Movie Reaction: Sonic the Hedgehog

Formula: X-Men: Days of Future Past - Everything except for the Quicksilver scenes

I think every generation has a hard time accepting when something in pop culture no longer belongs to them. It's a passing of the torch that none of us are ready for. Boomers are taking a lot of heat these days for it, because their population dominance kept them in pop culture prominence for an uncommonly long amount of time. Millennials are probably even worse about it though, given their place in the rise of the internet. We don't know how to let go. We still wear clothes with the same characters we loved when we were 10. Toy collecting is increasingly common. As a result, we don't handle it well when something from our childhood remains for children. Remember Fuller House. That was a terrible show, mainly watched by adult fans of Full House, but written to be appreciated by families (i.e. children and parents who want something harmless that gets their children to shut up). I'm not excluding myself from this. I watched every episode of Girl Meets World and convinced myself that it was better than it was out of nostalgia.

This brings me to Sonic the Hedgehog. You might remember it from the shitstorm after the first trailer came out. The internet roasted the character design so much that Paramount delayed it three months at significant cost to appease them. Well, the wait is finally over. Sonic the Hedgehog scored a huge opening weekend. I've seen it, and my main thought is, "Oh yeah. This movie isn't meant for me".

Sonic the Hedgehog is a kids movie. It's full of hammy performances, unclever jokes, and frustrating plotting to anyone who is paying attention to it. I don't want to call it a bad movie, because that implies that it's trying to be a different kind of movie than it is.

Take the plot for instance. Sonic is a magical hedgehog living on a distant planet. A sentient owl watches over him until he's discovered by bad guys. He uses a magical ring to get away from them that transports him to a small town in Montana, where he lives mostly undiscovered for a decade. His isolation gets to him and eventually, he runs so fast in frustration that he causes a major blackout in the Pacific Northwest. That puts him on the radar of a misanthropic genius named Dr. Robitnik (Jim Carrey), who happens to have military backing. Before Sonic can use another magic ring to get away to a new safe planet, he loses the rings in San Francisco and goes on a road trip with the local sheriff (James Marsden). Pretty much, the rest of the run time is padded with fart jokes, unclever wordplay, and some physical humor.

Even just from that, you probably have a lot of questions. Why an owl? How does he go unnoticed for so long? Why does he need to go on a road trip if he can get to San Francisco in about 4 seconds? Then, as you watch the movie, you start breaking down even more basic logistical questions. Why isn't the speed that Sonic runs at consistent from scene to scene? Why is a single quill from Sonic so powerful? Am I really supposed to believe that Robotnik's power gauge machine is just going to return a reading of "unlimited power"? This movie just isn't concerned with that. It's kid logic.

Honestly, I just found this movie really boring. I can't figure out a more nuanced way to say it than that. No one is trying to do anything that will go above a 10 year old's head. I appreciated the small bits of mid-90s Jim Carrey that showed up, but no one seemed interested in meeting him at that level. Ben Schwartz provides the voice for Sonic, and he fully gets the tone he needs to hit with it. He's great at unearned swagger that turns into childish charm. There just wasn't any seen I found interesting. The action wasn't that exciting. The jokes weren't that funny. The characters were that engaging. At the same time, nothing in the movie pissed me off either.

It's probably for the best that the movie appeals people who are 8 right now rather than people who were 8 in 1995.

Verdict: Weakly Don't Recommend