10. The Giver - Lois Lowry
(The book covers are boring. I figure a still from Love and Death is much better)
This includes any other long-ass Russian novel with a cause and effect title. You know, smart people books. I've read the back of the books and saw Love & Death, so I think I have the gist of them. I know enough about them to steer the conversation away from them at parties*.
*What kind of parties talk Russian Literature. Now you know I'm lying.
8. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
(Never read it, obviously. Don't know if this is the most common cover. I like it best)
I make jokes about the number 42 being an answer and pretty quickly interject that Zooey Deschanel was great in the movie. Truth be told. I barely payed attention to the movie. I actually rather hate the movie because it allows the little Hitchhikers cult to say the most annoying phrase ever. I've never known someone who is reading the book or recently read it. People always tell me "I read that a long time ago" even when I was 12*. *Or however old I was. Who's keeping track?
7.The Bible - God
(Too many covers to choose from so I went off script and chose the closing scene of Life of Brian)
Who has actually read the Bible? Rephrase: Who has actually read the Bible not trying to make a point*?
I've never claimed to have read it, but like a lot of people, I've talked like I know about it. Where is Ruth in relation to Job? No idea. What are either of the books about? I have a loose idea. Are the psalms just song versions of the proverbs? Couldn't say. I only ever looked through them while trying to not pay attention in Theology class in High School. It's about time I quit pretending I know anything about Paul's letter (or is it letters?) to the Corinthians.
* "I am soooo religious." "It has so much cultural significance." "It's a real page turner". Oops. That last one has never been said.
6. Assorted Plays - Shakespeare
Part of why I don't like to talk about Shakespeare is the one-upsmanship. People who have read a lot of him* won't stop until they throw in a play they have read that the other person hasn't. I could try to dance this dance till we get down to, say Richard I (I think that's one of them), but why don't I give up a lot earlier, at Othello or something? For half the assigned Shakespeare I've ever had, 80% of my reading came looking for things to quote for a term paper.
*My pity on them.
5. Pat the Bunny -Dorothy Kunhardt
It surprising how many children's book's I've read. going through the list of them, I was checking them off like they were episodes of 30 Rock*. I was about to go with Sam McBratney's classic "Guess How Much I Love You" but then I remembered one particularly slow morning a couple years back when I worked at Target when I raided the kid's book section in search of the newest Don't Let the Pidgeon book. Maybe I'll get my chance to finally read this if I ever have a kid. Granted, that throws a wrench in my whole "absentee father" plan.
* It says something about me that my simile immediately went to TV instead of more standard examples.
4. The Great Gadsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
This is one of those books that fell through the cracks for me. I've picked up enough things about it that I can fake my way through it. In a pinch, I focus on how there's naked ladies in the eyes. It also always helps to throw out the name Zelda. Still don't know who that is, but it makes you seem studied.
3. The Silmarillion - J.R.R. Tolkien
I never read the Lord of the Rings before the movies. I have since. I liked the movies better*. Consider that a great accomplishment of the films. But that's become like getting your Bachelor's degree. Sure. Not everyone has one, but most that would care if you had one, do too. The Silmarillion is like the Master's Degree. It shows that extra level. You know what? Fuck it. Lord of the Rings is long enough. I'm proud of getting through that. Like getting a Master's, I'll probably never bother with The Silmarillion either.
* Yeah. I said it.
2 . Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka
"As Gregor Samsa awoke one moring from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect-like creature."
That is all I know about this story. I've made Kafka jokes for years. I've referenced this story freely. Never read sentence 2.
1 . Oh, the Places You'll Go - Dr. Suess
A favorite graduation gift for over 20 years now, this, the final book by the legendary Dr. Suess. Apparently no one cared to inspire me with a copy of this for Middle-School, High School, or College graduation.It always struck me as odd when someone goes to the kid's section in the bookstore* to by a graduation gift.
*I know. Who still goes to a book store.
Honorable Mention
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl - Anne Frank
(All I could find was that picture of her and she's butt ugly, so instead, here's a picture of Nazi huntin'.)
Another book that begs me to question, has anyone really read this? Not really. We've seen the play on a field trip to a local theater in 4th grade. It was probably a character study at the end of the WWII chapter in a history text book. There's a movie or two out there I'm sure people have watched. And of course, we all know that closing line of hers. I know I've never read it. Why would I? It's so ubiquitous I already know all I need to.Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
Going through Catholic schooling, I've had a number of times when some teacher tried to get me to read this. The movie even put me to sleep, so the book didn't stand a chance. Also, it carried too much "you are a bad person if you don't like this" venom and, knowing I'd hate it, why expose myself to such criticism?
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S. Thompson
(The movie poster is better than any book art I could find)
The renegade literary types love pointing to this one, especially here in Louisville since he's about the only famous person we have other than Muhammad Ali. Gonzo journalism's great and all*. I barely pull off acting like I've seen the movie. Generally I just say something like, "He was one crazy mother fucker. Can't believe he shot himself" to seem in the know.* Not my favorite type of gonzo though.
The Princess Bride - William Goldman
(Is it really "inconceivable that I haven't read this before?)
To be fair, I've never claimed to have read this. This gets special consideration for how people always feel so special for having read it after I say how much I love the movie. I'm sorry. It's a children's book, not The Brothers Karamazov. It isn't much of an accomplishment.
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