Movie Reaction: The Five-Year Engagement

Formula: Like/Crazy + Comedy

Cast: Who are we kidding? The cast is why I saw this one. Jason Segel is great in this, but, unlike Forgetting Sarah Marshall or I Love You Man, this didn't always feel like he was in his element. Emily Blunt hasn't been able to do a good comedy since The Devil Wears Prada and this reminds you how much of a shame that is. Alison Brie and Chris Pratt are great, if not underused, and I would love to see a movie like this starring them one day (not as these characters. I just think they could move into starring roles with ease). The rest of the cast is a bunch of "oh, that guy" actors and actresses who all play their parts well.

Plot: It is eerie how similar this movie is to Like/Crazy, which hurt it a little for me. The girl is British. The story spans years. The ups and downs of the story even hit similar beats. This is a comedy though, a traditional one too, so it had some trouble mining it for the comedy. As a result, the move is well over 2 hours. Instead of meshing the comedy with the plot, the two felt distinct from one another, which why it is so long. Personally, I think the movie would've worked better if it was less concerned with the journey over the five years and let us deal with the fifth year for the majority of the time.
I didn't get surprised by anything in the movie, although that's not a bad thing. The movie isn't trying to reinvent the wheel here. It just feels like a drop off from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.


Elephant in the Room: Is this a comedy or a romantic comedy? Other Apatow relationship movies, such as Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Knocked Up, are clearly comedies first. This one isn't. And, it's a traditional RomCom, which I prefer. This movie could easily have gone the direction of The Break Up, but it understood that that would be a mistake. There is a nice, cheesy happy ending and it works best that way. Just know that.

To Sum Things Up:
This is a great date movie, I would guess. I won't be rushing to see it again on DVD or anything, but it was worth my ticket.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Shoe Size

[A short blurb this week. Didn't have time for a new one and my prewritten list is waning]

I don't understand why people make such a big deal about me not knowing what my show size is. First of all, when I go to the bowling alley and have to check my shoe, you would think I just shot a baby or something ("How do you not know your show size!?"). Secondly, what's the point remembering that when you have it on you at all times? I only buy shoes every few months (at most), so why does this need to stay at the forefront of my mind?

The problem is, I did have one time where the size faded off the shoe so I had to guess and I went a little big. I liked the extra space though. It was like a luxury sized shoe.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2006

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2006.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 608 movies in 2006. I'm not checking all of them. I'm sure I missed some. Feel free to let me know (because I know this is inspiring so many of you to start hunting for them^).

Happy Feet - Rated PG for some mild peril and rude humor

Nacho Libre - Rated PG for some rough action, and crude humor including dialogue

Poseiden - Rated PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of disaster and peril

Date Movie - Rated PG-13 for continuous crude and sexual humor, including language

Glory Road - Rated PG for racial issues including violence and epithets, and momentary language

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties - Rated PG for some off-color elements

Clerks 2 - Rated R for pervasive sexual and crude content including aberrant sexuality, strong language and some drug material

Past Years:
Best of 2011
Best of 2010
Best of 2009
Best of 2008
Best of 2007

Oh, so apparently this is my hundredth post. That is either a success, showing my commitment or merely a showcase of my verbal diarrhea. Either way, hooray, I think.

Movie Reaction: Bully

Formula: ABC Family original movie - The stuff you make fun of in an ABC Family original movie.

Victoria Justice approves. Do you?

Cast: Can you really call it a cast? The kids and parents they chose to follow were a good mix. Young kids, older kids. Parent, children, administrators. Kids who fought back, kids in the thick of it, kids that gave up There is a fine and effective variety.

Story: Since it's not really a "plot", story will do. This had a very good balance.There were definitely a lot of tough moments. Some of the things the people deal with are heavy, but Bully never gets bogged down in them. It doesn't milk things for effect and it doesn't artificially create any villains, more or less settling on apathy as the biggest problem.

Footage: The thing that most impressed me with this documentary is the footage they got. I don't know if the film crew were so ubiquitous that people forgot about them, but some of the stuff they got with the main kid, Alex, including the waivers they had to get from parents, was strikingly candid. Nothing felt staged which is the biggest risk for a documentary. They guy did play with the focus a little much, but nitpicking.

Elephant in the Room: Is it really that important to see this? There are some people for which this will be an eye opener, sure. I'm not convinced that kids will pick up on the nuance of some of what it has to say, so I think the importance for kids to see it will be overstated by a lot of people. That said, it is the most honest depiction of bullying and the difficulties faced stopping it. It will have far more of an effect on victims of bullying to show they aren't alone than it will on the bullys themselves

To Sum Things Up:
No need to see it in theaters. At least, nothing that I see that is added to by the theater experience. Anyone that is worries it will be too much for a child to watch though needs to loosen up. Nothing here that a kid can't handle. The ratings controversy over this is bullshit and another reason why the MPAA is awful.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

My Issues with Motion Sensors

I hate when motion sensors don't pick up on me. It's so dehumanizing. What gives them the right? Fucking technology. I can deal with people not noticing me. That could be a prank, but machines?

It's especially bad when the person before you has no issue as the sink, but it takes 10-15 seconds for it to notice me. I always have that brief moment of fear that I'm a ghost. Even worse, I could be a ghost and have a backwards sixth sense thing going on. Maybe I died four years ago when I was choking on that ice cube. Were my last words really "Heroes keeps getting better and better. I can't wait to see what they come up with after the writers guild strike is over."

But then, I have a brief moment of joy where I consider that I don't have to come to work if I'm dead. I can eat pizza everyday and stare at all the cleavage I want without worry. But then, the motion sensor picks up on me. I can clean my hands and go back to my same exact daily grind.

And then there's playing a game of chicken with the automatic doors at a store. Happens most often at liquor stores for me. I keep on walking at my normal pace, convinced the door will open, but the old, delayed sensor always wins. And it's for the best when you think about it. Because, to win the game of chicken, you have to run into that door. And, I am reasonably sure they won't let me get booze if I'm running into the door going in.

Who am I kidding? Of course they will.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2007

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2007.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 631 movies in 2007. I'm not checking all of them. I'm sure I missed some. Feel free to let me know (because I know this is inspiring so many of you to start hunting for them^).

Shrek the Third - Rated PG for some crude humor, suggestive content and swashbuckling action*

The Simpsons Movie - Rated PG-13 for irreverent humor throughout

Live Free or Die Hard - Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, language and a brief sexual situation

Enchanted - Rated PG for some scary images and mild innuendo

Bee Movie - Rated PG for mild suggestive humor, and a brief depiction of smoking

Superbad - Rated R for pervasive crude and sexual content, strong language, drinking, some drug use and a fantasy/comic violent image - all involving teens**

Hairspray - Rated PG for language, some suggestive content and momentary teen smoking

Stardust - Rated PG-13 for some fantasy violence and risque humor

Hostel: Part II - Rated R for sadistic scenes of torture and bloody violence, terror, nudity, sexual content, language and some drug content

Dragon Wars - Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and creature action

* Oddly, no Pirates movie ever got this rating.
** This may be my all time favorite rating.

Past Years:
Best of 2011

Best of 2010
Best of 2009
Best of 2008

Movie Reaction: The Cabin in the Woods

(I need to begin by mentioning that since you don't need depth for a reaction, I will be saying nothing here that you couldn't learn from a TV spot or a glance at the IMDB page.)

Formula: Evil Dead + self-awareness

Cast: Everyone here plays their part pretty perfectly. Truth be told, I haven't seen anything most of the cast has been in before, so I can't compare their performance to anything else they've done. Honestly, think of the cast of the Evil Dead without the campiness...unintended campiness, perhaps.

Plot: I'm not even going to attempt this. It balances genres with typical Whedon precision. If there was any justice in the world, the screenplay would be nominated for some awards, and this is coming from someone who is not a Joss Whedon fanboys.

Elephant in the Room: If anything in the movie is spoiled for you, is it still worth seeing? Simply put, yes. This isn't "The Sixth Sense". It is not about the twist, or twists, or odd developmental directions. Personally, I think there's enough nuance to it that it's not really possible to ruin it in a few sentences.

To Sum Things Up:
See it. This has been the best movie I've seen since the awards season ended and it's more accessible than it looks.

Verdict (?): Strongly Recommend

Ranting about Being on the Elevator

Since selling my soul and going Corporate (still nobler than being destitute). I've gotten a glimpse into a fascinating world: Elevators. Before starting my job, my experience with the elevator was a novelty: at a hotel on vacation or maybe when I had a class in that tall building on campus or maybe a service elevator if I wanted to mooch off a handicapped friend. But, after having daily interaction in this world, I've made some observations.

First, I love the personality types. Sure, most people are like me: quiet, polite, and giving a half-hearted smile if you accidentally make eye contact. Some people take that too far though. You've seen that guy who looks like he wants to kill everyone on the elevator*. I imagine he was alone on the elevator when he got on. He just wants to go home and play Call of Duty (I work in an IT building), then 3 floors from the bottom, a bunch of chatterboxes get on too lazy to go down the fucking stairs...Ok, some days I'm that guy.

At the other end of the spectrum is that person who seems determined to make a friend by the time she gets off the elevator. I hate that woman. I don't do small talk with my friends, what makes you think I want to talk about "traffic today" with you. "Oh, she doesn't know any better" you say. That's right. She doesn't know, so don't talk to me like she does. At the very least save it for someone on your floor if they are on there.

Another person I love (and by love, I mean hate) is the floor general. You know the guy. While everyone else goes to the back to let people in, he jettisons to the button board and starts taking requests like a fucking DJ. The trick is, the first time I have to repeat myself to have the floor chosen he should lose that job. It's bad enough traffic sucked getting there, I'm running late, and this friendly lady from my floor keeps talking to me about the wreck she heard about on the traffic report. I don't want to miss my floor because some guy in middle management with control issues won't let anyone else get the thrill of seeing the button light up when they press it. Besides, that thing's going to the top floor. I don't know what's on the top floor. It's like the end of the subway or stopping on the 13th floor. I am not ready to see that.

You want to fuck with people on the elevator? When someone gets off, don't reshift where you are standing. Watch as everyone else tries to rebalance where they are standing. The best part is, they are trying to beat the clock because the second those doors close it is like playing freeze tag. But really, don't do that. I can't stand an unbalanced elevator and I hate standing near people enough already.

Here's the thing. I'm only on the elevator for maybe a minute at most, but it is either the last minute before I have to go and work for the day or the first minute I have not working. Both of these count as "me time", so save your "clever" quip, let me listen to my iPod in peace, and for fuck's sake, don't get in the elevator to go down one floor.

TV Show Reaction: Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23

Ok. This is me admitting that this blog that started off with lofty expectations (seriously, you don't call something Eclectic Boredom without a certain amount of pretentiousness) is really just "What did Alex watch this week". I average about 5 hits a day. That mean Mike* and 4 Russians, so what the fuck do I care.

* Thanks Mike.

I just watch the premiere of "The Bitch in Apt. 23" tonight. By the way, that show is just "The Bitch" from now on because that title is more demanding than HIMYM**. The only thing I can say without question is that the pilot tried too hard. Beyond that, we will see how it evolves over time. Then again, it premiered in April, so fuck it.

** If you don't know what that is, you must be one of my Russians.***

*** It turns out, they have How I Met Your Mother there too, so even the Russians don't have an excuse.

Cast: I like Krysten Ritter. I'm not sure why. I also enjoy a celebrity making fun of himself (You can thank NPH is Harold and Kumar for that). So, James Van Der Beek is a win as a character in my book. I even like the crazy neighbor. No, not the masturbating one. The one from Crazy, Stupid Love (Liza Lapira, I had to look it up). For sheer cast potential and replacement for Happy Endings timeslot, I'm probably in for the season with this one.

Plot: God I hope the plots are more polished after this one. I really believe this pilot was shopped around to a cable channel before landing with ABC. It so badly wants to be raunchy, but the fact that even the title is scared to ruffle any feathers makes me worried about the precarious balance of the entire series between inappropriate and network TV ready.
I'll put it this way. The pilot played like the better rated show in an hour comedy block with Whitney. Take that as you will.

Soundtrack: Some shows forgo the soundtrack (Parks and Rec, The Office). Others use it in Lieu of a laugh track (30 Rock). Others use it so often that it feels like it's trying to force you to laugh (The Bitch). Maybe I'm the only one who feels that way about the pilot, but I have to say, I'm hoping that the sound track cools it in future episodes.

Will I Watch it Again:
Yeah. The DVR is already set. This show gives me every indication that I will be tired of it by season 2. There was enough that worked for me to keep watching.

Oh yeah, Elephant in the Room:
Why is this show premiering in April. Shouldn't that be a good indicator that this is a burn off show? Historically, yes, but if this leads to a push for more shorter run network TV seasons, I might be for it. As for this specifically, I think this says more about how certain ABC was that other shows would be cancelled by now.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2008

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2008.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 608 movies in 2008. I'm not checking all of them. I probably checked more ratings this year than any other year. It's a sort of lame duck year.

The Dark Knight - Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and some menace

The Spiderwick Chronicles - Rated PG for scary creature action and violence, peril and some thematic elements

Saw V - Rated R for sequences of grisly bloody violence and torture, language and brief nudity

Drillbit Taylor - Rated PG-13 for crude sexual references throughout, strong bullying, language, drug references and partial nudity

Definitely, Maybe - Rated PG-13 for sexual content, including some frank dialogue, language and smoking

The Spirit - Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of stylized violence and action, some sexual content and brief nudity



Past Years:
Best of 2011

Best of 2010
Best of 2009

Pentacost Rant: The Ascension

Looks like I'm not finished after all.

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

Ascension

How is the ascension not a bigger deal than it is? For Catholics, Pentacost is like the victory lap. By the time we finish it, we've cooled down and don't really care anymore. Seriously, it's great Jesus came back on Easter and all, but they used to set up bells in graves. A guy turning out to not be dead after a couple days shouldn't've turned more heads than a guy transporting to Heaven* to be with God, his Dad. I never got the impression this was a private affair either. Not like he apparated in his sleep or something. People watched him go.

* Which was a new concept then, like really nice condos opening down the street

Maybe the response to the Ascension is like a spurned lover thing. Jesus left for Heaven, said he'd send you post cards, and told you he'd be right back for you. Instead, you find yourself left behind. Sure, his cousin, the Holy Spirit, comes and warms your heart, but it's not the same. Check the church once, sometime twice a week. You send him prayers all the time. You even go through old books in the bible trying to figure out what you did wrong. You vow to change yourself for him. Maybe if you make yourself what he wants you to be you'll be together again.

I don't know. Seems like a weak metaphor. Oh well, you know what they say about Pentacost: Only six months till Christmas.

Lent Rant: Easter Sunday

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

Easter Sunday

And this whole 40 day affair is capped off with the grand spectacle that is Easter Sunday. Try and contain yourself.

What is there to say about Easter that hasn't already been said? Not much, because those non-Catholics celebrate this too. Collectively, I think we can all come to look at Easter and say "meh". I don't know if the early church was afraid to attach Easter to getting gifts (we already got the greatest gift of all, right?) or if they couldn't find a Saint around this time to be associated with that day*,  but Easter, in a secular sense, is lame.

* Trick question: there are more Saints than Catholics know what to do with. Not only is there never a boring day, there's ALWAYS a feast day.

You can even tell they tried to come up with celebrations for kids at the last second. It's the only explanation for bunnies, eggs, candy, and scavenger hunt all coming together. All of this while the child is in his/her nicest clothes. Christmas, you're in pajamas, and there's not even chocolate involved.

As for the religious end of the celebrating, there could be a better effort as well. I get the symbolic importance, I guess, of Jesus being resurrected, or as I like to call it, since he's god, "waking up".

Admittedly, first person shooters have ruined my perception of the Easter miracle. He respawned. If anything, I'm more impressed with him raising Lazarus** because that's reviving an ally which is useful since the lepers have him outnumbered. But this is Christianity, not Resident Evil.

** By the way, worst store name ever. It's like saying "coming back from bankruptcy".

The problem is, Fundamentalist or Contextualist, you must admit the story needs some peppering.

First, up the stakes (possible pun intended). Noah had a flood. Moses had slavery. Jerusalem in Jesus's time was more similar to England's control of Hong Kong before China took it back. Sure, they didn't like Roman rule, but Caesar was pretty Laize-Faire over there. Jerusalem was like the colonists in the US getting angry over Tea taxes, and those guys played it up better. Boston Massacre. Shots heard around the world. Those get you going. Couldn't the Apostles at least have to be busted out of jail or something? I start to think the only sin Jesus had to forgive us for was, in fact, killing him.

Secondly, what is the point in having Jesus' tomb found empty? Trust me. No one is reading the bible to build suspense. How about everyone gathers at the tomb and BOOM - stone door bursts into a million pieces, all the pebbles turn into white doves that start flying all over the place, and out Jesus walks to start Pentecost. As a kid, I would be stoked to go to mass on Easter for no other reason than possibly seeing a reenactment before the homily which would be given like a victorious battle cry. G-O-D! G-O-D! G-O-D!

Instead, I'm stuck at mass for two hours thinking the whole time how much I hate the "on the third day" phrasing. I did the math. Dies a little before sunset Friday, Back on his feet Sunday morning by sunrise. That's a day and a half. On the second day. I get it. Fri, Sat, Sun. He was dead technically on 3 different days, but if someone goes and tells you "You are going to go to sleep Friday afternoon and wake up Sunday morning" you are going to respond with "I'm going to be asleep for two days" or maybe "I'm going to be asleep for a day and a half." Sadly, at this point too many song lyrics and prayers would have to be changed, but I just want to hear the church own up to it. That's all.

Finale
So that's Lent. How does it all make sense exactly? I don't know. I'm not meant to. Being Catholic is like going to a strict prep school before going to college***. I may not use half of what I learned there or need to follow the same rules, but I have proven that I will cater to whatever authority I meet. I'll take that over "home schooled" protestants or reformers any day of the week, except Friday, of course.

***Wait, I did that too.

...Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?

Movie Reaction: American Reunion

Formula: Grown-Ups -10 years + Nudity

Cast: You know them all. They were good in 1999. A group of up and comers who looked ready to take Hollywood by storm. Well, that didn't pan out, exactly. Now, they're back doing the shtick that made them famous, only older. I've always liked Jason Biggs and I think he could be a great sit-com star, like Alyson Hannigan. Sean Williams Scott is normally too much. No exception here. Someone dusted off Tara Reid. Not sure if that was necessary. Most of the new faces are there are T&A. I always love seeing Katrina Bowden though, especially like this.

Plot: Remember the first couple movies? Yeah, it's more of the same. That's either good or bad, depending on your taste. I had a lot of fun with all the lines they through into a narrative to make this movie fit, explaining the the reunion was actually a 13 year one and why different characters were missing in different movies. The comedy landscape has changed tremendously even since American Wedding came out, yet this still relies on the same gross-out, absurd jokes from the originals, which aren't bad, only dated. It's interesting that the theme of the movie is essentially "we're getting too old for this", but they keep doing it. They are trying to have their cake and eat it too, so to speak.

Soundtrack: Heavy with 90s nostalgia. This makes the point very early on that they are looking to bring back as many old fans without trying to get new ones. My take on the whole movie was that it is meant as the final chapter, not a new beginning, so I guess it's hard to fault them on that.

Elephant in the Room: Did anyone need this movie to be made? No. The whole time I watched this, I was reminded of "Old Dogs", "Couple's Retreat", and "Grown-Ups". These are all movies where the cast wants to pretend they aren't too old. "American Reunion" is not as bad as any of those. The cast is still pretty young. The type of comedy the movie does is a younger man's game. This cast, with a different style of humor, could come together very well. As it, though, it feels uneven all the way through.

To sum things up:
Netflix Instant Stream worthy, especially if you really like the franchise (excluding direct to DVD entries). You can see it in theaters, but good luck finding a theater full of people who will find the movie as funny as the producers wanted it to be.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Lent Rant: ...Saturday

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday


...Saturday

Following Good Friday which, itself is after Holy Thursday, is the day before Easter Sunday, known as... Saturday. I don't know why it doesn't get a name. I've heard some people try putting "good" or "holy" before it, but I don't think any of that's official.

I suppose it's for the best because the day could only be described as awkward. All this stuff before and after but no rollover into Saturday. I tell you, it's like for one day a year, Catholics get a taste of the Jewish Sabbath, not being able to do anything all day. I spend the entire day feeling bad if I do anything. "I should go get something to eat. Oh wait. I really shouldn't. The Lord is dead." It puts a damper on everything, which would be fine on a Monday or something, but it's such a waste for a Saturday.

For some sad souls, it doesn't matter. They are losing their Saturday night anyway by going to Easter Vigil: a mass so long that you could actually read the bible front to back with time to spare. I know this because I went once*. It started on "The First day" and got all the way to "he rises again" and I didn't see them skip a page. I'm not going to say is was boring, but it helped me understand why Catholics are driven to drinking.

* And only once!!!

The one plus side <Loophole Alert!> is that Easter comes early after that. People are free to end Lent then and there (not worth it). I'm sure this isn't official Church doctrine, but more a decision by the masses. **

** You may ask, why is there an Easter mass on Saturday? Quit asking questions. Especially stupid ones that you know there's not an answer to. I thought I warned you against doing that.

Lent Rant: Good Friday

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

Good Friday

It's called Good Friday, but can't we be honest and call it what it is: Depressed Friday. All day long is a bummer. Just people going on about "Jesus is dead", "they killed our Lord" (already missing the point by assigning blame "We killed our Lord"). Barabas is free to murder people. A bunch of teenage boys are roaming the streets without their guardian*. These are scary times. It's the one time we don't need Catholic guilt to make us feel bad.

*The Apostles and Jesus, if you didn't figure that one out.
 
They even ruin getting to go outside for class as kids by walking us through the Stations of the Cross. This is an obvious scare tactic and they were obviously short on material. Even as a 10 year old I thought 3 falls was less than subtle story filler. Jesus sees the women. Come on! How is that a stage? They just wanted to get it up to 12 stations**, or however many there are.

**I think it's 12. I never paid attention and a Google search is a whole tab away, so fuck research.

I was personally never a fan of Good Friday because I always had the desire to say "spoiler alert!" when they told the story.

Catholics would be better served to force introspection that day. Use that guilt to our advantage. "Why did you kill Jesus?" Give 'em a reason for Confession. Instead we get the odd collection of traditions that we have, like getting in line to touch a cross or some shit like that.

The whole day is a wash anyway because after over a month everyone is too busy thinking "only two days away from that Godiva chocolate I have waiting for me at home", or possibly wondering how late Moby Dick is open that night, since this is the second night in a row you had a 6'oclock service to get to so there's not a chance to have dinner first.

Lent Rant: Holy Thursday

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

Holy Thursday

There is one part of Lent where Catholics really dropped the ball. And that would be Holy Thursday. Oh yeah, Protestants, Reform-Christians, crazy guys on the street claiming to be Jesus, you are getting some blame on this too, because it's such a golden, obvious opportunity that when you broke off like pissants because "our rules didn't make sense" or "every one of your leaders were corrupt", you had a chance to right Catholicisms wrongs. Instead they all opted to celebrate about 1/50th of the things Catholics do (and they call that an improvement?), but that's all a rant for another day.

Back to the point, Holy Thursday should be some much more badass and awesome. The Passover Seder has us beat. We shouldn't've allowed that. We should've made Holy Thursday an actual feast day*.

*I still think putting Thanksgiving on a Thursday was a too-late attempt to make up for this.

We should've let ourselves eat meat that Thursday. We celebrate the Eucharist - the metaphor that made us what we are - for fuck's sake. Yes, food is at the core of Catholicism. Instead of the long drawn out service (not mass) that's more somber than celebratory, we should have a grand meal with friends and family. Educate the young while scarfing down double bacon burgers with five cheeses and washing it down with milk. We are celebrating the break from the Kosher confines of Judaism after all. And what if Mark/Matthew/Luke/John would've included a speech about the rib of man or something? Then we'd get to eat ribs on Holy Thursday. Mass would be so much tastier. Oh how wonderful it could be.

Instead we get some weird foot washing ceremony and have to listen to the priest talk about a Jesus eating meal for two hours while I'm starving because I had to skip dinner to make it to the service on time.

Seriously Catholics, way to drop the ball!

Lent Rant: Palm Sunday

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

Palm Sunday

Some of Lent's pretty fun, comparatively. Palm Sunday, for example. It's nice being able to hold a bunch of palms outside for a while. It helps distract me more than normal during mass. You also grow a weird bond with your palm by the end of it. I always hated giving  mine up.

Catholics don't bother questioning why we celebrate people holding up palms for a few Jews coming into Jerusalem. There's no more reason to do that than there would be to run into a Target knocking stuff over in commemoration of Jesus doing that in the temple.

I know that sounds crazy now, but what if that was instead the tradition that caught hold? We'd all gather in the Church parking lot, breaking dishes and stuff, maybe with a picture of Tiberius (Julius wasn't Jesus' Caesar) hanging up somewhere, the whole time yelling about "This is not allowed in God's house." It's a little more involved, certainly more fun, and does a much better job of teaching Jesus' anti-authoritarian (ironic when you look at it now) message.

No one bothers asking about the palms. Why did they choose those to wave Jesus into town with those? Who knows, it may have been a hot day and people wanted some shade while waiting for Jesus. I don't know. Then again, for Catholics, "just because" is a good enough reason.

Lent Rant: No Meat

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

No Meat
Since Catholics are a community however, we need to suffer arbitrary rules together as well as separately. That's why we have the ultimate, decided by committee (See Side Rant) no-no: No meat on Friday only*, but seafood is allowed. Other religions/denominations fast, literally can't eat more than a meal a day** for several days in a row.

* This rule also applies to any day with a noun or adjective before it (See Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, etc.)
** Hint: if you don't stop eating, it stays one meal. Pace yourself)

Catholics? On nonconsecutive days you have to substitute a hamburger for tuna. People on diets have stricter dietary restrictions than what Catholics have to do as part of a deal for eternal salvation. And, oh yeah, if we mess up, there's always Confession to wipe the slate clean. Suck it Luther! Catholics get into heaven  with indulgences paid in salmon.

I'm not saying any of this make sense either, of course. I've asked. Even priests say it's a test. That is all most of Catholicism is: a test to see what people will put up with.



Side rant: I say "decided by committee", because how else does that come about? I imagine it went something like this.
Holy Man 1: "So, we have Lent. In order to honor this period, we shall eat no meat and fast every day."
Holy Man 2: "That's a bit much, don't you think. I get kind of tired of bread after a few days of it."
HM1: "Hmm, you're right. I already said no meat, so how about we do it at least once a week?"
HM2: "I think I can get behind that"
HM1: "Good. Then absolutely no living creature shall be eaten on, let's say, Friday."
HM2: "Eeeeh."
HM1: "Yes?"
HM2: "According to this book, God made fish on the fifth day, so it would be sort of a slap in the face to not eat them then."
HM1: "And we don't want to insult God...fine. No meat, only on Fridays, but fish is allowed, because we respect God's work."
HM2: "It also says he created birds that day."
HM1: "Quit while you're ahead Brother Mark."

Lent Rant: Giving Shit Up

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

Giving Shit Up

After Ash Wednesday, not much happens for a few weeks. The only thing going on is trying not to forget what you gave up for Lent. You see, Catholics are progressive in a way, Socratic* even. Instead of saying to keep Kosher, or Fasting, or no Sex (unless you're gay. Then it's always a  no-no), or anything like that, we turn it on every Catholic to say, "What do you think you should do for God?"

*No, I don't know what Socratic means, but it makes me sound smart, and most people won't call me on it.

This practice is why I call Lent "New Year's Part 2". Because people, having failed to practice better living by eating better and not drinking when they said they would in January, are ready to give it another go. Especially since this time, there's a deadline. I would always be the douche who would give up Coke, candy, but then, mostly, religion, thus nullifying the first two.

Some people take it really seriously and give up a lot of stuff. Once again though, these are Catholics we are talking about, so the whole time they are abstaining, they are buying all sorts of foreign chocolates and cokes in glass bottles so they can go on that Easter celebratory binge. And don't even get me started on those people who pull that "Sunday doesn't count toward Lent" shit. I'll see you in Hell.

Movie Reaction: John Carter

Formula: (Star Wars + Gladiator + Wild Wild West + Lord of the Rings) / (100 Years of Science Fiction Evolution) - Any Sense of Irony

Cast: I like all the people in it, even if I didn't like them in this, specifically, but there is a very TV Mini-Series feel to it. The climactic battle is Tim Riggins vs. Detective Jimmy McNulty. Walter White is in it, as is Mark Antony, from Rome. In fact, the only people with real movie credits are voice actors. I think Tim Riggins has the making of a movie star, but he was being asked to be a less compelling Aragorn, without the needed supporting players.

Plot: I'm told the John Carter stories are the inspiration for just about all the Sci-Fi movies ever made, but the screen adaptation of this plays out like an amalgamation of all the movies it has inspired. The Mars colosseum scene looks exactly like the Geonosis one in Attack of the Clones. As something altogether new, it fails, but as standard Sci-Fi fun, it works well enough.

Production: So, this movie is a Water World sized bomb and there's been a ton of examination about why in articles like this one. I'm not into wasting more time talking about all the missteps making the film. In terms of the final product though, it certainly looked like they spent a shit ton on it but not to good effect. It's like it took the "you can dress it up all you want, but it's still a whore" principle to it's extreme. Several times, characters are in huge rooms with a ton of detail and CGI for only a few lines of dialogue. There's no reason this thing should've cost half the amount spent on it.

Elephant in the Room: This movie looks stupid as shit and Disney had to be insane to think this would be a franchise. I can't argue against this. The stakes, plot, and characters all seemed to fit better as a SyFy mini-series or something. Maybe foreign sales might cause this to break even in the end, but, like The Golden Compass, I don't see a way there will be a part 2.

To Sum Things Up
I was hesitant to see this, only breaking down because I wanted to see Wrath of the Titans less. This thing is mercifully almost out of theaters and probably for good reason. I didn't dislike it, but I can't recommend it to anyone, especially with the price of 3-D tickets.


One last thought: Ticket stub guy at the movie theater (you know who you are). Fuck you! for not giving me 3-D glasses. I was midway through the MIB 3 trailer before I realized I wasn't losing my eye sight, and that is why I walked up to your little booth a few minutes later and took my glasses without asking.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Lent Rant: Ash Wednesday

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension



Ash Wednesday
That next morning is the listed official start to Lent: Ash Wednesday. This is a day where we put ash on our head to break the monotony of a standard holy day of obligation mass. Why do we do this? It doesn't matter. We put it in the shape of a cross and that's all that matters  to us.

If you Protestants don't like it, then you don't like the cross, which means you hate Jesus. And you can't hate Jesus. He brought us Mardi Gras, so he's cool with me. The ashes don't matter to anyone but school children and old people anyway.

To the elderly, the ashes are nothing more than a cruel reminder that they can't be cremated or else they go to hell.

To children, it's a challenge. As a kid in a catholic school, as soon as that ash goes on your head, so begins "Operation Forehead Protection". All day long, nothing else matters other than seeing how long you can keep that smudge on there. It's the unspoken desire of every kid to be the last one standing. I always wanted to show up the next day, smudge in tact, but I could never come up with head protection more nuanced than a bag over the head, and that didn't work out so well. The problem with this challenge? In the same way that it is always hardest to stand still as soon as you are told to stay put, your forehead never itches so much and so badly as it does that day. I rarely lasted past lunch, which got delayed thanks to stupid mass (It's ok. I had a lot for dinner the night before). Often enough I got the lazy smudge that fell off as soon as the arthritic old man put it on my hand.

It never even occurred to me how insane that day was until college, when a Jewish* friend of mine got out of class at the same time as an Ash Wednesday service and found himself surrounded by ash-headed youths. He ran back reporting to me that he was just swarmed by the Army of God. I took that as a compliment, bringing me back to the good ole days of the crusades. Man, those were fun times...unless you weren't Catholic. Not so fun then.




*Atheist

As an adult, I assume a healthy number of Catholics don't remember it's Ash Wednesday till I do: I turn on Around the Horn and see Tony Reali with that smear on his head as I finish that second bacon cheeseburger. There's ways to go at this point. Good Catholics turn off the TV and find the nearest service. Bad** Catholics say "oops" and keep watching for that playoffs discussion.
All Catholics feel guilty about it. Mostly, I'm just impressed how well Toni keeps that ash protected. He must be going on 6 hours, at least.

**Most