Ranting about Puzzles

In the long list of things that I hate, in the subset of things that I hate far more than they are worth, tucked into the corner with all the things I've thought a little too long about is where you will find my thoughts on puzzles.

They are awful. Pictures with effort. And, once you finish putting one together, you can't do anything with it. It just sits there. I remember not being able to use my dinner table for nearly a month because a god damn puzzle was in the way*. I don't get why they get that special treatment. People always try to keep them together like they are going to break the world record for wasted table space.

*Granted, I normally eat in front of the TV because I'm an addict, but that table should always be an option. It ain't right.

At least other activities get a Jenga-like explosion or something. The way that every puzzle ends up getting taken apart is when someone gets the half-baked scheme to try and move it. To where? No one fucking knows. And, the transitional flat surface you try to move it with (normally a couple loose leaf pages taped together that you somehow think will be sufficient) is always approximately 5% smaller that you need it to be, so you scrap the whole project and put the puzzle in the game corner pretending that you will ever revisit it again.

Puzzles take my least favorite element of numerous things and put them together into one awful activity. I like looking at pictures as much as the next guy (or perhaps a little less. Don't judge), but if I have to spend 5 hours putting together a 1000 piece picture**, I'm going to fucking hate it. I can't even watch a movie for that long. How is a single frame supposed to keep me excited? Also, I already know what the thing's supposed to look like. It's on the cover of the box. Couldn't I just blow up a picture of that, print it out, place it on my table, admire it for, I don't know, 10 seconds, then move on to something productive with my day***.

**I I have no idea how long puzzles take. That's kind of the point of this.

***Comparatively, everything is more productive.

That brings me to my next point. Puzzles are pretty much the definition of wasted time. You spend all that time on it, and when you're done, you can't do fucking anything with it. What? Are you going to frame it? Not that would be crazy and the picture would suck. The only time tiny pieces come together for something people actually want to look at is a church window, and even those are only cool at sunrise or sunset.

Is anyone ever impressed that you put together a puzzle? No. After you turn three, even your parents stop acting impressed when you put together that Winnie the Pooh puzzle. The most you will ever hear from anyone about it is a disinterested "You must've spent a lot of time on this".