Formula:
(Dumbo + The Greatest Showman) / Big Fish
Disney Executive: Tim, glad to see you.
Tim Burton: I hear that you have a project for me?
DE: Always. So, you know
how live action remakes are all the rage right now. Since people won't show up
any more for re-releases of our animated classics, the next best thing is to
turn a cartoon into live-action.
TB [Excited]: You want me to direct another Alice in Wonderland?!
DE: No, no, NO. That
franchise is dead. Never speak of it again. We've all agreed.
TB: The
first movie made a billion dollars, but OK.
DE: We've been pushing
this strategy hard. We've already got The Lion King and Aldaddin
in the works, and we have an idea that we think would be perfect for you.
Circuses are huge right now. The Greatest Showman just became a sleeper
hit. And that movie wasn't even that good. That has us thinking: "We have
a circus property too." We have Dumbo.
TB [Excited]: Dumbo? So, I get to animate a flying elephant?!
DE: Naturally, you we the
first person we thought of. You already brought your gothic sensibilities to a
circus in Big Fish. We've had a lot of success with you in the past,
even when the critics didn't agree. And we know how much you love your little
stories about outcasts.
TB: And I can make his
ears big?
DE: Very big.
TB: What kind of budget
will I have to make Dumbo fly?
DE: Well over $100 million
of course.
TB: Imagine how good I can
make Dumbo look with all that money.
DE: The $100 million isn't
all for the Dumbo animation. This is a tentpole movie we're looking for.
TB: And I can give him
adorable blue eyes.
DE: We've had a lot of
success with these remakes. But if we are getting that kind of budget, we need
to know you have a grand vision for it.
TB: How believably do you
think we can make an elephant smile?
DE: Tim, I'm glad you are
excited about making the CGI elephant, but we are going to need a full movie.
This isn't one of those small, personal late summer projects like Pete's
Dragon or Christopher Robin. We need to know you'll treat it as an
event.
TB: Yeah, yeah. Sure. As
long as I get to make an adorable flying elephant protagonist.
DE: None of this stuff
where you just CGI all the locations. People can tell when they are looking at
computer gernerated sets. They don't have any depth to them. We end up with a
lot of complaints about the whole thing feeling fake.
TB: Don't worry. I know
that's been a problem before. I'll make sure the CGI sets look better this
time. And even if they don't, people won't care if the elephant looks good
enough.
DE: You're worrying me,
Tim. It can't be all about the elephant.
TB: Again,
Alice in Wonderland made you a billion dollars. Trust me on this.
DE: This isn't a blank
check, mind you. The studio has a few demands, I mean, requests.
TB: Of course. You know
I'm a team player.
DE: The animated classic
wasn't very long, barely an hour, so we will need you to flesh out the story
some. Give the human characters more backstory.
TB: Ugh, do I have to? I
can't just make it about Dumbo.
DE: The humans need a
story.
TB: Can I just selectively
pull from the Greatest Showman story?
DE: Great idea. We'll get
our best guys to put together a script treatment.
TB: Phew.
DE: But, cut the racist
crows. People will have none of that.
TB: That fine. I can just
use that time for some trapeez stuff or something.
DE: We are targeting young
audiences hard with this one. We aren't focusing of all-ages entertainment
even. So, this needs to push up again a G rating.
TB: OK, so only one death
then.
DE: One death?! Why do you
go straight to death?
TB: Don't worry. It can be
off-screen and I'll make sure the guy is really repugnant.
DE: (Sighs) Fine.
Alright, we're going to need it to have some kids in it. And the girl, she has
to be into STEM subjects. Make her a scientist or something.
TB: These are circus kids
though. That's a little weird. What if I can't find a way to make that fit with
everything else going on in the movie?
DE: That's not a
suggestion. It's an order. Look, we have a half century of princess tropes to
make up for. We've got the Tomorrowland girl, the Wrinkle in Time
girl, and Shuri from Black Panther. We want to be a studio of science
girls now. That's going to be our thing. Find a way to make it work.
TB: I guess that won't be
so hard. I can give her lines like "I believe in the scientific method"
and "I want to be a scientist."
DE: Perfect. Do you have
any ideas about casting?
TB: I can call in my
regulars. Michael [Keaton] has been looking for something where he can
over-act. Eva [Green] is always lovely. Her precense reminds me a lot of Helana
[Bonham Carter]. Danny [DeVito] of course. He was born to be the ring leader of
a circus. And, well, Johnny [Depp] -
DE: No. No, Johnny. All
that stuff with him and his wife is getting a little toxic. And, as you said.
The elephant needs to be the star.
TB: You make a good point.
I don't need Johnny taking focus away from Dumbo.
DE: How about Collin
Farrell instead?
TB: I like that idea. I
can make him a horse-wrangler from Kentucky. And he'll have one arm?
DE: Wait, What? Why one
arm?
TB: Because he lost it in
the war.
DE: The war? What war? (sighs)
You know what? Fine. And we'll need some kids.
TB: Of course.
DE: I'm sure some
celebrities have kids or something. I hear Thandie [Newton's] daughter is
looking for something.
TB: Is she any good?
DE: Good enough. Oh, and
don't ask why, but I'd really like Alan Arkin to show up. You don't have to
give him much. Five lines should be plenty. He doesn't even have to be playing
a part really. He can phone in the whole performance. I just think he'd be fun to
have
TB: Sure why not?
DE: So, we have a deal
then?
TB: Absolutely.
DE: Now remember. You
can't just put all your effort into the Dumbo character and let the story and
other effects fall to the wayside.
TB: I wouldn't dream of
it.
Verdict: Weakly Don't Recommend
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