Delayed Reaction: Conan the Barbarian

The Pitch: How can we use Arnold Schwarzenegger a lot without making him talk?

After his parents are killed and he is forced to grow up in slavery, a warrior seeks to get revenge.

This movie belongs in the category of movies I saw as a child that would've fared better had I not re-seen them. I remember my dad introduced me to this movie and I thought it was so cool. It's high fantasy. Swords and magic. Dudes with huge muscles fighting giant snakes and each other. What's not to like?

Rewatching it now, I see some of the problems that I didn't then. It's the kind of movie that accepts that certain parts are bad, and hopes that it does well enough with the good parts that people will still like it. It's sort of like a gymnast choosing to do a routine that's only worth 9 points to begin with. Conan the Barbarian was never going to be a 10, but it tries to be the best 7/10 possible.

The story of this movie is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's a singular star in a lot of ways. He's a bodybuilder with a thick accent who never rose above mediocre acting talent, yet he was one of the biggest stars in the world with a decades long blockbuster career. The man is a movie star and a testament to how far charisma can bring you. He's not very good in Conan. They cast people like James Earl Jones and Max von Sydow, like a sports team trying to surround a top draft pick with veteran leadership. I can't help but notice that the actors who are onscreen with Arnold the most are a professional surf boarder and model on their first acting jobs. I'm guessing the theory is that Arnold doesn't seem so bad if he's sharing the screen with people who are also bad.

This is a fun movie though. The effects are a little laughable now. Not the best treatment of women. A little violent. It's all very fitting with the era, and it's an entertaining origin story for Arnold Schwarzenegger as a movie star.

Verdict: Weakly Recommend