets
          You, Me, and Dupree + Teddy Ruxpin
          Toy Story + Bad Santa

Cast: I feel like I should dislike Mark Wahlberg, but I don't. It's as simple as that. He's a real good sport in this. It took me about half the movie to remember the Mila Kunis/Meg connection for the casting. Remembering that, it shouldn't come as a surprise how willing she is "to go there" with the jokes the way the movie calls on. Beyond those two and Ted, who I'll get to in a second, there's no one here who got more than a couple scenes, but this one was chock-full of cameos and small roles and almost all of them hit. Also, this probably has the best D-list character since Lou Ferigno in I Love You, Man.

 Plot: No curve balls here. It is exactly what the previews make it out to be. My one knock, perhaps is that numerous times, it strays away from being a pure comedy where you can tell Seth McFarlane wants to do more, and it stretches out the movie. You'll notice that every joke from the previews are in the first 30 minutes. There's still some good ones later on, but this is pretty top-heavy.

Ted: It's pretty impressive how well they animate Ted. Never once was I distracted by a moment where I noticed he was animated. He is integrated into the scenes tremendously and is a character on the screen from beginning to end.

Elephant in the Room: Family Guy is only 30 minutes long. You want to know why? That's because it's a good amount of time to milk all the jokes out of a concept or storyline. The Teddy bear schtick only has some many jokes to it and the rest of the jokes are 80-referencing filler. Funny, yes, but this too young a skewing comedy to be hearing the age divide in the theater due to Flash Gordon and Tiffany references.

Shout Out: Crazy guy about 3 rows in front of me, way to go! Your loud muttered phrases kept me laughing through the dull moments. For that, I thank you.

To Sum Things Up:
If you like Family Guy, you will love this. It's as simple as that. Even if you don't love Family Guy, you'll probably like this. For anyone looking for a broadly-appealing comedy from McFarlane's fist live action comedy, you'll probably be disappointed.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Best MPAA Ratings of 2001

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2001.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 356 movies in 2001. Even though that is significantly fewer than later years, I'm not checking all of them. I'm sure I missed some. Feel free to let me know (because I know this is inspiring so many of you to start hunting for them^).


Shrek - Rated PG for mild language and some crude humor

Pearl Harbor - Rated PG-13 for sustained intense war sequences, images of wounded, brief sensuality and some language

Cats & Dogs - Rated PG for animal action and humor

Training Day - Rated R for brutal violence, pervasive language, drug content and brief nudity

Scary Movie 2 - Rated R for strong sexual and gross humor, graphic language and some drug content

Kate & Leopold - Rated PG-13 for brief strong language

Thir13en Ghosts - Rated R for horror violence/gore, nudity and some language

Heartbreakers - Rated PG-13 for sex-related content including dialogue

Shit, I've finally caught up to myself. Now I have to ask myself, will 2000 and the 90s have enough good ones to trudge through all the "Rated R for language and adult content"s.

Past Years:
Best of 2011
Best of 2010
Best of 2009
Best of 2008
Best of 2007
Best of 2006
Best of 2005
Best of 2004
Best of 2003
Best of 2002

Movie Reaction: Brave

Formula: Brother Bear + Pixar

Cast...er...Collection of Voices: Hey, it had John Ratzenberger, so what more could you want? Definitely not star-studded. If you don't know who they got, I'll help you out. You know every British actor that you always think sounds kind of funny compared James Bond? That's who they got. The fact that I didn't say to myself "Wait, that's Billy Connolly" the whole time, I think, means they did a good job.

Plot: Pretty direct plot here. No major twists. Not a lot of stand-out moments. It actually felt shorter than a lot of Pixar movies. It all felt a little more familiar to Disney's brand. I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish. Due to the subject matter, I don't think they could fill it with a lot of details the way that, say, Toy Story is filled with throwaway jokes and sight-gags start to finish. That's the nature of the story. Also, I feel reasonably confident saying this is the most violent of Pixar's movies. I like it for that. It had a little more freedom to it which was nice.

Animation: It's pretty. You can tell they had fun doing all the nature in this one, getting to flex a few new muscles. If anything, Merida's hair is almost distractingly well animated. It puts Rapunzel to shame, although there was certainly less to work with.

Elephant in the Room: Really!? Are you fucking kidding me!!! I was a little irritated when people were making a huge deal about Merida being the first female Pixar protagonist (whatever, I guess that's cool. I really never thought about it one way or the other), but, wow. Is this what we get in return? I guess Mulan's gay too. This is such asinine bullshit that I can't even fathom how someone pulls that away from the movie. I get that it's a EW gossip piece, but really? Really?!
Although, in the immortal words of Jerry Seinfeld, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."


To Sum Things Up:
It's tough being the youngest Kennedy. All your older siblings have done so much and have such big reputations, it's hard to stack up. Brave's good. I doubt it'll lose Best Animated Feature come Oscar time, but it won't be in the Best Picture discussion either. It's a great movie that happens to be family friendly. I recommend it, but it is middle of the rung Pixar, which still better than most of what's out there.

Side Note: If you see this alone, do so at a late showing. First of all, you don't want to be around that many children. Secondly, and more importantly, it's awkward being alone in a theater full of kids. I know I'm getting too old for that not to be a little suspicious.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Best MPAA Ratings of 2002

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2002.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 478 movies in 2002. I'm not checking all of them. I'm sure I missed some. Feel free to let me know (because I know this is inspiring so many of you to start hunting for them^).

Spider-Man - Rated PG-13 for stylized violence and action

Men in Black II - Rated PG-13 for sci-fi action violence and some provocative humor

Scooby-Doo - Rated PG for some rude humor, language and some scary action

xXx - Rated PG-13 for violence, non-stop action sequences, sensuality, drug content and language

Mr. Deeds - Rated PG-13 for language including sexual references, and some rear nudity

Jackass: The Movie - Rated R for dangerous, sometimes extremely crude stunts, language and nudity

Blue Crush - Rated PG-13 for sexual content, teen partying, language and a fight

Undercover Brother - Rated PG-13 for language, sexual humor, drug content and campy violence


Past Years:
Best of 2011
Best of 2010
Best of 2009
Best of 2008
Best of 2007
Best of 2006
Best of 2005
Best of 2004
Best of 2003

Movie Reaction: Rock of Ages

Formula: Hairspray + 20 years + John Waters
(Analogy) Degrassi Jr. High is to Degrassi The Next Generation as Rock of Ages is to Glee

Cast: Within seconds you know which people were brought on as singers and which people were brought on as actors. The material is pretty flimsy when people aren't singing, but that doesn't account for all of how painful Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta are reading dialogue. It's hard to be too hard on them though. Tom Cruise is rightfully the big name here and he had the opportunity the Capt. Jack Sparrow this movie and make it his own, which he nearly does. It's fun (not funny) to see him inhabit this role. All the other people kind of feel like casting's second picks but seem to enjoy themselves and ably wear the hats they're given.

Plot: Let's play a game. Get your iPod. Now, look through and pick about 20 songs within a genre that you like. Ok. Take those songs and build a playlist with them but try to tell a story with it. Finally, fill in the gaps between the songs with no more that 2 minutes of narrative and exposition. Game done.
For those of you who played at home, the story you just wrote is a flaming piece of shit, no doubt. That's because this is hard to do. The movie does this admirably, but it also isn't going to remotely change anyone's mind to love or hate it. To quote Poison, this movie is looking to be "Nothin' but a good time". Mileage may vary.

Elephant in the Room: If I have to hear "Don't Stop Believin" as an emotional climax one more time, I'm going to flip out. Well, flip out. This movie is a pretty white-washed take on the hair band music of the 80s. It's a lot of the same songs you hear at a "hip" bar or club when they are trying to be "retro". I had pretty mild expectations for this, but part of me hoped they would surprise me with at least one song in the set list. Even something like "Welcome to the Jungle" would've been a refreshing deviation without breaking the formula. Oh well.

To Sum Things Up:
I'm actually surprised this didn't fair so well opening weekend. This pretty perfectly has all the elements that made Glee a mega-hit (for a time) down to the music selection. Once again, temper your expectations. Hairspray and Mamma Mia completely put this to shame, but it's a good movie to take a couple shots, gather some friends, and buy a ticket for. An appropriately boisterous crowd could make it a really fun experience.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Best MPAA Ratings of 2003

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2003.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 506 movies in 2003. I'm not checking all of them. I'm sure I missed some. Feel free to let me know (because I know this is inspiring so many of you to start hunting for them^).

2 Fast 2 Furious - Rated PG-13 for street racing, violence, language and some sensuality

Seabiscuit - Rated PG-13 for some sexual situations and violent sports-related images

The Cat in the Hat - Rated PG for mild crude humor and some double-entendres

Big Fish - Rated PG-13 for a fight scene, some images of nudity and a suggestive reference

Agent Cody Banks - Rated PG for action violence, mild language and some sensual content

Past Years:
Best of 2011
Best of 2010
Best of 2009
Best of 2008
Best of 2007
Best of 2006
Best of 2005
Best of 2004

Movie Reaction: Prometheus

Formula:
Alien + 33 years of technical advances
Aliens + 26 years of technical advances
Aliens 3 + ...actually, it's best not to bring it up.

Cast: They put together a good one for this movie. Oddly, the best characters were the ones who emoted the least. That mean Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron. Fassbender was an effective amalgamation of the robots from A.I. Theron, for the second week in a row plays the antagonistic female in charge. Naomi Rapace is perfectly fine. I'm not sure she brought anything to the lead role but she didn't take anything from it either, so there's that. I always love me some Idris Elba, but he's pretty sparsely or generically used. The rest of the cast is good, although 90% of them exist to be victims* so it doesn't matter too much, right?

*That's not a spoiler unless you know nothing about the Alien franchise, in which case you only have yourself to blame.

Plot: As I just mentioned, this is an Alien movie, so let's not pretend the plot is something groundbreaking here. In all honestly, the plot is an excuse for the visuals. It's pretty generic and the characters not all that developed. That isn't a major fault though, since, as I said, it's more for the visuals and effects.

Effects: These pretty much make the movie. It is all very nice to look at. There are a few sequences that are as intense as you will find in the movies. There is some impressive scope to some of the shots as well. I feel like this is one of those where the 3D may actually be "worth it", although I saw it in 2D and it was still quite engrossing.

Elephant in the Room: If this is a prequel, do I need to to see the other movies? I didn't and it didn't hurt my understanding. Probably, it would've amplified a few scenes, but that's it.

To Sum Things Up:
This was very good. Unlike other movies I've seen this year, namely Battleship, even though the effects are the reason to see it, the plot is not nearly as thin, so a great amount of enjoyment can be had watching it.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Rant: Buses

I don’t ride the bus much since I left school. I think this is for the best. You see, I lack a skill-set needed for the bus.

First of all, I am paranoid about being late. Not only do I plan to get on the bus that gets me where I need an hour before I need to be there, but I end up showing up at the bus stop a few minutes after the bus made its previous stop. In essence, I stand around doing nothing for an hour and half with nothing to do, for fear of being five minutes late somewhere.

Secondly, once I’m on the bus, I don’t know what I am doing wrong, but I don’t know how to stand right. I will grab whatever pole or armrest I can find, planting my feet like tree trunks and as soon as the driver accelerates I’m flailing around like I’m Tarzan swinging from trees. Meanwhile, the girl standing next to me, not even paying attention leans lightly on a pole and is still as a statue.

Also, I make the mistake of looking at the advertisements. For every advertisement for an off-brand local fast-food place like “Prince Burgers” or “Taco Hut”, there’s an ad like “Depressed? Call us at (555)HAP-YNES And just remember, you matter. A noose is not a fetter, it’s a guillotine” or “Think you might have an STD? Call (555)YOU-AIDS. It's Confidential.” That just makes me even more conscious and worry what I’m going to catch something from that guy wiping his nose next to me…who just touched the pole I need to hold to stay standing.

Now, I’m not trying to say that I’m too good for the bus. I just think I am, and thank god, I’m in a city where it’s not that viable of an option. Because, I’m sorry, but every time I see somebody over 18 waiting for a bus, I immediately wonder what went wrong in their life. If they are holding cups, I’d probably consider giving them change, but of course, at the last second I would reconsider this. They are waiting for the bus. They already have change.

Top 10 House Episodes: 1-3

Almost forgot these. As a refresher, here's the rest of the top 10:

Top 10 House Episodes: 8-10


Top 10 House Episodes: 4-7

 3 - All In (S.2 E.17)
Special Guest(s): None

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured that after that girl on the stairwell you'd be done for the night." -House
"He's joking." -Chase
"No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time!" -House

Why I Love It: Nothing better than a good Moby Dick story, especially if Ahab gets his white whale*. From a character development perspective, this does a great job explaining the nature of House's obsessive mind and does a good job reminding us that House has always been like this, pre-leg. Probably my favorite parts of the episode though, are the poker scenes. The ace poker player angle is well-tread territory for shows, but I don't know of any that have had so much fun with it.

*I'll immediately come forth and say I don't actually know how that book ends, but I'm assuming the whale wins.

"Have you read Moby Dick?" -Wilson
"It was a book?" -House

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2 - Occam's Razor (S.1 E.3)
Special Guest(s): Faith Prince

"I think your argument in specious." -Wilson
"I think your tie is ugly." -House

Why I Love It: It's the perfect House episode. It's the best execution of the episodic House formula. And, it has one simple lesson: House is always right. Love him or, more often, hate him he is always right. They spent the next 8 years trying to disprove that notion and any time it did so successfully was to the detriment to the series. By episode 3, they have established that House is a highly imperfect character, but he was also enlightened in a way no one else was. Now, I'm not one to say the character shouldn't've changed. I will say he should never have been diminished which all the mental wards and prison stays did. Here was House as a force of nature, that could be stopped, but shouldn't be.

"Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth." -Wilson
"And triteness kicks us in the nuts." -House

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1 - Three Stories (S.1 E.21)
Special Guest(s): Sela Ward, Andrew Keegan, Carmen Electra

"You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious." -House

Why I Love It: Let's call this my favorite hour of TV ever. I don't have a list compiled, but this feels safe to say. What starts out as a funny, interestingly structure throw away story reveals itself as a brilliantly crafted narrative and a deeply revealing episode that serves as a deeply effective origins tale for the version of House that the series follows. I basically love everything about it. The cases are all interesting. House's team is well represented. I lose count number of cases House solves, including the illness of the doctor he is filling in for. Stacy is introduced brilliantly for her story arc. Even the med students are fleshed out by the end of it. This is the only episode of House that was ever awarded an Emmy for writing and for good reason. So much is going on that it is hard to believe it's a regular-sized episode, and it's rare to find an episode that is so good it feels longer than it is. Such a good episode.

"You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?" -Cameron
"I find it more comforting to believe that this...isn't simply a test." -House

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Alright, there you have it. It took a little longer than I intended to write this [because I'm lazy], but there you have it. My favorite House episodes. Now, I guess it's time for me to trim down my DVR list in preparation for the summer.

Movie Reaction: Snow White and the Huntsman

Formula: The plot of Stardust, the characters of Lord of the Ring, the concept of Alice in Wonderland, and the sensibilities of Twilight...oh, and add three drops of Snow White.

Cast: I'll start by saying it's clear which person in the cast has an Oscar. Charlize Theron was the only one who sank her teeth into her part. She committed to a pretty bland one dimensional role. And that is pretty much the problem every actor had in this. No one seemed all that layered. Chris Hensworth seemed pretty bored most of the time. Kristen Stewart, well, you know what to expect with her. I've heard some critics saying they see so much potential for her. Personally, I don't at all, but I could be wrong. Right now, she's kind of where Keira Knightley was in 2004: able to pick successful movies but still looking for that make or break showcase. As for the rest of the cast, they all looked pretty hand-picked from the BBC Historical Epics department.

Plot: Something didn't settle well with me. The whole time I watched the movie I could only think of the movies it was trying to be and that's really bothersome. The scope of the whole thing also was way too big. No character was serviced too well. I couldn't even tell you one of the dwarves' names. It tried so hard to have an epic feel and wanted so badly to create a world that felt as deep and fully formed as Middle Earth and came up so short. I was never surprised by the plot or impressed by the execution which is normally a bad sign. It was serviceably generic in the way something like Robin Hood was.

Elephant in the Room: Do we need to have everything in the Disney catalog remade in live action? No. Every couple of years someone thinks they can take a Disney animated classic and make an edgier  PG13 version that treats the plot seriously and puts it in a real[er] world setting, and they have largely been duds. How many times has King Arthur been tried? Brandy, Hilary Duff, and Drew Barrymore have all taken stabs at Cinderella. There's Tim Burton's pseudo-sequel of Alice in Wonderland. Did it ever occur to anyone that the simplicity of these stories is precisely why they work so well.

WTF Moments:
-Snow White says the Our Father at some point. I never thought I'd say this, but you can't have Christianity and magic in a movie.
-Before they've even said a word, the sight of the 7 dwarves had most of my theater laughing, presumably, simply because they were short. Way to rise above, audience.

To Sum Things Up:
This is one of those movies I am certain other people will like a lot more than I did. Nagging feelings from beginning to end killed my buzz. It's the best thing to come out in nearly a month, so anyone tired of seeing The Avengers 2-10 times will find this to be the least step down of what's been offered.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Top 10 House Episodes: 4-7

Looks like I got these put together faster than I expected.

In case you missed part 1:
Top 10 House Episodes: 8-10

Now, here's 4-7:

7 - Son of Coma Guy (S.3 E.7)Special Guest(s): John Laroquette, David Morse

"Quick, what's the kid's status? I've got to get back to out Sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron." -House

Why I Love It: House and Wilson on a road trip. Check. Three time Emmy winner John Laroquette. Check. House telling the story of the man that made him want to be a doctor. Check. That has to be some sort of trifecta. This is probably the most telling episode about what House cares about and who he cares about. A terrific showcase for the two most important characters to the series.

"You lied to the cops enough for me...maybe I don't want to push this till is breaks." -House

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6 - TB or Not TB (S.2 E.4)
Special Guest(s): Ron Livingston

"You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel prize than you are." -Wilson
"And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world." -House

Why I Love It: This is one of those episodes that I imagine started with a theme and had a plot developed for it. Early House episodes really loved pointing out the hypocrisy of things society often reveres. The show took a devil's advocate stance on an issue and had you rooting for the devil by the end of it, normally by pointing out a greater morality within generally negatively perceived traits like selfishness, apathy, and pride. House vs. the TB Missionary is one of the best examples of this.

"Oh, the whores can like the sex, but it doesn't mean they;re not whores." -House

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5 - House vs. God (S.2 E.19)
Special Guest(s): None

"He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing..." -House
"And you're worried about trademark infringement?" -Wilson


Why I Love It: Before it became old-hat and rehashed again and again, the episodes that challenged religion were some of the most entertaining. Something about the House vs. God board has a pompousness that always makes me smile. The points they make about the disparity between religious tenets and the people that espouse them, such as Chase pointing out that the patient should be humble enough to believe God speaking to him could be a disease, are some of the best I've seen, especially for network TV.

"You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic." -House

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4 - No Reason (S.2 E.24)
Special Guest(s): Elias Koteas

"I got shot. Diagnostically boring. Big tongue, on the other hand - endlessly entertaining." -House

Why I Love It: One of those episodes you have to watch a second time before you understand it. As I've said before, when the writers committed to playing with story structure, the results were almost always great. This one is such a wonderful mindfuck and props to the director for finding a way to make House putting the moves on Cameron with a surgery machine so damn hot.

"I'm almost always eventually right." -House

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At this rate, maybe I'll have the top 3 ready for tomorrow.