Eclectic Boredom

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Movie Reaction: Battleship

Formula:
The Room + Explosions
OR
Transformers - Things That Transform
OR
Star Trek's Plot + FNL's Cast + $100,000,000 Budget - Any Attempt to Question What They Were Doing

Cast: Let's break this down. Taylor Kitsch and Jesse Plemons are both from FNL and I worry that either's attachment to the movie (and Kitsch's to John Carter) will hurt their chances to do future movies. They do what they can here, but there's little to return on that investment. Liam Neeson is awesome. People make mistakes. He's not exempt. Brooklyn Decker was the worst actress in "Just Go With It". Let that sink in. Thank god she's pretty. Rihanna is making her acting debut. She's from Barbados or something, right? Well, they tried to mask that accent with an even more annoying one. Or maybe that's just how she talks. I don't know. She should stick to singing. It was interesting though, that she is a major sex symbol and they did not use her for that at all. That doesn't happen often.

Plot: Wow. Just, wow. Aliens are involved. They can travel through space but still have water based vehicles it seems. Yeah. There's no saving it. A large portion of this is a love letter to the Navy. That's nice, I guess. A lot of the beats of the movie, especially in the beginning uncomfortably reminded me of "The Room", which is never a selling point. They even convoluted a way to use the mechanics of the actual board game, so, I suppose props are due for coming up with a way to get that to work.
This plot is a mess. You either forgive it or suffer through 2 hours trying to make sense of it.

Elephant in the Room: Why did I even see this? I don't know. I sort of wanted firsthand knowledge of this train wreck. I mean, how did this get made? Sooooo much money went into it. Several cast members are too smart to be attached to this. Peter Berg is a really good director. There's a way to have done this movie sans aliens and make some painless popcorn fun. I just don't understand how such a miscalculation could have been made for this final product to make it to theaters.

To Sum Things Up:
I can't think of a single person I know who I could recommend this too. No movie has deserved the "instant pop culture punchline" tag quite like this one. It's not even like I wish I got my $9 back. I'm more angry that I was put in the situation where this movie could exist. It was forgettable and painless in the worst possible way. And, the sad thing is, I'm still happy I saw it over The Dictator.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Friday, May 18, 2012

House: 10 Episodes I Liked

Now it's time for a happier look back on House. Later in the week I'll be posting my 10 favorite House episodes. I'll be going into some detail for those. There are more than just 10 episodes that I love, so here's the ones on the cusp. Also, there's more than just 20 episodes that I love, so even if it's not on either list, there's a good chance, if it's season 1-5, I probably have some good things to say about it.

Love Hurts (1.20)
After the Vogler saga, a fine story arc on it's own, we have this little gem of an episode. The weekly case was pretty vintage House even if it did underuse John Cho. The reason I like this episode so much is because it's the episode when House and Cameron go on a date. It hints at episodes to come by showing House, perhaps at his most vulnerable, preparing for the date.

Autopsy (2.2)
I don't remember most of the side plots to this one beyond Chase kissing a 9 year old. That's a pretty fun B-story. The A-story of House v. Cancer kid is still one of my favorite cases of the show holding nothing back. I miss the days of taboo breaking week-to-week.

The Mistake (2.8)
This show used to do non-traditional story-telling so well. I loved how they built up the story from testimony and in the process gave a lot of depth to Chase's character. Still one of my favorites to watch.

Half-Wit (3.15)
I badly wanted to find a video of House playing the piano with Dave Matthews. That's why this is on the list and is, without a doubt, a top ten moment in the series for me.

Mirror, Mirror (4.5)
This is one that I don't think the casual fan of the show appreciates as much. The fun of it all is how the patient sees the other characters. The scene at the end where House and Cuddy test the patient to find the dominant one in the relationship is great.

Birthmarks (5.4)
House & Wilson + Road trip = Awesomeness. That's just a fact. I love hearing the story of how House and Wilson met. Plus, there's a great "then and now" joy in seeing the old team and the new team both trying to figure out House's metaphors without him.

Locked In (5.19)
Sure, this episode was mostly gimmick, but it was a well executed one. The first half allows them to have a lot of "fly on the wall" scenes for character insight and all the Mos Def a person could ask for. That's a lie. You can never have enough Mos Def.

Broken (6.1 & 6.2)
I still refuse to buy season 6, so I'm going mostly off memory of this one, but any time Hugh Laurie plays Jack Nicholson circa 1975 in an Emmy-bait showcase mini-movie, I'm on board.

Two Stories (7.13)
Two thirds as good as "Three Stories" still kicks most episodes' asses. A transparent, albeit refreshing reminder of what the show once was.

Last Temptation (7.19)
Like "Half-Wit" this is only on here because I really enjoyed Hugh Laurie singing "Forget your troubles, come get happy". I forget most of the rest of the episode. I'm sure it was overall lacking (just look at the production code. That's late in the run). This is my list though, so I can use whatever weak criteria I want.

One final thought. It's a shame that Park and Masters came late enough into the series that there was not episode that showcased them. I like the actresses and the characters. I really wanted to put the episode that followed Masters on here, for example so that I could mention the chicken contest between House and Wilson, but that was a cheap laugh and not great writing. Oh well. Next up, my top 10.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

House: 5 Worst Turning Point

It's almost over. It's almost, painfully, mercifully, thankfully over.

I never wanted to say that about the finale of House. For a good four seasons, that show was banging on the door of my All-Time Favorite's list. Hell, for a while there Greg House was St. Peter.

As I predicted from the moment I started watching it though, House went the way all great Fox shows go (X-Files, The OC, Malcolm in the Middle arguably, The Simpsons, Married with Children, and the list goes on). It kept going. Past "it's not as good as last season". Past "it used to be SO good. What happened?". Past "They've ruined it". Past "that's still on". Now, I'm actively happy it's ending, which is sad.

These last couple seasons haven't been all bad. The new team (Taub, Thirteen, and Kutner) had a good run for a while. I rather liked the brief stay of Masters. Park and Adams would've been great had they been introduced when the show still cared about quality.

But mostly, this has been a 5 season journey into the abyss. Later in the week, I will be writing about some of my favorite House episodes. Today, however, we will take a look at the 5 episodes that, more than anything, I think signify the turning points in the series, for the worse. Let me make it clear. These are not [necessarily] my least favorite episodes. They are just the five hindsight warning signs that things were going downhill.

You Don't Want to Know (4.8)
Yeah. This is the one that the guy has Lupis. How fucking stupid was that. Two things were sacred in the series: Everybody lies and it's not Lupis. Then, here we are, the prime of the series, not even at the halfway point, and they kill one of the two major pop culture contributions it has. Not a bad episode, but a horrible sign of things to come.

Simple Explanation (5.20)
Speaking of killing...I know this one had more to do with Kal Penn than the direction the show wanted to go, but damn, what a bad turn. They already have an expiration date on 13 and they kill off Kutner. That means, the "reward" for staying a loyal viewer is more Taub. Fuck!

Known Unknowns (6.7)
My least favorite episode of the series. I won't even rewatch this one to remember every little thing I hated about this. I just know that this is the episode that got me calling the show "House 90210". Somehow, it all became about Huddy and "will they/won't they". Such a disappointment. This was the second closest I ever got to quitting the series.

After Hours (7.22)
House does surgery on himself in his apartment. Season 1 House wouldn't do that. The fact that season 7 House would means that the direction of the show is deconstructing a great character, not growing him. Fucking ridiculous.

Moving On (7.23)
And then, a week later, House drives A GOD-DAMN A CAR INTO A GOD-DAMN HOUSE AND FLEES TO -WHAT- MEXICO OR SOMETHING?!?!?!? I swore I was done with it. Somehow, the promise of being the last season and the addition of one really hot new doctor and one new doctor who I liked from other things got me to stick around.

You may notice that I'm not including any episodes from the 8th seasons. Mostly, this is because they all kind of go together as an amoebous blob in my mind. On a philosophical level though, I see season 8 like the Roseanne season when they win the lottery, or when Coach took over a pro sports team, or that least season of Scrubs that was a different series entirely. The series as a whole is better without it.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Movie Reaction: Dark Shadows

Formula: 1 Part Death Becomes Her, A dash of Stardust, and stir vigorously in a pot of Tim Burton.

Cast: Being a Tim Burton film, you come to know who to expect and what to expect of them. The mileage may vary depending on your preference of that style. I will say, this is the straightest Depp has been for Burton in quite some time. He reacted to the odd things happening rather than creating them. Eva Green and Michelle Pfeiffer did well. Chloe Mortez may be edging Emma Stone out as my most reliable casting indicator for a movie. Maybe it's just me, but I kept getting distracted by Bella Heathcote reminding me of a younger Jayma Mays.

Plot: I liked it. Since I don't know much about the source material (ok, I know nothing about it), I am assuming a number of things the plot does that unsettled me is to evoke the feel of the original show. There's one point when some half a dozen reveals happen all at the same time that I can only assume was purposely done as an homage to the soap opera aspect of the source. One thing I should note: the movie they are selling in the trailers is a much funnier movie than the finished product. That isn't a complaint, although I think it's important to know that going in. It's Tim Burton though, so if you remember that much, you'll go into this with the right mindset. He isn't trying anything new here.

Elephant in the Room: Why was my theater so damn crowded? Ok, I know that's not an "elephant", but I couldn't think of one and that was way too crowded for a 12:50 showing on a Sunday. I know it's Mother's Day. Could that be why? Do people associate mothers with Tim Burton? Was it because I went to the hipster theater in town? Does this movie attract their misguided understanding of irony, motif, campiness, or any other word they don't realize they're using incorrectly? All I can say is that this better not happen again. I don't go to these early showing to be around people. Don't I see enough of them already.

To Sum Things Up:
Good movie, but for more of a niche crowd than the previews suggest. My favorite Tim Burton movie since Big Fish, probably, and my favorite Burton/Depp collaboration in a longer time than that, although that's not a bar that's been set very high. Also, message to everyone out there, I don't want to see you at the 1:20 showing of Battleship next week unless you are with me.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Friday, May 11, 2012

Using a Friend's Cell Phone

I always enjoy it when one person tries using another person’s cell phone. I have never seen someone try to open it, slide it, or activate the touch screen without a few seconds of panic followed by a “what the hell” or “show me how this damn thing works.”
I don’t know how, but there are more types of cell phones than there are people. You would think they are all intuitive, but they aren’t. Some people have buttons, some icons. One makes a call. Another turns it off. A third is only used as a shortcut for a something you find when you go into Settings > General > Alarm > Set. It is the AM/PM button or something. Other phones treat unlocking the touch screen like it’s a sobriety test. I’ve seen the same setup of buttons on phones with completely different interfaces.
The worst part is, whoever’s phone that is, sees you having trouble with it, rolls their eyes, takes it, somehow opens it a completely different way than you thought to, showing you how simple it is to use like you are some sort of infant. And, don’t start thinking yourself all high and mighty, If the tables are turned, you will be equally as big a douche.
...or maybe I just suck with phones.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Best MPAA Ratings of 2004

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2004.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 551 movies in 2004. I'm not checking all of them. I'm sure I missed some. Feel free to let me know (because I know this is inspiring so many of you to start hunting for them^).

Shrek 2 - Rated PG for some crude humor, a brief substance reference and some suggestive content

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - Rated PG for frightening moments, creature violence and mild language

The Day After Tomorrow - Rated PG-13 for intense situations of peril

I, Robot - Rated PG-13 for intense stylized action, and some brief partial nudity

Van Helsing - Rated PG-13 for nonstop creature action violence and frightening images, and for sensuality

Mean Girls - Rated PG-13 for sexual content, language and some teen partying

Miracle - Rated PG for language and some rough sports action

Friday Night Lights - Rated PG-13 for thematic issues, sexual content, language, some teen drinking and rough sports action

Home on the Range - Rated PG for brief mild rude humor

Fat Albert - Rated PG for momentary language

Raising Helen - Rated PG-13 for thematic issues involving teens

Team America: World Police - Rated R for graphic crude and sexual humor, violent images and strong language - all involving puppets

Jersey Girl - Rated PG-13 on appeal for language and sexual content including frank dialogue

Past Years:
Best of 2011
Best of 2010
Best of 2009
Best of 2008
Best of 2007
Best of 2006
Best of 2005

Sunday, May 6, 2012

More Ranting About Puzzles

To prove my point about puzzles, I'm going to waste another post in order to rant about them because the last one of these got me thinking some more.

(Here's part one in case you missed it)

Perhaps my ultimate awful scenario is putting a puzzle together with someone who does it all the time. Like cupstacking or Monopoly, puzzle-assembling does not have a professional league*, so there is no reason to have someone pretending like he is an expert. I'm sorry, but "look for edge pieces" and "look for all the dark pieces" is not the sage advice think it is. Besides, I'm pretty sure a real pro would find the edge pieces last because it's harder that way**.

* I'm certain it does, but I mean one that doesn't make people sad to watch or couldn't be won by a 12-year old.
**The sad thing is, I'm equally certain there are puzzle purists out there who say that.

Then, of course, there's that horrible feeling when the puzzle is almost done and you realize a piece is missing. It's never a fringe piece of to the side either. It's always Gandalf's face or part of the deer drinking from the pond, and there's that deflating feeling. It's like Chess ending right before you take the king, except in puzzles, it's not a victory.

If I get the chance, I like to hide one piece and enjoy the manhunt that follows. Maybe it's the fear of having wasted several hours or simply a desire to see things through to completion, but an unfinished puzzle will turn a house upside down. It starts with, simply, "check under/in the box", quickly moving to "everyone stand up and check under your chair", then it's not long before someone's suggesting shit like, "Check the bathroom. Maybe it fell off the table, got stuck to someone's shoe, flew off the shoe when you were practicing your kick-boxing in there, and landed on the soap dish."

I never understood why puzzle companies don't fuck with people by adding a couple pieces that don't fit to anything. Someone finishes the puzzle with 13 extra pieces, a few of those pieces even fit together, so she stares down the finished product looking for something she missed. I would enjoy that greatly.

...
...
...

Ok, I think that exhausts my thoughts on puzzles. No. That's not true. Two closing thoughts.

1) Fuck 3-D puzzles. There's no such thing as extreme puzzling. It's just a more elaborate wasted afternoon.

2) It bothers me the puzzle building doesn't translate into a love of putting together furniture, because I have a desk still in the box that I really don't want to put together.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Movie Reaction: The Avengers

Formula: (this is almost too easy, but ok)
Iron Man + The Incredible Hulk + Iron Man 2 + Thor + Captain America: The First Avenger

Oops. Wrong one. Too late now.

Cast: I'm about to use the next few hundred words to say "this was really good", but to fill space, I'll pretend that anything I'm about to say is new to anyone.
So, the cast is pretty great. In the same way that it's hard to believe those characters would agree to work together, it's impressive how big the cast is of familiar faces without any feeling neglected. All the heroes handle the action sequences as well as they do the lighter-hearted stuff, as should be expected in a Whedon production. A quick summary: Downey Jr.was enjoyably smug. Evans was vintage heroic. Hemsworth was powerful and without irony. Ruffalo was sedated but menacing. Johansson really felt like more than just eye candy. Renner, well, he was good but more secondary. Jackson was badass. And, Hiddleston took a pretty broad role and maximized the effectiveness of it.

Plot: It fit a lot of story into a normal-sized action movie. That alone is impressive. No characters felt unintentionally neglected and the pacing was great. I'm normally pretty harsh on the Marvel movies in particular because they are grounded in such a weird reality, but this one didn't bother me as much. I haven't the time to examine why that is and I don't care to since the story is good enough no to.

The Journey: A little commentary here. Is anyone else floored by the way this came together? Disney/Marvel has been putting this together for over half a decade and invested so many hundreds of millions or dollars in to a Titanic-sized gamble. The Avengers are made up of B-superheroes. The cast is a bunch of actors bankable* only because of the efforts of the studio. Any one of these movies bombing could've tanked the movie or turned it into an Iron Man and Friends clusterfuck. This doesn't happen very often. It's basically, James Cameron projects, Lord of the Rings, and this movie. That's pretty cool.

* Bankable does not mean famous. Everyone knew Robert Downey Jr. but no one trusted a franchise to him until Iron Man.

Elephant in the Room: No, I didn't see it in 3-D and I couldn't be more proud of that.
Giraffe in the Room: I'm still looking forward to The Dark Knight Rises more. It's a matter of preference though.

To Sum Things Up:
This is why they show movies in theaters. It is big. It is loud. It creates a big world and doesn't get overwhelmed by it. I could nit-pick at some things, I guess, but this is such a treat that it would be petty to spoil things. This is a blockbuster in the best sense of the word.

Verdict (?): Strongly Recommend

Friday, May 4, 2012

Ranting about Puzzles

In the long list of things that I hate, in the subset of things that I hate far more than they are worth, tucked into the corner with all the things I've thought a little too long about is where you will find my thoughts on puzzles.

They are awful. Pictures with effort. And, once you finish putting one together, you can't do anything with it. It just sits there. I remember not being able to use my dinner table for nearly a month because a god damn puzzle was in the way*. I don't get why they get that special treatment. People always try to keep them together like they are going to break the world record for wasted table space.

*Granted, I normally eat in front of the TV because I'm an addict, but that table should always be an option. It ain't right.

At least other activities get a Jenga-like explosion or something. The way that every puzzle ends up getting taken apart is when someone gets the half-baked scheme to try and move it. To where? No one fucking knows. And, the transitional flat surface you try to move it with (normally a couple loose leaf pages taped together that you somehow think will be sufficient) is always approximately 5% smaller that you need it to be, so you scrap the whole project and put the puzzle in the game corner pretending that you will ever revisit it again.

Puzzles take my least favorite element of numerous things and put them together into one awful activity. I like looking at pictures as much as the next guy (or perhaps a little less. Don't judge), but if I have to spend 5 hours putting together a 1000 piece picture**, I'm going to fucking hate it. I can't even watch a movie for that long. How is a single frame supposed to keep me excited? Also, I already know what the thing's supposed to look like. It's on the cover of the box. Couldn't I just blow up a picture of that, print it out, place it on my table, admire it for, I don't know, 10 seconds, then move on to something productive with my day***.

**I I have no idea how long puzzles take. That's kind of the point of this.

***Comparatively, everything is more productive.

That brings me to my next point. Puzzles are pretty much the definition of wasted time. You spend all that time on it, and when you're done, you can't do fucking anything with it. What? Are you going to frame it? Not that would be crazy and the picture would suck. The only time tiny pieces come together for something people actually want to look at is a church window, and even those are only cool at sunrise or sunset.

Is anyone ever impressed that you put together a puzzle? No. After you turn three, even your parents stop acting impressed when you put together that Winnie the Pooh puzzle. The most you will ever hear from anyone about it is a disinterested "You must've spent a lot of time on this".