I won't bother explaining my format or anything. If you really can't figure that out. Check Part 1.
Emmy Predictions:
Part 1: Directing
Part 2: Writing
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series
Michael J. Fox (The Good Wife "Parenting Made Easy") (CBS)
I see a two win night for Fox.
Ben Feldman (Mad Men "Dark Shadows") (AMC)
Logged major minutes for a Guest actor.
Mark Margolis (Breaking Bad "Face Off") (AMC)
Does so much with a look and a bell.
Dylan Baker (The Good Wife "Marthas and Caitlins") (CBS)
No reason.
Jeremy Davies (Justified "Coalition") (FX)
Justified has fallen from favor too much.
Jason Ritter (Parenthood "Politics") (NBC)
They know Parenthood exists!?
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series
Loretta Devine (Grey's Anatomy "If Only You Were Lonely") (ABC)
Do they allow consecutive wins?
Julia Ormond (Mad Men "The Phantom") (AMC)
Eventually, Mad Men has to win for acting.
Martha Plimpton (The Good Wife "The Dream Team") (CBS)
Lead Actress nomination last year...in comedy.
Joan Cusack (Shameless "Can I Have a Mother") (Showtime)
To recognize her and not Emmy Rossum: Criminal.
Jean Smart (Harry's Law "The Rematch") (NBC)
The battle of who could care less.
Uma Thurman (Smash "Tech") (NBC)
The battle of who could care less.
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series
Michael J. Fox (Curb Your Enthusiasm "Larry vs. Michael J. Fox") (HBO)
I see a two win night for Fox.
Jon Hamm (30 Rock "Live from Studio 6H") (NBC)
Not winning for Mad Men. Could be a consolation prize.
Greg Kinnear (Modern Family "Me? Jealous?") (ABC)
Only if Modern Family dominates the night again.
Jimmy Fallon (Saturday Night Live "Host: Jimmy Fallon") (NBC)
They love old cast members.
Will Arnett (30 Rock "Idiots Are People Three!") (NBC)
He certainly get nominated enough here.
Bobby Cannavale (Nurse Jackie "Disneyland Sucks") (Showtime)
Who?
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series
Melissa McCarthy (Saturday Night Live "Host: Melissa McCarthy") (NBC)
Still riding that Bridesmaids wave.
Maya Rudolph (Saturday Night Live "Host: Maya Rudolph") (NBC)
The love old cast members.
Dot-Marie Jones (Glee "Choke") (FOX)
If not SNL, certainly Glee.
Elizabeth Banks (30 Rock "The Return of Avery Jessup") (NBC)
The character wears on me too much.
Margaret Cho (30 Rock "The Return of Avery Jessup") (NBC)
How did she get nominated? Not a complaint though.
Kathy Bates (Two and a Half Men "Why We Gave Up Women") (CBS)
Please no.
Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program
Betty White for Betty White's Off Their Rockers (NBC)
The Katharine Hepburn of the Emmys.
Cat Deeley for So You Think You Can Dance (FOX)
I keep hearing how good she is.
Phil Keoghan for The Amazing Race (CBS)
The show keeps winning. Maybe to translates.
Ryan Seacrest for American Idol (FOX)
Too much of a punchline.
Tom Bergeron for Dancing with the Stars (ABC)
No, just no.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Emmy Predictions: Directing
It's that time again*. The Emmy Awards show is almost here. That means it's time for me to act like I'm some sort of expert and give my picks for who will win. A couple formatting notes.
- I challenged myself to 10 words or less for any opinion.
- In each field, I ordered the nominees from who I think is most likely to least likely.
- I don't know what nominations are given out at the Creative Emmys (or whatever they call them) on 9/15, but I already wrote out these prediction and divvied them out and plan to post them in that order. Some of these my be posted after they are given out. If that happens, fuck it. I'm pretty sure I'm my harshest critic for this. The rest of you probably won't care at all.
With all that said, enjoy.
* I feel like I begin a lot of posts like that.
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Homeland "Pilot" (Showtime)
Really well done pilot.
Downton Abbey "Episode Seven" (PBS)
Won for directing in a Mini-Series last year.
Breaking Bad "Face Off" (AMC)
Amazing end to the season.
Mad Men "The Other Woman" (AMC)
Nominated every year. Yet to win.
Boardwalk Empire "To the Lost" (HBO)
Won this last year. No Scorsese now though.
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
Modern Family "Baby on Board" (ABC)
Won last year. Don't be against Modern Family.
Louie "Duckling" (FX)
Hour long episode. They also seem to like Louis C.K.
Curb Your Enthusiasm "Palestinian Chicken" (HBO)
It's won this category before, I think.
Modern Family "Virgin Territory" (ABC)
If not one, then the other.
Girls "She Did" (HBO)
I don't see Girls winning anything this year. Maybe next.
New Girl "Pilot" (FOX)
Really? This got nominated for directing?
Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie, or Dramatic Special
Hatfields & McCoys (History)
Big ratings. Big potential to win.
Game Change (HBO)
I assume TV movie directing is more than Mini-Series.
Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia (PBS)
I love Steven Moffat, blindly, if needed.
Luther (BBC America)
Didn't win last year, probably won't now.
Hemingway & Gellhorn (HBO)
I've not heard good things.
Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series
Saturday Night Live (NBC)
The most direction-heavy nominee.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
It wins everything else.
The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
It wins whatever The Daily Show doesn't.
Portlandia (IFC)
Be happy with the nomination.
Late Show with David Letterman (CBS)
There has to be a fifth nominee.
Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Special
65th Tony Awards (CBS)
Choreography counts as direction, right?
54th Grammy Awards (CBS)
Whitney Houston died. That has to count for something.
New York City Ballet George Balanchine's The Nutcracker (PBS)
Several performances > Single awards show.
Live at the Beacon Theater (FX)
I love Louis CK, but this is light on direction.
84th Academy Awards (ABC)
If you watched it, you wouldn't pick it either.
Outstanding Directing for Nonfiction Programming
Martin Scorsese for George Harrison: Living in the Material World (HBO)
Scorsese. I assume nothing else matters.
Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky for Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory (HBO)
I've actually heard of this one.
Bertram van Munster for The Amazing Race (CBS)
Does winning for Reality Competion translate to winning here?
Robert B. Weide for American Masters (PBS)
I know nothing of this.
Craig Spirko for Project Runway (Lifetime)
Lifetime. Enough said.
- I challenged myself to 10 words or less for any opinion.
- In each field, I ordered the nominees from who I think is most likely to least likely.
- I don't know what nominations are given out at the Creative Emmys (or whatever they call them) on 9/15, but I already wrote out these prediction and divvied them out and plan to post them in that order. Some of these my be posted after they are given out. If that happens, fuck it. I'm pretty sure I'm my harshest critic for this. The rest of you probably won't care at all.
With all that said, enjoy.
* I feel like I begin a lot of posts like that.
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Homeland "Pilot" (Showtime)
Really well done pilot.
Downton Abbey "Episode Seven" (PBS)
Won for directing in a Mini-Series last year.
Breaking Bad "Face Off" (AMC)
Amazing end to the season.
Mad Men "The Other Woman" (AMC)
Nominated every year. Yet to win.
Boardwalk Empire "To the Lost" (HBO)
Won this last year. No Scorsese now though.
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
Modern Family "Baby on Board" (ABC)
Won last year. Don't be against Modern Family.
Louie "Duckling" (FX)
Hour long episode. They also seem to like Louis C.K.
Curb Your Enthusiasm "Palestinian Chicken" (HBO)
It's won this category before, I think.
Modern Family "Virgin Territory" (ABC)
If not one, then the other.
Girls "She Did" (HBO)
I don't see Girls winning anything this year. Maybe next.
New Girl "Pilot" (FOX)
Really? This got nominated for directing?
Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie, or Dramatic Special
Hatfields & McCoys (History)
Big ratings. Big potential to win.
Game Change (HBO)
I assume TV movie directing is more than Mini-Series.
Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia (PBS)
I love Steven Moffat, blindly, if needed.
Luther (BBC America)
Didn't win last year, probably won't now.
Hemingway & Gellhorn (HBO)
I've not heard good things.
Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Series
Saturday Night Live (NBC)
The most direction-heavy nominee.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
It wins everything else.
The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
It wins whatever The Daily Show doesn't.
Portlandia (IFC)
Be happy with the nomination.
Late Show with David Letterman (CBS)
There has to be a fifth nominee.
Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Special
65th Tony Awards (CBS)
Choreography counts as direction, right?
54th Grammy Awards (CBS)
Whitney Houston died. That has to count for something.
New York City Ballet George Balanchine's The Nutcracker (PBS)
Several performances > Single awards show.
Live at the Beacon Theater (FX)
I love Louis CK, but this is light on direction.
84th Academy Awards (ABC)
If you watched it, you wouldn't pick it either.
Outstanding Directing for Nonfiction Programming
Martin Scorsese for George Harrison: Living in the Material World (HBO)
Scorsese. I assume nothing else matters.
Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky for Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory (HBO)
I've actually heard of this one.
Bertram van Munster for The Amazing Race (CBS)
Does winning for Reality Competion translate to winning here?
Robert B. Weide for American Masters (PBS)
I know nothing of this.
Craig Spirko for Project Runway (Lifetime)
Lifetime. Enough said.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Movie Reaction: The Campaign
Formula: (Man of the Year + The Ides of March) * Will Ferrell
[Note - Politics: I hate election season and find it to be polite institutionalized bullying when all is said and done. I find politicians and those involved to be just about the lowest form of humanity and the desire to wield that kind of control over people to be sickening. My favorite day is the Wednesday after the election. I don't like either or any side. To say I am disillusioned by politics 1) makes the unfair implication that I was ever transfixed by it and 2) is like saying that the gypsies were disappointed by the Nazi policies. I just wanted to get that out of the way because it colors my reaction to this movie greatly.]
Cast: Will Ferrell has a great deal of goodwill built up with me, mostly due to my immense love of Stranger Than Fiction, so I'm always ready to give something he does a chance. I'm not a huge fan of this style of comedy. Since Anchorman, they have followed the law of diminishing returns for laughs and quality. Ferrell plays the characters as well as the cast he puts around him. Sadly...I want to like Zach Galifianakis. In interviews he strikes me as a nice guy and pretty funny too. I don't like his screen persona though. Something about it always rubs me the wrong way. He seemed very outmatched by Ferrell whenever they're together which makes Ferrell then hard to swallow. The rest of the cast is a bunch of people I'm happy to see working, but no one has the material to really shine in this.
Plot: Few things in this world are more ripe for jokes than an election. Had the entire movie kept the focus of wringing every joke out of the election season, this would be a solid movie. They didn't do that though. They decided to try and go for an optimistic statement about politics, which has no place in this movie. I'm also really tired of these plots where the only bad guys are the business men. Why is everyone else in the movie allowed to be merely inept, but the business men have to be pure and calculated evil? I'm not saying the they are normally moral contributors in an election. Every person involved in a real election are awful, awful, wretched, calculating, awful people. I'm probably over-bothered by this, but I hate when a movie paints a picture of the candidates as idealist characters, trying to do the right thing, while the rest of the world is pulling them down. It's bullshit. I'm sorry, but it really irritates me.
Elephant in the Room: Why did you see this if it's been out this long and you were pretty sure you wouldn't like it? Good question. I don't have a good answer. Maybe I was hoping it would be different. Maybe everything else out was that bad. Maybe I thought it would be just disappointing, not thematically infuriating. Maybe it was the next movie starting at the theater when I showed up. God, I can't wait for some better movies to come out.
To Sum Things Up:
I should've seen Paranorman.This movie did nothing but remind me of what is to come in the next 2 months and how much I hate this time of year every four years. I kind of want to go watch V for Vendetta now.
Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend
[Note - Politics: I hate election season and find it to be polite institutionalized bullying when all is said and done. I find politicians and those involved to be just about the lowest form of humanity and the desire to wield that kind of control over people to be sickening. My favorite day is the Wednesday after the election. I don't like either or any side. To say I am disillusioned by politics 1) makes the unfair implication that I was ever transfixed by it and 2) is like saying that the gypsies were disappointed by the Nazi policies. I just wanted to get that out of the way because it colors my reaction to this movie greatly.]
Cast: Will Ferrell has a great deal of goodwill built up with me, mostly due to my immense love of Stranger Than Fiction, so I'm always ready to give something he does a chance. I'm not a huge fan of this style of comedy. Since Anchorman, they have followed the law of diminishing returns for laughs and quality. Ferrell plays the characters as well as the cast he puts around him. Sadly...I want to like Zach Galifianakis. In interviews he strikes me as a nice guy and pretty funny too. I don't like his screen persona though. Something about it always rubs me the wrong way. He seemed very outmatched by Ferrell whenever they're together which makes Ferrell then hard to swallow. The rest of the cast is a bunch of people I'm happy to see working, but no one has the material to really shine in this.
Plot: Few things in this world are more ripe for jokes than an election. Had the entire movie kept the focus of wringing every joke out of the election season, this would be a solid movie. They didn't do that though. They decided to try and go for an optimistic statement about politics, which has no place in this movie. I'm also really tired of these plots where the only bad guys are the business men. Why is everyone else in the movie allowed to be merely inept, but the business men have to be pure and calculated evil? I'm not saying the they are normally moral contributors in an election. Every person involved in a real election are awful, awful, wretched, calculating, awful people. I'm probably over-bothered by this, but I hate when a movie paints a picture of the candidates as idealist characters, trying to do the right thing, while the rest of the world is pulling them down. It's bullshit. I'm sorry, but it really irritates me.
Elephant in the Room: Why did you see this if it's been out this long and you were pretty sure you wouldn't like it? Good question. I don't have a good answer. Maybe I was hoping it would be different. Maybe everything else out was that bad. Maybe I thought it would be just disappointing, not thematically infuriating. Maybe it was the next movie starting at the theater when I showed up. God, I can't wait for some better movies to come out.
To Sum Things Up:
I should've seen Paranorman.This movie did nothing but remind me of what is to come in the next 2 months and how much I hate this time of year every four years. I kind of want to go watch V for Vendetta now.
Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Emmy Nominee Study
For my latest little study, I've decided to combine two of my favorite things: TV and numbers. I know, I know, this must be hard to believe. ME taking something subjective, like, say, the Emmys and trying to pull meaningful numbers from them. But, never you fear, I found something that I could waste countless hours on, sorting out data in the least efficient way possible, so that I could answer the most meaningless of all questions.
What is this study, you ask. As you probably gather from the name of this post, it's all about breaking down the nominees. The two ways I determined this could be done are looking at two things: Consistency and age, considering those are two things I could pretty easily calculate.
This all began with me asking myself what the discrepancy between men and women were in TV shows. My hypothesis going in was that the Actress categories were going to be substantially younger than the Actor categories. My thinking was that show business is quicker to throw away women than men once they stop being, simply, nice to look at.
I will say, the results were not what I expected. I decided to go back 20 years, looking at the comedy and drama nominees from 1993 to the present to see what I found.
Average age of a nominee from 1993-2012Lead Actress Comedy 40.61
Lead Actress Drama 43.13
Lead Actor Comedy 44.45
Sup Actor Comedy 45
Sup Actress Drama 45.09
Sup Actress Comedy 45.29
Lead Actor Drama 46.335
Sup Actor Drama 50.10
Guest Actress Drama 53.96
Guest Actor Comedy 54.47
Guest Actress Comedy 56.79
Guest Actor Drama 57.15
I've got to say, these results largely surprised me, but let's go over what didn't surprise me. The oldest fields by a lot were the guest acting categories. For years, I've joked (mostly to myself because it was apparently an inside joke in my own head) that the Guest Actress in a Drama category was the SVU Retired Actress Award. The winner several years running was some former Emmy or Oscar winner looking for one more statue to put on her mantle. As it turns out, that was the youngest of the guest acting categories. Still, it made sense that the average age would be that. The nominees every year are some familiar names that they dust off for a day's work and Emmy voters remember fondly enough to nominate.
In fact, it makes a lot of sense looking at the nominee breakdown. The grind of working on a TV show can be exactly that, a grind. In terms of total hours of work needed, except for Lead Actor in a Drama, the age breakdown works out from oldest to youngest going from Guest to Supporting to Lead. Lead roles go to the younger people it seems.
I was expecting it to move from Supporting roles to aging into becoming Leads and fading away into Guest roles. By nominations, this doesn't follow, but keep in mind most show have a larger supporting cast than lead roles. The Emmys seem to recognize solid role players who help prop up the leads over the younger, supporting characters that threaten to take over the show.
Also, the fact that the youngest average category is still over 40 means that most TV actors have to go through years of proving themselves before getting award recognition. Sure, a few outliers throw the numbers off some, but not as much as you'd think.
The other thing I wanted to challenge was the notion that once you've been nominated, the Emmys remember you, or alternately, multiple nominations are the rule, not the exception. This, largely, turned out to be true. Here's some charts I found interesting.
Actors and Actresses with multiple of any Emmy nomination (1993-2012)Actors 76.9%
Actresses 79.3%Actors and Actresses with multiple Comedy nominations (1993-2012)Actors 73.6%
Actresses 82.0%Actors and Actresses with multiple Drama nominations (1993-2012)
Actors 70.4%
Actresses 74.4%Actors and Actresses with multiple nomination in the same category (1993-2012)
Lead Actor Drama 83.8%
Lead Actress Drama 90.5%
Supporting Actor Drama 72.6%
Supporting Actress Drama 72.4%
Guest Actor Drama 43.0%
Guest Actress Drama 45.8%
Lead Actor Comedy 84.0%
Lead Actress Comedy 88.6%
Supporting Actor Comedy 89.5%
Supporting Actress Comedy 85.8%
Guest Actor Comedy 38.8%
Guest Actress Comedy 52.8%
I did a lot more calculations for 3, 4,5 or more nominations but they were largely without anomalies and well represented by the 2+ nominees numbers. As expected, the importance of a character to a show is majorly reflected here. Guest Actors are just that, guests, so repeat nominees are rare. Lead roles normally define a series, so they are not likely to change, thus they are the most consistent fields.
Some observations to be made from the following figures:
-Overall, men vs. women (76.9 vs. 79.3) are pretty even in terms of nominee consistency.
-Despite the growing number of strong female voices over the past few years, in comedy, there is still a rather large discrepancy in recognizing them in comedy. 73.6% men vs. 82.0% women means that fewer new voices are recognized and the Emmy voters just pick the names they are familiar with.
-It looks like the dramatic supporting roles lean less toward consistency than the comedy roles. This actually makes sense when you consider the number of single season arc characters that have been promoted to supporting roles over the past couple years, like last year's Supporting Actress (Drama) winner, Margo Martindale, or this year's Supporting Actor in a Drama nominee, Giancarlo Esposito. Comedy tends to pull from taking the familiar characters and mining that for laughs and Drama benefits from being fresh, new, and compelling.
Wow, this has gone on a little longer than I intended. Why did no one stop me? Oh yeah. Blog. That's right. Well, I hope any of this was interesting and not just an incomprehensible mess of numbers and observations. I guess the conclusion of this is that the numbers followed as I expected. The Emmys like to nominate the same people and this consistency results in fairly old ages to the nominees, although the older the actor, the less general importance to a series he/she has.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Movie Reaction: Lawless
Formula: The Untouchables - the urban environment
Cast: Shia LaBeouf has the most screen time of anyone, so I guess that makes him the lead. He's a pretty textbook character, but plays it as well as one could hope. Tom Hardy is a pretty eloquent guy. It's a shame he keeps picking roles like this one where he's the strong, silent type (or Bane, who's, well, you know). Jason Clarke is the third brother. I don't actually know who he is. The imdb page looks impressive enough and he plays a good, albeit underdeveloped drunk. I'm finally understanding why Jessica Chastain was the talk of the town last year. I would really like to see Mia Wasikowska in another major lead role again soon. Guy Pearce is good in this, I suppose. I've seen that character so many times before. When is a new model for a bad guy going to come along?
Plot: The one danger of a proper parody is that it really calls attention to the formula of a given genre. As a result, the great movies are still great, but the examples that are only good seem kind of stale. Having seen the Community episode "Contemporary America Poultry" hurt my ability to watch this movie. The rural setting for a Prohibition movie is a refreshing angle. Everything else was a little too familiar. There's a couple times when Shia LaBeouf starts doing narration to a montage when I started hearing it in Abed's voice. Killed the mood a little.
Elephant in the Room: I don't go to the movies to listen to Hillbilly speak. Agreed. It's gets a little annoying, and there's a couple times, especially with Tom Hardy when it's damn near unintelligible. It's not too bad most of the time though, and it's certainly a new perspective on for a familiar story.
To Sum Things Up:
I liked it. It's definitely one of the best releases in a while. I'm a fan of the gangster sub-genre though, so I'm not in unbiased judge. The movie exists in the middle ground where it's not quite Hollywood shoot 'em up and also lacks award season polish.
In Other Words: 5 years from now, this will be sold in a bundle with Public Enemies for $12.99 at Target. I'll consider buying that.
Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend
Cast: Shia LaBeouf has the most screen time of anyone, so I guess that makes him the lead. He's a pretty textbook character, but plays it as well as one could hope. Tom Hardy is a pretty eloquent guy. It's a shame he keeps picking roles like this one where he's the strong, silent type (or Bane, who's, well, you know). Jason Clarke is the third brother. I don't actually know who he is. The imdb page looks impressive enough and he plays a good, albeit underdeveloped drunk. I'm finally understanding why Jessica Chastain was the talk of the town last year. I would really like to see Mia Wasikowska in another major lead role again soon. Guy Pearce is good in this, I suppose. I've seen that character so many times before. When is a new model for a bad guy going to come along?
Plot: The one danger of a proper parody is that it really calls attention to the formula of a given genre. As a result, the great movies are still great, but the examples that are only good seem kind of stale. Having seen the Community episode "Contemporary America Poultry" hurt my ability to watch this movie. The rural setting for a Prohibition movie is a refreshing angle. Everything else was a little too familiar. There's a couple times when Shia LaBeouf starts doing narration to a montage when I started hearing it in Abed's voice. Killed the mood a little.
Elephant in the Room: I don't go to the movies to listen to Hillbilly speak. Agreed. It's gets a little annoying, and there's a couple times, especially with Tom Hardy when it's damn near unintelligible. It's not too bad most of the time though, and it's certainly a new perspective on for a familiar story.
To Sum Things Up:
I liked it. It's definitely one of the best releases in a while. I'm a fan of the gangster sub-genre though, so I'm not in unbiased judge. The movie exists in the middle ground where it's not quite Hollywood shoot 'em up and also lacks award season polish.
In Other Words: 5 years from now, this will be sold in a bundle with Public Enemies for $12.99 at Target. I'll consider buying that.
Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend
Friday, August 31, 2012
Mood Piece: New Shit, Bad Wakeup
I made a mistake the other day. I went to the store, then got drunk that night. I'm not talking about just any trip to the store though. I bought shit: a bunch of shit. I'm talking about an "I got a gift card" kind of trip to the store. This was one of those trips brought on from the special sort of circumstances that can only exist when you are a 20-something, single man, not living at home. I had to go to the store because my shit was broke. I reached that break point where all that shit I got for my dorm years ago would no longer do. The discoloration on the sheets is so that I no longer know what color they started as. My alarm clock is held together by duct tape and will power and doesn't go off so much as it chirps this painful dying sound. The pillow is literally a piece of fabric that used to have stuffing, but despite having no holes in it, is somehow missing all its innards. And don't even get me started on those towels (shouldn't washing take care of the smell).
Yeah, it was one of those massive shopping trips, set off one morning when I put on an episode of Good Times and think about how nice their shit is and remember what the backdrop of that show is. So, I go to the store, get new everything. Being a man, I don't look for sales and compare prices in the way that, say, a woman would. First of all, Bed, Bath, and Beyond is never in consideration. No, I'm going somewhere where I can get all my shit at once, and maybe get an Icee. I pick a Target in this case. And, I look for sales. Thread count has no effect on my decision. Whatever's cheaper, I get. I raid the clearance aisle for the cheapest Dora the Explorer alarm clock I can find. Get the extra-super firm pillow (see plywood) because it's the only one on sale. It doesn't really matter. The important part is that I'm still out of the store before that guy with his girlfriend is out of the discount nic-nac section at the entrance. I make sure to wave at him as I'm getting my Icee.
So that takes care of the shopping. I go home and start setting up all this new shit I have. When all is said and done, my room looks almost livable again. I feel that sense of grown-up pride you get whenever you do something really boring that they talk about in Redbook.
Then, I go on to celebrate my adultness. I think, "You know what would go great with the rest of my half-filled Icee? (yeah, I got the extra-large because it was only a nickel more than the small and I'm still riding that smart shopping high). What would go well with it? A whole lotta vodka. I pour myself that drink. Empty the bottle because the cup has room and there's not enough in the bottle for two nights of what I determine is "light drinking", sit down, and turn on the TV. Hey, Good Times is still on. John Amos just died so they're doing an all day marathon. Dy-no-mite! Wait, that would be a fun drinking game. It's not long before that whole drink is gone. Luckily it's still only 7 so I go to bed that night, only a little buzzed, but I need that good night's sleep anyway. I barely even care how uncomfortable there 50 thread could sheets (see Sandpaper) are. I fall right asleep. Here's where the mistake comes in.
...
...
...
"Despierte, sleepyhead!" "Despierte, sleepyhead!" "Despierte, sleepyhead!"
I wake up in a panic. The room is dark, a little Mexican girl is yelling at me. And I am sleeping under wax paper. Nothing around me looks familiar. I don't know where I am, and would somebody shut that little girl up! Am I in her room? How much did I drink last night! What is happening?!
I look in every direction for any sort of digital, lit, time device. I see the alarm clock. 12:00 AM. It keeps getting louder and louder. I grab hold of the danm thing but I don't know how to work it. I still have no idea where I am or what is happening, but I know that all meaning in life is dependent on turning that god forsaken alarm off. In a fit of rage, I hurl the clock at the wall. It turns off alright, but at the expense of Dora's poor head, which flies off somewhere.
Finally, after a few more panicked seconds, it all starts coming back to me: the sheets, the clearance aisle. Jimmy Walker! I have made myself a stranger in my own room, and drank myself into forgetting about it.
Now I regroup. What time is it? It is really midnight. I never set the alarm. I get up. Swear off drinking for life. Pop open a beer. Change that oath to laying off the hard stuff. Pick up the alarm clock and the head. Grab some duct tape. And pray to God I get married before I ever have to buy myself new stuff again.
Yeah, it was one of those massive shopping trips, set off one morning when I put on an episode of Good Times and think about how nice their shit is and remember what the backdrop of that show is. So, I go to the store, get new everything. Being a man, I don't look for sales and compare prices in the way that, say, a woman would. First of all, Bed, Bath, and Beyond is never in consideration. No, I'm going somewhere where I can get all my shit at once, and maybe get an Icee. I pick a Target in this case. And, I look for sales. Thread count has no effect on my decision. Whatever's cheaper, I get. I raid the clearance aisle for the cheapest Dora the Explorer alarm clock I can find. Get the extra-super firm pillow (see plywood) because it's the only one on sale. It doesn't really matter. The important part is that I'm still out of the store before that guy with his girlfriend is out of the discount nic-nac section at the entrance. I make sure to wave at him as I'm getting my Icee.
So that takes care of the shopping. I go home and start setting up all this new shit I have. When all is said and done, my room looks almost livable again. I feel that sense of grown-up pride you get whenever you do something really boring that they talk about in Redbook.
Then, I go on to celebrate my adultness. I think, "You know what would go great with the rest of my half-filled Icee? (yeah, I got the extra-large because it was only a nickel more than the small and I'm still riding that smart shopping high). What would go well with it? A whole lotta vodka. I pour myself that drink. Empty the bottle because the cup has room and there's not enough in the bottle for two nights of what I determine is "light drinking", sit down, and turn on the TV. Hey, Good Times is still on. John Amos just died so they're doing an all day marathon. Dy-no-mite! Wait, that would be a fun drinking game. It's not long before that whole drink is gone. Luckily it's still only 7 so I go to bed that night, only a little buzzed, but I need that good night's sleep anyway. I barely even care how uncomfortable there 50 thread could sheets (see Sandpaper) are. I fall right asleep. Here's where the mistake comes in.
...
...
...
"Despierte, sleepyhead!" "Despierte, sleepyhead!" "Despierte, sleepyhead!"
I wake up in a panic. The room is dark, a little Mexican girl is yelling at me. And I am sleeping under wax paper. Nothing around me looks familiar. I don't know where I am, and would somebody shut that little girl up! Am I in her room? How much did I drink last night! What is happening?!
I look in every direction for any sort of digital, lit, time device. I see the alarm clock. 12:00 AM. It keeps getting louder and louder. I grab hold of the danm thing but I don't know how to work it. I still have no idea where I am or what is happening, but I know that all meaning in life is dependent on turning that god forsaken alarm off. In a fit of rage, I hurl the clock at the wall. It turns off alright, but at the expense of Dora's poor head, which flies off somewhere.
Finally, after a few more panicked seconds, it all starts coming back to me: the sheets, the clearance aisle. Jimmy Walker! I have made myself a stranger in my own room, and drank myself into forgetting about it.
Now I regroup. What time is it? It is really midnight. I never set the alarm. I get up. Swear off drinking for life. Pop open a beer. Change that oath to laying off the hard stuff. Pick up the alarm clock and the head. Grab some duct tape. And pray to God I get married before I ever have to buy myself new stuff again.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Movie Reaction: Premium Rush
Formula: Breaking Away + The Transporter + Drive + Disney Channel Movie feel + Stranger Than Fiction style + Some other movie I can't think of but it has been bugging me for hours.
Cast: A lot of "hey, it's that guy from that thing" going on in this one. Joesph Gordon-Levitt is the only big name attached to this as well as the only reason I saw it in the first place. Dania Ramirez and Jamie Chung are good eye candy, but not used for that purpose. I'd like to see either of them in a good TV show. That's a good place for them, I think. I couldn't even tell you the name of the rest of the cast. Nothing against them, but this movie has straight-to-DVD written all over it. JGL is the main reason this even got a burn-off release.
Plot: This is a very multi-toned movie in a bad way. One minute it's light-hearted bike riding, then it's Chinese mafia, then an "I'm getting too old for this shit" moment, followed by a beat down. It felt a lot longer than it was. Overall, I'm not sure what the aim was here. I assume the writer/director used to be a bike messenger or something and wanted to make a movie with a lot of cool bike riding scenes but that pesky need for a plot got in the way. They also play with the time a lot, although the editing of it isn't all that great.
The Big City: New York is one of the biggest cities in the world and this movie made it seem like Topeka. JGL runs into the same bike cop a handful of times is vastly different locations. I supposed NYC only has one police station too because everyone happens to be at the same one. The girl who gives him the letter to deliver ends up getting to the delivery spot at nearly the same time as JGL. I get that they need to tell a story, but it's all a little too convenient.
Elephant in the Room: Bike Messengers are dicks. A minute in, I pretty much hated all the main characters. I guess it's accurate that they kind of get in the way in NYC, but the number of wrecks JGL nearly causes just to not inconvenience himself is kind of obnoxious and the bike rider community and the "no breaks, no gears" stuff is really hokey. I kind of wouldn't mind if a taxi picked off a couple of them.
To Sum Things Up:
I gave it a shot, but this is the least satisfying movie I've seen in a while, theater or otherwise. It's not my kind of movie, and judging by Friday grosses, I'm not alone. I was hoping for a hidden gem and didn't get it. Here's to waiting for Looper.
Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend
Cast: A lot of "hey, it's that guy from that thing" going on in this one. Joesph Gordon-Levitt is the only big name attached to this as well as the only reason I saw it in the first place. Dania Ramirez and Jamie Chung are good eye candy, but not used for that purpose. I'd like to see either of them in a good TV show. That's a good place for them, I think. I couldn't even tell you the name of the rest of the cast. Nothing against them, but this movie has straight-to-DVD written all over it. JGL is the main reason this even got a burn-off release.
Plot: This is a very multi-toned movie in a bad way. One minute it's light-hearted bike riding, then it's Chinese mafia, then an "I'm getting too old for this shit" moment, followed by a beat down. It felt a lot longer than it was. Overall, I'm not sure what the aim was here. I assume the writer/director used to be a bike messenger or something and wanted to make a movie with a lot of cool bike riding scenes but that pesky need for a plot got in the way. They also play with the time a lot, although the editing of it isn't all that great.
The Big City: New York is one of the biggest cities in the world and this movie made it seem like Topeka. JGL runs into the same bike cop a handful of times is vastly different locations. I supposed NYC only has one police station too because everyone happens to be at the same one. The girl who gives him the letter to deliver ends up getting to the delivery spot at nearly the same time as JGL. I get that they need to tell a story, but it's all a little too convenient.
Elephant in the Room: Bike Messengers are dicks. A minute in, I pretty much hated all the main characters. I guess it's accurate that they kind of get in the way in NYC, but the number of wrecks JGL nearly causes just to not inconvenience himself is kind of obnoxious and the bike rider community and the "no breaks, no gears" stuff is really hokey. I kind of wouldn't mind if a taxi picked off a couple of them.
To Sum Things Up:
I gave it a shot, but this is the least satisfying movie I've seen in a while, theater or otherwise. It's not my kind of movie, and judging by Friday grosses, I'm not alone. I was hoping for a hidden gem and didn't get it. Here's to waiting for Looper.
Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend
Friday, August 24, 2012
Rant: Drinking from a Friend’s Cup
My life is filled with anxiety (ex. I was worried if I spelled that correctly so I had to look it up before continuing even though I was certain it was correct) (By the way, nailed it). One situation where this comes into play full-force (as well as touching on my selective germaphobia, universal guilt and embarrassment, and simultaneous fear of being ignored and noticed by others) is a story as old as time.
I find myself sharing a meal with friends. It is a casual affair, the type where seats aren’t marked beforehand. I’m imagining a location in a booth, but a bar or middle table at TGIFridays would do as well. It’s a large group. Jimmy just got a promotion or Sally is celebrating her birthday. We are celebrating a friend people actually choose to see. Not Fred, who I don’t have any issue with. In fact, he can actually be fun, but I don’t know if he fits into the dynamics of the group. No one likes him enough to throw something for him, so he has to set it up for himself and that level of desperation is a big deterrent for my being in attendance (Yes, I’m Fred most of the time).
So, everyone is gathered to celebrate Brad’s corporate takeover of Old Pete’s Good Tyme Vacums and Printers, laughing and having a good time. I am in between conversations, having lost interest in the story about Margaret’s cat chasing the mailman to your left and looking for an in to the discussion to the right about Olympic events that would be ruined if the show Heroes was real. I grab a drink since the refill-lady just came by, while I formulate an opinion on the possibility that Michael Phelps is some sort of mutant already, but – what the hell?
I didn’t get Dr. Pepper.
I take a quick examination of my surroundings, and that’s when the anxiety kicks in: I grabbed the wrong cup.
Now, normal, well-adjusted people would think/say “oops” and grab their own cup and jump in to postulate that no character would be able to rig Curling. If you are thinking that, then you obviously don’t know me.
At this moment, my survival instincts kick in, and by that I mean my instincts. There is no room for survival in my Doug Funnie-esque brain, only panic. So, I survey my surroundings. There are two things I am looking for: a pair of knowing eyes that saw what I did, zeroed in on me and the phantom grab by the guy sitting next to me for his 23 flavor drink.
Let's run through the circumstances:
-Knowing eyes, no phantom grab: I find the most decorated location in the restaurant. The more decorated, the better, because the best option I have is to distract the knowing eyes. “Hey, what does that sign say?” or “Does that fake shark have a fedora?” (Available for any TGIFridays or any other chachki-based establishment) usually works for me. Once their attention is diverted, rid yourself of that cup ASAP.
-Phantom grab, no knowing eyes: I keep hold of the cup till the person realizes I have it and start examining the cup like it's a foreign substance. Maybe even sniff it like that would determine anything. "What are you drinking?" I ask. Hopefully I'm not drinking the same thing. I could lose face then (because sniffing the drink isn't weird at all).
-Knowing eyes, phantom grab: That's when I own up to it. Call attention to it and say "Anyone else's drink taste weird? I don't think mine has enough syrup." Take another sip out of the friend's drink, but don't user the straw this time. "Yeah, I only taste 16 flavors of this. Something is definitely wrong with the machine."
-No knowing eyes, no phantom grab: (aka "the dream scenario") I put the drink down as I should've done to begin with. No one cares either way.
I wish I could say this is not actually the way I think, but it is. Even at the time I know it's crazy. No one at the celebration of Nancy's canoeing to the Maldives will remember it by the end of the night even if everyone sees me drink from the other person's cup, but it's not about other people for the same reason I get stage fright when I am practicing a speech alone. That's why I am still embarrassed I drank from the wrong cup at Wicks months back, even though no one noticed...
I find myself sharing a meal with friends. It is a casual affair, the type where seats aren’t marked beforehand. I’m imagining a location in a booth, but a bar or middle table at TGIFridays would do as well. It’s a large group. Jimmy just got a promotion or Sally is celebrating her birthday. We are celebrating a friend people actually choose to see. Not Fred, who I don’t have any issue with. In fact, he can actually be fun, but I don’t know if he fits into the dynamics of the group. No one likes him enough to throw something for him, so he has to set it up for himself and that level of desperation is a big deterrent for my being in attendance (Yes, I’m Fred most of the time).
So, everyone is gathered to celebrate Brad’s corporate takeover of Old Pete’s Good Tyme Vacums and Printers, laughing and having a good time. I am in between conversations, having lost interest in the story about Margaret’s cat chasing the mailman to your left and looking for an in to the discussion to the right about Olympic events that would be ruined if the show Heroes was real. I grab a drink since the refill-lady just came by, while I formulate an opinion on the possibility that Michael Phelps is some sort of mutant already, but – what the hell?
I didn’t get Dr. Pepper.
I take a quick examination of my surroundings, and that’s when the anxiety kicks in: I grabbed the wrong cup.
Now, normal, well-adjusted people would think/say “oops” and grab their own cup and jump in to postulate that no character would be able to rig Curling. If you are thinking that, then you obviously don’t know me.
At this moment, my survival instincts kick in, and by that I mean my instincts. There is no room for survival in my Doug Funnie-esque brain, only panic. So, I survey my surroundings. There are two things I am looking for: a pair of knowing eyes that saw what I did, zeroed in on me and the phantom grab by the guy sitting next to me for his 23 flavor drink.
Let's run through the circumstances:
-Knowing eyes, no phantom grab: I find the most decorated location in the restaurant. The more decorated, the better, because the best option I have is to distract the knowing eyes. “Hey, what does that sign say?” or “Does that fake shark have a fedora?” (Available for any TGIFridays or any other chachki-based establishment) usually works for me. Once their attention is diverted, rid yourself of that cup ASAP.
-Phantom grab, no knowing eyes: I keep hold of the cup till the person realizes I have it and start examining the cup like it's a foreign substance. Maybe even sniff it like that would determine anything. "What are you drinking?" I ask. Hopefully I'm not drinking the same thing. I could lose face then (because sniffing the drink isn't weird at all).
-Knowing eyes, phantom grab: That's when I own up to it. Call attention to it and say "Anyone else's drink taste weird? I don't think mine has enough syrup." Take another sip out of the friend's drink, but don't user the straw this time. "Yeah, I only taste 16 flavors of this. Something is definitely wrong with the machine."
-No knowing eyes, no phantom grab: (aka "the dream scenario") I put the drink down as I should've done to begin with. No one cares either way.
I wish I could say this is not actually the way I think, but it is. Even at the time I know it's crazy. No one at the celebration of Nancy's canoeing to the Maldives will remember it by the end of the night even if everyone sees me drink from the other person's cup, but it's not about other people for the same reason I get stage fright when I am practicing a speech alone. That's why I am still embarrassed I drank from the wrong cup at Wicks months back, even though no one noticed...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Movie Reaction: The Bourne Legacy
Formula: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead + The Bourne Trilogy
Cast: I like the people in it. Jeremy Renner always strikes me as the first choice to replace another guy (See Mission Impossible and, well, this movie). Rachel Weisz I like even though I can't point to a movie that I love that she's been in and this movie doesn't fill that need. Edward Norton is massively underused in this. He needs to show up in a lot more movies. Overall, this was not a movie that was a draw for me for any specific actor in it. Matt Damon is sorely missed here.
Plot: Overall, the plot's pretty simple but the details are a-plenty. All it is is a search for more pills. That's it. The trick is, the first 3 movies never made mention of these pills* so they spent a lot of time driving in what that's about. For all the talk of the Bourne movies being this generation's James Bond, this is the first one that felt generic to wear that crown. In fact, for a 2+ hour movie, I didn't feel that close to any of the characters by the end. There was a distance to them that I don't remember being in the originals.
*I don't remember if they did, at least. I'm not an expert on this.
Elephant in the Room: Is it really Bourne without Bourne? No. It's not. I've been racking my brain coming up with a similar example of what this movie is like, but can't. I don't mind the "there's more than just Bourne" angle. Not being able to get Matt Damon in even a cameo hurt it in that they were constantly working around him. Also, the whole explanation of Treadstone and all that completely changes things in a way I didn't like. It's like changing the Spider-man story from being the result of a freak accident to him being some sort of chosen one (which is why I didn't care for The Amazing Spider Man). It's a different kind of adaptation to the story, but the DNA of the reworking is the same.
To Sum Things Up:
I liked it. I'm not the biggest fan of the series and this is the most generic of them all. I never asked why I was watching this. I find myself asking why this exists at all. Part of me would prefer they just treat it like James Bond and recast Matt Damon outright instead of shoehorning in this sister narrative.
Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend
Cast: I like the people in it. Jeremy Renner always strikes me as the first choice to replace another guy (See Mission Impossible and, well, this movie). Rachel Weisz I like even though I can't point to a movie that I love that she's been in and this movie doesn't fill that need. Edward Norton is massively underused in this. He needs to show up in a lot more movies. Overall, this was not a movie that was a draw for me for any specific actor in it. Matt Damon is sorely missed here.
Plot: Overall, the plot's pretty simple but the details are a-plenty. All it is is a search for more pills. That's it. The trick is, the first 3 movies never made mention of these pills* so they spent a lot of time driving in what that's about. For all the talk of the Bourne movies being this generation's James Bond, this is the first one that felt generic to wear that crown. In fact, for a 2+ hour movie, I didn't feel that close to any of the characters by the end. There was a distance to them that I don't remember being in the originals.
*I don't remember if they did, at least. I'm not an expert on this.
Elephant in the Room: Is it really Bourne without Bourne? No. It's not. I've been racking my brain coming up with a similar example of what this movie is like, but can't. I don't mind the "there's more than just Bourne" angle. Not being able to get Matt Damon in even a cameo hurt it in that they were constantly working around him. Also, the whole explanation of Treadstone and all that completely changes things in a way I didn't like. It's like changing the Spider-man story from being the result of a freak accident to him being some sort of chosen one (which is why I didn't care for The Amazing Spider Man). It's a different kind of adaptation to the story, but the DNA of the reworking is the same.
To Sum Things Up:
I liked it. I'm not the biggest fan of the series and this is the most generic of them all. I never asked why I was watching this. I find myself asking why this exists at all. Part of me would prefer they just treat it like James Bond and recast Matt Damon outright instead of shoehorning in this sister narrative.
Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Movie Reaction: The Expendables 2
Editor's* Note: I decided to play the Expendables drinking game. That means, I bought a Medium coke, poured a flask of bourbon into it, and took a sip every time something ridiculous happened. Bad idea! 10 minutes in, things got a little hazy.
* HA! Editor. That's rich.
Formula: Grown Ups + Guns...a lot of guns.
Cast: My god, in 1988, I would be having a total MANgasm watching this. Now though...well, they knew exactly what they were doing casting this. I won't bother going over who is in it because no one expects that. You know that guy in that movie where a bunch of stuff explodes? He's in it. And, he kills a bunch of people.
Plot: Was there one? I'd be hard pressed to find one. If ever there was a franchise that I would say could benefit from being directed by Michael Bay (and I mean that as a compliment), this would probably be it. I literally just saw it, but I couldn't tell you what it was about. Then again, I can describe every action sequence, so, no surprise here, it's that kind of movie.
Elephant in the Room: Isn't this movie pretty ridiculous and stupid? You betcha! This movie has absolutely no value to the history of cinema or society as a whole or even a subset of society as a microcosm of our culture. It is completely without merit in nearly every category. Still, it knows it and it embraces it like few movies you will ever see. It is ridiculous, stupid fun. I really do respect a movie that is this "in your face" about what it is and doesn't pull any punches.
To Sum Things Up:
Don't see this. That's what you want to hear and it's the truth. Then again, if you are looking for a stupid as hell, ridiculous good time, you have your movie. I really didn't like this movie very much, but the tone of this Reaction is pretty favorable. The reason is, when you have something this self-aware of how bad it is, how can you throw any honest criticism toward it?
Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend
* HA! Editor. That's rich.
Formula: Grown Ups + Guns...a lot of guns.
Cast: My god, in 1988, I would be having a total MANgasm watching this. Now though...well, they knew exactly what they were doing casting this. I won't bother going over who is in it because no one expects that. You know that guy in that movie where a bunch of stuff explodes? He's in it. And, he kills a bunch of people.
Plot: Was there one? I'd be hard pressed to find one. If ever there was a franchise that I would say could benefit from being directed by Michael Bay (and I mean that as a compliment), this would probably be it. I literally just saw it, but I couldn't tell you what it was about. Then again, I can describe every action sequence, so, no surprise here, it's that kind of movie.
Elephant in the Room: Isn't this movie pretty ridiculous and stupid? You betcha! This movie has absolutely no value to the history of cinema or society as a whole or even a subset of society as a microcosm of our culture. It is completely without merit in nearly every category. Still, it knows it and it embraces it like few movies you will ever see. It is ridiculous, stupid fun. I really do respect a movie that is this "in your face" about what it is and doesn't pull any punches.
To Sum Things Up:
Don't see this. That's what you want to hear and it's the truth. Then again, if you are looking for a stupid as hell, ridiculous good time, you have your movie. I really didn't like this movie very much, but the tone of this Reaction is pretty favorable. The reason is, when you have something this self-aware of how bad it is, how can you throw any honest criticism toward it?
Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend
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