Delayed Reaction: The Old Guard

Premise: A group of nearly immortal warriors fight pharmaceutical testing.

One way that I struggle to adapt to the new world order (and this predates COVID) is understanding what a hit streaming movie is. I know what a hit theatrical movie looks like: big opening weekend numbers, high per screen average, lopsided gross to production cost ratio. I'm hazier about streaming movies. All I have to go on are occasional context-light reports of numbers from Netflix and a general sense of buzziness. It's an apples and oranges comparison. They're completely different models. For a theater, it's direct. People went to a theater for Movie X. They paid X dollars for it. It had a production cost of X. That's easy math. No one signs up to Netflix for a movie though. That's just part of the package. Someone with Netflix sees Birdbox and they continue to pay for Netflix because they get movies like Birdbox that they enjoy.

How many movies on Netflix would've been hits at the box office? Extraction is the highest viewed movie of all time on Netflix. Yet, something similar like Jack Reacher only made $80 million at the box office. Does that mean the best that Netflix has to offer equates to being barely a top 40 movie at the box office? I doubt it, but what does it mean? And how do these numbers compare to non-Netflix releases? I would love to know Infinity War's numbers on Netflix.

The Old Guard within a week made it into the list of 10 most viewed Netflix original movies ever. That's undeniably impressive. Netflix is a dominant pop culture force. To paraphrase, if you can make it on Netflix, you can make it anywhere. That said, I'm still thinking of Bad Boys for Life as a bigger hit movie.

Remember, Netflix is in the watchability business, not the monoculture/event business. For years, Road House was (and maybe still is) the most commonly aired movie on TV. A movie that was 40th in the box office the year it was released became the most commonly aired, and presumably most commonly viewed, movie of all movies. No one is calling Road House the most beloved movie though. I doubt its DVD/VHS/Blu-ray sales match its TV popularity. That's because it hits the sweet spot of being something that's easy to watch at any time but not so beloved that anyone is seeking it out. I'd wager that Star Wars is far more popular than Road House. Star Wars doesn't need to air on TV though, because so many people already own it.

This is all a very long-winded way of saying that The Old Guard is the platonic ideal of a Netflix movie. It has an immediate hook (a group of mercenaries who can't die, fight bad guys). I'm never going to stumble onto this movie and think that it's too challenging. And Charlize Theron gives it just enough legitimacy to know it's not a dumpster fire of a movie. I have a lot of movies in a spreadsheet that I need to watch that I'm sure are better and I will prefer to The Old Guard. Few carry as little risk. I know exactly what I'm going to get from The Old Guard. I can give it whatever level of focus that I want. If I'm watching that, I don't need to worry about anything. Again, Extraction is the biggest hit ever on Netflix and most people who have seen it need a couple minutes to realize which movie that even is. There are times that don't feel right to finally watch The Player, Hard Eight, or The Straight Story. There's never a bad time to watch The Old Guard.

God bless Charlize Theron and her deciding she isn't too good to give these movies her all. She fully committed to being the villain in Fate of the Furious. Almost the entire story of Fury Road rests on her. Atomic Blonde is one of the least phoned-in performances I've seen in an otherwise forgettable action movie. She keeps The Old Guard from being a glossy B-movie. The rest of the cast is good too. Kiki Layne does well as the POV character being introduced to this group. Harry Melling channels some Dudley Dursley as the strawman villain. It's a little sad that even after starring in a Best Picture winner (12 Years a Slave) Chiwetel Ejiofor still gets stuck over-achieving in these thankless supporting roles. Hopefully he gets me to do in future movies.

Because, there will be more movies. Netflix flexed a lot in this, giving it an ending that practically includes with a chyron saying "Come See The Old Guard 2 in 2022". Setting up Van Veronica Ngo's Quynh as the next villain is 1000x more interesting than a pharmaceutical CEO. Give me more undead-on-undead fights, please. The best part of this movie was that plane fight between Theron and Layne. The rest of the action was pretty forgettable. This movie has a real problem with stakes. If the Old Guard can't die, it sure makes every fight pretty one-sided. Theron no longer healing is a necessary development, but she has too much "plot armor" for me to really get concerned. With Quynh around for future movies, they can basically shoot a 2-hour fight scene as the entire movie for all I care. Hopefully with some better fight choreography than this one had though.

Oh my, I didn't realize I had so much to say about this movie, and I'm not nearly done. Scratch that. I have more to say, but I am done. This was an OK movie. Certainly more memorable than Extraction or 6 Underground (but not by that much).

Verdict: Weakly Recommend