Lent Rant: No Meat

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

No Meat
Since Catholics are a community however, we need to suffer arbitrary rules together as well as separately. That's why we have the ultimate, decided by committee (See Side Rant) no-no: No meat on Friday only*, but seafood is allowed. Other religions/denominations fast, literally can't eat more than a meal a day** for several days in a row.

* This rule also applies to any day with a noun or adjective before it (See Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, etc.)
** Hint: if you don't stop eating, it stays one meal. Pace yourself)

Catholics? On nonconsecutive days you have to substitute a hamburger for tuna. People on diets have stricter dietary restrictions than what Catholics have to do as part of a deal for eternal salvation. And, oh yeah, if we mess up, there's always Confession to wipe the slate clean. Suck it Luther! Catholics get into heaven  with indulgences paid in salmon.

I'm not saying any of this make sense either, of course. I've asked. Even priests say it's a test. That is all most of Catholicism is: a test to see what people will put up with.



Side rant: I say "decided by committee", because how else does that come about? I imagine it went something like this.
Holy Man 1: "So, we have Lent. In order to honor this period, we shall eat no meat and fast every day."
Holy Man 2: "That's a bit much, don't you think. I get kind of tired of bread after a few days of it."
HM1: "Hmm, you're right. I already said no meat, so how about we do it at least once a week?"
HM2: "I think I can get behind that"
HM1: "Good. Then absolutely no living creature shall be eaten on, let's say, Friday."
HM2: "Eeeeh."
HM1: "Yes?"
HM2: "According to this book, God made fish on the fifth day, so it would be sort of a slap in the face to not eat them then."
HM1: "And we don't want to insult God...fine. No meat, only on Fridays, but fish is allowed, because we respect God's work."
HM2: "It also says he created birds that day."
HM1: "Quit while you're ahead Brother Mark."

Lent Rant: Giving Shit Up

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

Giving Shit Up

After Ash Wednesday, not much happens for a few weeks. The only thing going on is trying not to forget what you gave up for Lent. You see, Catholics are progressive in a way, Socratic* even. Instead of saying to keep Kosher, or Fasting, or no Sex (unless you're gay. Then it's always a  no-no), or anything like that, we turn it on every Catholic to say, "What do you think you should do for God?"

*No, I don't know what Socratic means, but it makes me sound smart, and most people won't call me on it.

This practice is why I call Lent "New Year's Part 2". Because people, having failed to practice better living by eating better and not drinking when they said they would in January, are ready to give it another go. Especially since this time, there's a deadline. I would always be the douche who would give up Coke, candy, but then, mostly, religion, thus nullifying the first two.

Some people take it really seriously and give up a lot of stuff. Once again though, these are Catholics we are talking about, so the whole time they are abstaining, they are buying all sorts of foreign chocolates and cokes in glass bottles so they can go on that Easter celebratory binge. And don't even get me started on those people who pull that "Sunday doesn't count toward Lent" shit. I'll see you in Hell.

Movie Reaction: John Carter

Formula: (Star Wars + Gladiator + Wild Wild West + Lord of the Rings) / (100 Years of Science Fiction Evolution) - Any Sense of Irony

Cast: I like all the people in it, even if I didn't like them in this, specifically, but there is a very TV Mini-Series feel to it. The climactic battle is Tim Riggins vs. Detective Jimmy McNulty. Walter White is in it, as is Mark Antony, from Rome. In fact, the only people with real movie credits are voice actors. I think Tim Riggins has the making of a movie star, but he was being asked to be a less compelling Aragorn, without the needed supporting players.

Plot: I'm told the John Carter stories are the inspiration for just about all the Sci-Fi movies ever made, but the screen adaptation of this plays out like an amalgamation of all the movies it has inspired. The Mars colosseum scene looks exactly like the Geonosis one in Attack of the Clones. As something altogether new, it fails, but as standard Sci-Fi fun, it works well enough.

Production: So, this movie is a Water World sized bomb and there's been a ton of examination about why in articles like this one. I'm not into wasting more time talking about all the missteps making the film. In terms of the final product though, it certainly looked like they spent a shit ton on it but not to good effect. It's like it took the "you can dress it up all you want, but it's still a whore" principle to it's extreme. Several times, characters are in huge rooms with a ton of detail and CGI for only a few lines of dialogue. There's no reason this thing should've cost half the amount spent on it.

Elephant in the Room: This movie looks stupid as shit and Disney had to be insane to think this would be a franchise. I can't argue against this. The stakes, plot, and characters all seemed to fit better as a SyFy mini-series or something. Maybe foreign sales might cause this to break even in the end, but, like The Golden Compass, I don't see a way there will be a part 2.

To Sum Things Up
I was hesitant to see this, only breaking down because I wanted to see Wrath of the Titans less. This thing is mercifully almost out of theaters and probably for good reason. I didn't dislike it, but I can't recommend it to anyone, especially with the price of 3-D tickets.


One last thought: Ticket stub guy at the movie theater (you know who you are). Fuck you! for not giving me 3-D glasses. I was midway through the MIB 3 trailer before I realized I wasn't losing my eye sight, and that is why I walked up to your little booth a few minutes later and took my glasses without asking.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Lent Rant: Ash Wednesday

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension



Ash Wednesday
That next morning is the listed official start to Lent: Ash Wednesday. This is a day where we put ash on our head to break the monotony of a standard holy day of obligation mass. Why do we do this? It doesn't matter. We put it in the shape of a cross and that's all that matters  to us.

If you Protestants don't like it, then you don't like the cross, which means you hate Jesus. And you can't hate Jesus. He brought us Mardi Gras, so he's cool with me. The ashes don't matter to anyone but school children and old people anyway.

To the elderly, the ashes are nothing more than a cruel reminder that they can't be cremated or else they go to hell.

To children, it's a challenge. As a kid in a catholic school, as soon as that ash goes on your head, so begins "Operation Forehead Protection". All day long, nothing else matters other than seeing how long you can keep that smudge on there. It's the unspoken desire of every kid to be the last one standing. I always wanted to show up the next day, smudge in tact, but I could never come up with head protection more nuanced than a bag over the head, and that didn't work out so well. The problem with this challenge? In the same way that it is always hardest to stand still as soon as you are told to stay put, your forehead never itches so much and so badly as it does that day. I rarely lasted past lunch, which got delayed thanks to stupid mass (It's ok. I had a lot for dinner the night before). Often enough I got the lazy smudge that fell off as soon as the arthritic old man put it on my hand.

It never even occurred to me how insane that day was until college, when a Jewish* friend of mine got out of class at the same time as an Ash Wednesday service and found himself surrounded by ash-headed youths. He ran back reporting to me that he was just swarmed by the Army of God. I took that as a compliment, bringing me back to the good ole days of the crusades. Man, those were fun times...unless you weren't Catholic. Not so fun then.




*Atheist

As an adult, I assume a healthy number of Catholics don't remember it's Ash Wednesday till I do: I turn on Around the Horn and see Tony Reali with that smear on his head as I finish that second bacon cheeseburger. There's ways to go at this point. Good Catholics turn off the TV and find the nearest service. Bad** Catholics say "oops" and keep watching for that playoffs discussion.
All Catholics feel guilty about it. Mostly, I'm just impressed how well Toni keeps that ash protected. He must be going on 6 hours, at least.

**Most

Lent Rant

Last Easter, I got bored at work (a phrase I should keep a running tally of), and went on a big ole rant about Lent. I don't know why I did this, but with Easter about to come around again, I might as well post it. So, without further delay, her is my multi-part* series I call my Lent Rant.

* Multi-part because I'm not editing through this in one sitting. A could paragraphs a day is about all my laziness can handle.

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

(Yeah, I could've cropped the address out, but I wanted to you know I didn't make this myself)

Lent
Growing up Catholic, I have many fond memories of Lent. No, that's not right. Growing up Catholic, I have many memories of being in church. This goes especially for Lent. While I can't practice Catholicism with a straight face (in the same way I could never be energetic enough to be Baptist, straight-laced enough to be Jehovah's Witness, or mystical enough to be Mormon), that faith gets religion. Religion is a test. Constant and unyielding with a promised great payoff, kind of like what a 401k is to retirement, complete with the weekly payments. And, what better way to be tested than being asked to do stupid shit for 40 days?

Mardi Gras
Let's start at the beginning: Ash Wednesday -

No, the REAL beginning: Mardi Gras. It may not be a church sanctioned day, but what's more Catholic than a day of excess and drinking? Catholics are all about loopholes, you see. What better example than Mardi Gras? Leading into our* holiest of times we celebrate excess. Muslims fast and all that for Ramadan. You know what they do the night before Ramada? Neither do I. Catholics? We take advantage of every vice imaginable. I wish we could claim New Orleans, but that would be like Christians claiming Christmas. Sure, we started it, but the secularists ran away with it years ago. That doesn't mean we don't still eat, drink, and party late into the night.

Also, I've noticed for things like this we take an inverted Jewish Sabbath angle. The day doesn't end till sunrise because sunset or midnight is too early to call it quits on something as ragin' as Mardi Gras.

* For the purpose of writing this, and the fact that one can never truly get out, I'll be referring to Catholics as from a participant's perspective. It's allowed because I put in my time.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2009

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2009.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 521 movies in 2009. I'm not checking all of them. I probably checked more ratings this year than any other year. It's a sort of lame duck year.

Human Centipede (First Sequence) - Rated R for disturbing sadistic horror violence, nudity and language

Avatar - Rated PG-13 for intense epic battle sequences and warfare, sensuality, language and some smoking

Ninja Assassin - Rated R for strong bloody stylized violence throughout, and language

All About Steve - Rated PG-13 for sexual content including innuendos

Movie Reaction: The Hunger Games

Formula: (Battle Royale + Youths) * Dystopian Themes

Cast: It's a fine group of actors they've assembled, but it reminds me of another Jennifer Lawrence film, X-Men: Fist Class, that seems like every person was the director's second choice. This is definitely the Iron Man moment for miss Lawrence who will now find herself as a Hollywood A-Lister, able to command an opening weekend. There rest of the cast is a bunch of "also-rans" (Elizabeth Banks, Lenny Kravitz) and no names (...see! I literally don't know their names). Everyone is as good as you could expect for a blockbuster. They do keep all the main characters at an arm's length, which is probably intentional, but I'm not sure I feel the connection I normally do to a franchise character after the first movie.

Plot: I love any time you can sneak a dystopia to be accepted by the masses. I was disappointed by how little it focused on the moral dilemma at the center of the story, and it tried to have it's cake and eat it too by painting all of the contestants as black or white, good or bad characters. I guess it had to do it to be mainstream.
Also, this may be me, but I can't remember being so aware that depth from the book was being withheld in the movie. It felt like they gave as little exposition as possible. For a stand-alone movie, that probably works best, but for a franchise in the making, the first movie should build the world a little more. That's a difference between a saga and a film.

Elephant in the Room: No, this is not like Twilight. It will have a lot of mainstream crossover, but they really aren't the same. There is a good deal more heft to this than the vampire franchise. Judging by the opening weekend numbers though, it is going to be talked about far more than it deserves.

To Sum Things Up
It is the Goldilocks of  blockbusters. It's not better than you hope or worst than you fear. See it (everyone else has, based of the $150 million opening), but don't expect a whole lot.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Suicide is Lame

Suicide is lame. I don't mean that in the selfish, "you're only hurting those you leave behind" way. That's a stupid thing to say anyway. I'm pretty sure the one committing suicide feels some pain too. What they mean to say is pain - long-term. But, that's a semantic issue, and these people are grieving, so I'll let it slide.

Honestly, if you want to off yourself, that's fine with me. You were probably dull to talk to anyway. My issue with suicide is how boring it is. People always do really lame things. What is the fun of swallowing a bunch of pills? Hanging yourself may be a disturbing visual if  that's your kind of thing, but I'm pretty sure any act that gets turned into a game children play is not a badass move. Even a shotgun in the mouth is more messy than it is cool.

I'd be down with one offing oneself if there was a little more pizazz. Here's a few ideas for a suicide that will do more than kill you:

(People only wanting attention do not apply. Go listen to Taking Back Sunday and writing poetry about how misunderstood you are)
1) Use an automatic gun. Even messier than a shot gun, but certain to make the news.
2) Samurai suicide. As long as you leave a note about your honor, it'll get attention.
3) Jumping off a building in a Superman costume. Even better if it's a Batman costume because that will lead to discussions about how you were doomed to fail.
4) Motorcycle stunt. Make sure it is a "live or die" situation. No one wants to be too injured to kill yourself. I recommend a really steep jump and maybe a spike or two.
5) Use yourself as a conductor for something awesome, like a Christmas light display.
6) O.D. on a drug that just got approved by the FDA. Might as well get something recalled while your at it.
7) Suicide bomb an abandoned building. That way, you get the news story without the infamy.
...And the list keeps going. Just remember. Be creative. You only die once.*

The important thing to remember for all of these ideas is that you need to make sure you have a suicide note. All of these could be seen as accidents otherwise (or crazy). Let them know the intent was to die. That'll at least get you a Wikipedia article. I'll make sure to go back and spice up your personal history in it, but only if you mention me in the note, and only if I'm listed as a reason you did it.

* Unless your action sets off a zombie invasion. Then, by all means, do it.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2010

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2010.


Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 534 movies in 2010. I'm not checking all of them. If you have a good one, let me know. I'll probably use it, delete your post, and claim it as my own. Let my honesty not deter you.

Alice in Wonderland
Rated PG for fantasy action/violence involving scary images and situations, and for a smoking caterpillar

The Karate Kid
Rated PG for bullying, martial arts action violence and some mild language

Grown Ups
Rated PG-13 for crude material including suggestive references, language and some male rear nudity

The Expenables
Rated R for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language

Letters to Juliet
Rated PG for brief rude behavior, some language and incidental smoking

Kick-Ass
Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, pervasive language, sexual content, nudity and some drug use - some involving children

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Rated PG-13 for stylized violence, sexual content, language and drug references

Movie Reaction: Jeff Who Lives at Home

Formula: You know that one indie movie you saw that one time? It's just like that.

Cast: Hey, I love Jason Segel. Ed Helms is great in supporting roles. Judy Greer is one of those ubiquitous actresses who never quite gets the attention she deserves. Susan Sarandon. Well, she rounded out the cast. That's not to say she was bad. She simply never felt necessary.

Disclaimer: If you have not seen the movie Signs, Jason Segel ruins the entire movie in the opening 5 minutes. You have been warned.

Plot: Let me start by saying that I did enjoy this. However, I am always thrown off by indie comedies since they are rarely laugh-out-loud funny, instead going for more cerebral angles. The plot was one of those "everything comes together at the end" types but I think it's largely a case of personal preference to decide whether it's a well crafted structure or one that only comes together because the movie demands it to. I'm still on the fence. And, Susan Sarandon's role in the movie always came across as filler for me, like they needed someone to switch to while time was passing in the A-story.

Elephant in the Room: You've never even heard of this movie, have you? Don't worry. No one has. I saw it because I liked the cast. If I wasn't an IMDB hound, I'd be as clueless as you.

To Sum Things Up
Everything about this movie felt familiar. Like Hersher or A Little Help, it was enjoyable and had some familiar faces doing familiar things with varying levels of success. It is definitely one to watch on your Instant Queue on a Saturday afternoon while you few through the latest issue of People or Redbook*.

*Is Redbook** still a thing?

**Why do they call it a book when it's a magazine?

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend