Movie Reaction: The Curse of La Llorona

Formula: The Conjuring - Annabelle - The Nun

As much as I want to believe in the year-round movie calendar, there are some dead spots. Late January, after I've caught up on all the Oscar movies is one. September still has plenty of unclaimed real estate. There's that week in December right after Thanksgiving that studios leave alone because they assume people people aren't impatient fools who see all the holiday releases during Thanksgiving break. Despite March turning into a viable month for blockbusters and the traditional "Summer" movie season start of the first week of May slowly getting pushed earlier, there's still inevitably a lull in April. Some years, I can spin that into gold by seeing by seeing an unassuming movie that I end up loving, like Eye in the Sky. Most years though, my compulsion to keep my streak alive (at least 1 movie a week since August 2012) means I end up seeing some disappointing movies around this time of year.

And with that ebullient introduction, let me get to The Curse of La Llorona. That's the latest PG-13 horror movie from the Conjuring universe (more on that in a bit). Before I start getting all "movie grump" about this, I should note that the movie is exactly what it promises. It's been sold as a movie about and single mother (widowed) played by Linda Cardellini and her two kids being haunted by an evil spirit (La Llorona) who wants to kills the children, and that's what the movie is. It promises a bunch of jump scares where it goes really quiet and still, right before the music gets loud and a lot starts happening at once. It promises a lot of lightning and creepy Catholic mysticism. There isn't a thing about this movie that is deceptive in its advertising, so really, it's on me for seeing it and not liking it much. I knew what I was getting into.

I'd also like to specifically point out how nice it was to see Linda Cardellini in a leading role. I'm a big fan of Cardellini's. I liked seeing her in this so much that I went and started another Freaks and Geeks rewatch afterward. There isn't anything special about her performance in La Llorona. It mostly just requires her to be occasionally scared. But if it's a choice between her and any number of actresses of a similar age and stature, I'm glad they went with Cardellini. Who knows. Maybe between this and a good supporting role in Green Book, we're looking at the beginning of a Linda Cardellini Renaissance: A "Cardellissance". The rest of the cast is less interesting. The two kids (Roman Christou, Jaynee-Lynne Kinchen) are perfectly fine child actors in a horror movie. Raymond Cruz shows up at one point and gets to be a bit of a scene-stealer. Tony Amendola's Father Perez from Annabelle shows up in a small role. That's about it.

There's no reason for this to be part of the Conjuring world. Its connection is tenuous. I suppose you could call it a spoiler to bring up the Conjuring at all, because they've hidden that from all the trailers. It's of no significance to know it though. There are some similar stylistic choices in the scares, but otherwise, it's a very stand-alone story. I'm not sure I understand the decision to tie it into that universe but not advertise the fact. More than any genre, horror movies historically have been sold on brand recognition. Just look at how many Friday the 13ths or Nightmare on Elm Streets there have been. In the long run, I am more of a fan of the Conjuring method of continuing the story. They cover a similar timeline (1960s and 1970s, mainly), have the same basic "dark spirits" explanation for all the evil beings, but offer a variety of story types. The Curse of La Lorna has a mix of haunted house, home invader, and slasher elements. It uses the Conjuring template without the burden of being a direct sequel.

I'm not a fan of major studio horror very often. It's all very safe. The PG-13 rating means it's fighting with one arm tied behind its back. I don't need or particularly want blood and gore, but it's nice to know a movie has it as an option if it needs it. The characters never really felt in danger. I don't like jump-scares. Too often, they are a cheat. Any half-competent filmmaking crew can edit the sound and shots to get a rise out of an audience. It's telegraphed ahead of time throughout this movie. The music or the way it holds on a shots always clues the audience in that something is about to happen. I much prefer a sense of dread, which this doesn't have. Nothing about it sticks with me after seeing it.

Here's were I suck all the fun out of it. The story barely makes sense. I never understood the rules of La Lorna. Why does she spend so long terrorizing the house? She gets in the house pretty early, then just messes with the lights and slams some doors for a couple days. Why not just kill the kids right away? I'm not saying it all needs to be explained. I just need to know the rules. Freddy Kruger kills people when they go to sleep. The "it" that follows in It Follows slowly pursues the cursed person who most recently had sex. The mirror in Oculus drives people to madness by messing with their minds. Samara waits a week to kill people in The Ring. I understand what the threat is in all these cases; what activities to avoid or how much time is left. I don't know what La Llorona is about. She wants to kill kids. I don't know how or how quickly, if there's a ritual to her actions, or how she targets. Her every action is chosen for what gets the best jump scare or creepy image. It's thrill-driven storytelling, not character driven, and that's a problem, even in horror. The characters are actually quite stupid. No one just says "Hey, this is crazy, but I saw a really scary ghost lady, so that's why I've been randomly screaming the last couple nights". I appreciate when someone in a horror movie doubts that he or she is in a horror movie.

The Curse of La Llorona isn't a very good movie. It's isn't unwatchable either. It's a lazy effort without the kind of thrills or payoff that would make me forget my other issues with it. The performances rise to the level of the material. The characters are fairly bland. The "monster" is scary enough albeit forgettable. Nothing about the photography or production design is particularly inspired. I can't find a way to saying anything more than it set a low bar and barely cleared it.

Verdict: Weakly Don't Recommend