Some Thoughts on Funerals

There really is nothing so morbid as a closed casket wake. If you don't know what I mean by that then I pity you.

Let's use my own personal example. I'm like 12, been to probably a dozen of these things [wakes], which is already morbid enough when you think about it (I'd been to maybe half as many weddings at that point). I've been to these things for natural causes, diseases, even a bank robbery gone wrong. Open casket every time. I get to this thing, a murder-suicide, I think. I go up to the casket as soon as I get there (because I'm all about judging what they wear), and the casket is closed.

Of course, the only thing I (and everyone else whether they admit it or not so don't judge me) am wondering is what is in there. Now, I know I'm still young enough at that point to ask about it and people call it childhood curiosity instead of being rude or morbid. So, I ask why it's closed and the only explanation I get from anyone is that they couldn't save the face or something about only being able to stop so much swelling. That only deepens my desire to see that. And, I know it's not just me because everyone is keeping a larger than normal radius from the casket but looking at it twice as much. At this point I'm left feeling like an ass for wanting to see it, but still unable to get the money shot.

Oh well, it did save me from having to see the body which is generally my least favorite part. I always hate that feeling that the body is going to wake up and say "boo". All I know is that I'm staying ready in case someone ever tries to give me the Tom Sayer treatment.That person gets up, I'm putting 'em back down. I'm not going to two of these things for you.

By the way, if you are thinking about it, a funeral is a bad time to come out. Really tasteless. That's not to say this has happened at a funeral I've been to, but I have thought about it before while I was on the hunt for some peppermints.

Question: how long do you have to be in the room with the body before you are allowed to look for the food? And, why does the food always suck? And, why aren't you allowed to complain about the food? I'm pretty sure Great Aunt Sue didn't want to be thought of as too cheap to spring for more than a fruit plate, pretzels, and off brand 2-liters. Get some good food, but here's the thing. Don't get the dead person's favorite food. That's kind of a dick move. Get his favorite food when he can still enjoy it. Personally, I say, at the reception (still don't know why funerals have those. Dead and buried is used as a metaphor for being done with something), serve food the deceased hated. This is the chance to finally have sushi, now that grandpa isn't there to bitch about the Japs trying to kill us with their food.

For my funeral, here's my idea. I want it to be a roast. Invite everybody over, have them rip me a new one. Only difference, I would record my insults and play them at the beginning, not the end, because I'm not stupid. I know people will hold back if I don't give them reason to go after me. I want the only thing to keep people from walking out after my video is played to be that they will have their chance to fire back.