Lent Rant

Last Easter, I got bored at work (a phrase I should keep a running tally of), and went on a big ole rant about Lent. I don't know why I did this, but with Easter about to come around again, I might as well post it. So, without further delay, her is my multi-part* series I call my Lent Rant.

* Multi-part because I'm not editing through this in one sitting. A could paragraphs a day is about all my laziness can handle.

Part 1: Mardi Gras
Part 2: Ash Wednesday
Part 3: Giving Shit Up
Part 4: No Meat
Part 5: Palm Sunday
Part 6: Holy Thursday
Part 7: Good Friday
Part 8: ...Saturday
Part 9: Easter Sunday
Part 10: The Ascension

(Yeah, I could've cropped the address out, but I wanted to you know I didn't make this myself)

Lent
Growing up Catholic, I have many fond memories of Lent. No, that's not right. Growing up Catholic, I have many memories of being in church. This goes especially for Lent. While I can't practice Catholicism with a straight face (in the same way I could never be energetic enough to be Baptist, straight-laced enough to be Jehovah's Witness, or mystical enough to be Mormon), that faith gets religion. Religion is a test. Constant and unyielding with a promised great payoff, kind of like what a 401k is to retirement, complete with the weekly payments. And, what better way to be tested than being asked to do stupid shit for 40 days?

Mardi Gras
Let's start at the beginning: Ash Wednesday -

No, the REAL beginning: Mardi Gras. It may not be a church sanctioned day, but what's more Catholic than a day of excess and drinking? Catholics are all about loopholes, you see. What better example than Mardi Gras? Leading into our* holiest of times we celebrate excess. Muslims fast and all that for Ramadan. You know what they do the night before Ramada? Neither do I. Catholics? We take advantage of every vice imaginable. I wish we could claim New Orleans, but that would be like Christians claiming Christmas. Sure, we started it, but the secularists ran away with it years ago. That doesn't mean we don't still eat, drink, and party late into the night.

Also, I've noticed for things like this we take an inverted Jewish Sabbath angle. The day doesn't end till sunrise because sunset or midnight is too early to call it quits on something as ragin' as Mardi Gras.

* For the purpose of writing this, and the fact that one can never truly get out, I'll be referring to Catholics as from a participant's perspective. It's allowed because I put in my time.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2009

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2009.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 521 movies in 2009. I'm not checking all of them. I probably checked more ratings this year than any other year. It's a sort of lame duck year.

Human Centipede (First Sequence) - Rated R for disturbing sadistic horror violence, nudity and language

Avatar - Rated PG-13 for intense epic battle sequences and warfare, sensuality, language and some smoking

Ninja Assassin - Rated R for strong bloody stylized violence throughout, and language

All About Steve - Rated PG-13 for sexual content including innuendos

Movie Reaction: The Hunger Games

Formula: (Battle Royale + Youths) * Dystopian Themes

Cast: It's a fine group of actors they've assembled, but it reminds me of another Jennifer Lawrence film, X-Men: Fist Class, that seems like every person was the director's second choice. This is definitely the Iron Man moment for miss Lawrence who will now find herself as a Hollywood A-Lister, able to command an opening weekend. There rest of the cast is a bunch of "also-rans" (Elizabeth Banks, Lenny Kravitz) and no names (...see! I literally don't know their names). Everyone is as good as you could expect for a blockbuster. They do keep all the main characters at an arm's length, which is probably intentional, but I'm not sure I feel the connection I normally do to a franchise character after the first movie.

Plot: I love any time you can sneak a dystopia to be accepted by the masses. I was disappointed by how little it focused on the moral dilemma at the center of the story, and it tried to have it's cake and eat it too by painting all of the contestants as black or white, good or bad characters. I guess it had to do it to be mainstream.
Also, this may be me, but I can't remember being so aware that depth from the book was being withheld in the movie. It felt like they gave as little exposition as possible. For a stand-alone movie, that probably works best, but for a franchise in the making, the first movie should build the world a little more. That's a difference between a saga and a film.

Elephant in the Room: No, this is not like Twilight. It will have a lot of mainstream crossover, but they really aren't the same. There is a good deal more heft to this than the vampire franchise. Judging by the opening weekend numbers though, it is going to be talked about far more than it deserves.

To Sum Things Up
It is the Goldilocks of  blockbusters. It's not better than you hope or worst than you fear. See it (everyone else has, based of the $150 million opening), but don't expect a whole lot.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Suicide is Lame

Suicide is lame. I don't mean that in the selfish, "you're only hurting those you leave behind" way. That's a stupid thing to say anyway. I'm pretty sure the one committing suicide feels some pain too. What they mean to say is pain - long-term. But, that's a semantic issue, and these people are grieving, so I'll let it slide.

Honestly, if you want to off yourself, that's fine with me. You were probably dull to talk to anyway. My issue with suicide is how boring it is. People always do really lame things. What is the fun of swallowing a bunch of pills? Hanging yourself may be a disturbing visual if  that's your kind of thing, but I'm pretty sure any act that gets turned into a game children play is not a badass move. Even a shotgun in the mouth is more messy than it is cool.

I'd be down with one offing oneself if there was a little more pizazz. Here's a few ideas for a suicide that will do more than kill you:

(People only wanting attention do not apply. Go listen to Taking Back Sunday and writing poetry about how misunderstood you are)
1) Use an automatic gun. Even messier than a shot gun, but certain to make the news.
2) Samurai suicide. As long as you leave a note about your honor, it'll get attention.
3) Jumping off a building in a Superman costume. Even better if it's a Batman costume because that will lead to discussions about how you were doomed to fail.
4) Motorcycle stunt. Make sure it is a "live or die" situation. No one wants to be too injured to kill yourself. I recommend a really steep jump and maybe a spike or two.
5) Use yourself as a conductor for something awesome, like a Christmas light display.
6) O.D. on a drug that just got approved by the FDA. Might as well get something recalled while your at it.
7) Suicide bomb an abandoned building. That way, you get the news story without the infamy.
...And the list keeps going. Just remember. Be creative. You only die once.*

The important thing to remember for all of these ideas is that you need to make sure you have a suicide note. All of these could be seen as accidents otherwise (or crazy). Let them know the intent was to die. That'll at least get you a Wikipedia article. I'll make sure to go back and spice up your personal history in it, but only if you mention me in the note, and only if I'm listed as a reason you did it.

* Unless your action sets off a zombie invasion. Then, by all means, do it.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2010

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2010.


Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 534 movies in 2010. I'm not checking all of them. If you have a good one, let me know. I'll probably use it, delete your post, and claim it as my own. Let my honesty not deter you.

Alice in Wonderland
Rated PG for fantasy action/violence involving scary images and situations, and for a smoking caterpillar

The Karate Kid
Rated PG for bullying, martial arts action violence and some mild language

Grown Ups
Rated PG-13 for crude material including suggestive references, language and some male rear nudity

The Expenables
Rated R for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language

Letters to Juliet
Rated PG for brief rude behavior, some language and incidental smoking

Kick-Ass
Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, pervasive language, sexual content, nudity and some drug use - some involving children

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Rated PG-13 for stylized violence, sexual content, language and drug references

Movie Reaction: Jeff Who Lives at Home

Formula: You know that one indie movie you saw that one time? It's just like that.

Cast: Hey, I love Jason Segel. Ed Helms is great in supporting roles. Judy Greer is one of those ubiquitous actresses who never quite gets the attention she deserves. Susan Sarandon. Well, she rounded out the cast. That's not to say she was bad. She simply never felt necessary.

Disclaimer: If you have not seen the movie Signs, Jason Segel ruins the entire movie in the opening 5 minutes. You have been warned.

Plot: Let me start by saying that I did enjoy this. However, I am always thrown off by indie comedies since they are rarely laugh-out-loud funny, instead going for more cerebral angles. The plot was one of those "everything comes together at the end" types but I think it's largely a case of personal preference to decide whether it's a well crafted structure or one that only comes together because the movie demands it to. I'm still on the fence. And, Susan Sarandon's role in the movie always came across as filler for me, like they needed someone to switch to while time was passing in the A-story.

Elephant in the Room: You've never even heard of this movie, have you? Don't worry. No one has. I saw it because I liked the cast. If I wasn't an IMDB hound, I'd be as clueless as you.

To Sum Things Up
Everything about this movie felt familiar. Like Hersher or A Little Help, it was enjoyable and had some familiar faces doing familiar things with varying levels of success. It is definitely one to watch on your Instant Queue on a Saturday afternoon while you few through the latest issue of People or Redbook*.

*Is Redbook** still a thing?

**Why do they call it a book when it's a magazine?

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Movie Reaction: 21 Jump Street

Formula: 1980s TV Show + 20 years * Comedy

Cast:
I'm a Channing Tatum fan now. I've always like Jonah Hill, but short of being adapted from a Nicholas Sparks novel, I'll probably give a movie a chance if he's in it.
I've always enjoyed when a comedy is basically, a couple movie stars, a character actor or two, plus a shit ton of people from TV comedies that I watch to round out the call list. There are a lot of comedic chops in just about every scene. Oh, and there's at least one fantastic cameo I never saw coming.

Plot:
The best comedies remember what they are from start to finish. This movie succeeded at that. It took the premise and ran with it, never forgetting it was supposed to be funny and never took itself too seriously. There's a lot of meta humor to it that I loved as well.

The Elephant in the Room
It's a movie treatment of an 80s TV show. I hate those as much as anyone*. But, the undercover adult playing a high schooler plot is a pretty common plot device and that's almost all the movie took from the show, so cut it some slack.

* That's not true. I really liked I-Spy of all things and Get Smart was quality as well. You know. The first Transformers movie was pretty good too. Maybe people need to quit complaining about this sub-Genre.

To Sum Things Up
See it. It's really good, and pretty broad, in the good sense, so just about anyone will enjoy it. You can doubt me because it looks kind of stupid, but you'll watch it on Starz Play in your instant queue in 9 months and have that brief moment where you will think "Alex is so smart and has such good taste. He's pretty handsome too. I'm lucky I know him". Do yourself a favor and take my word on it and see it.

Verdict (?): Strongly Recommend

People in Matching Blazers

I may be too trusting but I always believe the health advice given to me by anyone wearing a matching warm-up blazer. I figure, if you are at the point where you will wear that, you probably know your shit. I feel ridiculous wearing jersey shorts if I'm not going to bed or about to do laundry. This person is willing to wear that whole ensemble, swishing pants and everything. I assume the whole set comes with a subscription to Men's Health too. Actually, if the blazer has a Men's Health logo, ask that person to train you. They must be an expert. This rule does come with some conditions though. Example, the level of reliability goes down exponentially with distance from a fitness center. Also, the older the person, the less I trust it. If you see a 74 year old with a matching blazer at Denny's at 10:30 am, stand back. He is wearing that as a fashion choice, and based on the time, you'd be interrupting his lunch.

What is the point of those suits anyway? I don't think static cling to my balls is beneficial to my health.

Best MPAA Ratings of 2011

For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2011.

Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 598 movies in 2011 and 3/4s of those are rated PG-13 for Language and Adult Content. That gets boring, so I'm sure I missed some gems. Let me know if you find any. For the sake of science, I want a complete list.

Another Note: Finding these takes a surprisingly long amount of time. There is no way the effort was worth it. I want you to know I am fully aware of this.

Yet Another Note: Fuck you! You aren't that special. You know who you are.

A Note That Actually Pertains to the Topic of the Post: I could post pictures and link to the sites and all, but that takes longer than you think, and I want the theme of this to be wasted time and lack of effort. That's my shtick.

Kung Fu Panda 2 
Rated PG for sequences of martial arts action and mild violence

Rio
Rated PG for mild off color humor (original rating)

Rango
Rated PG for rude humor, language, action and smoking

Cowboys & Aliens
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of western and sci-fi action and violence, some partial nudity and a brief crude reference

Crazy, Stupid Love
Rated PG-13 for coarse humor, sexual content and language

Zookeeper
Rated PG for some rude and suggestive humor, and language

The Adventures of Tintin
Rated PG for adventure action violence, some drunkenness and brief smoking

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
Rated PG for some mild rude humor and mischief

The Artist
Rated PG-13 for a disturbing image and a crude gesture

Zookeeper
Rated PG for some rude and suggestive humor, and language

Soul Surfer
Rated PG for an intense accident sequence and some thematic material

Red Riding Hood
Rated PG-13 for violence and creature terror, and some sensuality

Beastly
Rated PG-13 for language including crude comments, brief violence and some thematic material

Drive Angry
Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, grisly images, some graphic sexual content, nudity and pervasive language

The Backseat

The back seat in the car is awful. There is no way around this. If you are sitting in the back you get the afterbirth of what is being experienced in the front.

-The driver wants some fresh air. He rolls down the window and gets a pleasant breeze. In the back seat it’s like a tornado smacking you in the face.

-The driver wants some music. He turns the volume up to a reasonable level. Only thing is, most cars put the louder speakers in the back since it has to overcome a greater distance to reach the driver. So, a comfortable volume on the front is slightly below a sonic boom in the back.

-The driver wants to carry a conversation. He keeps his eyes on the road and talks. Everyone is pointing in the same direction. The front can hear the back easy. The back does not have the same luxury. There is the fun challenge of trying to follow a conversation using every third syllable, but it's kind of a useless skill, like cassette player repair or hostage negotiator at a leper colony.

The annoying thing about this is that the people in the front never seem to realize this. They think you hate air circulation, love their taste in music, and can hear like and owl.
The only time this is not an issue is the case of having a personal driver. And, that only works because he* is hired to fight these elements.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just tell your friend's you'll meet them there and drive separately. Recycle the beer can from the drive over to counteract the environmental impact of driving multiple cars.

*or she. See, I'm being equal opportunity, but let's be honest, being a chauffeur is hardly a girl-power moment.

Movies That Should Be Sequels that Aren't

Movie franchises are a dime a dozen these days. It seems like every 25 million dollar movie is deemed worthy of a sequel of diminished quality. Because of this, whenever I see a couple movies with similar titles, I immediately assume they are related.

In that spirit, I give you my far from complete list of movies I thought were sequels and was very wrong about.

1. 28 Days / 28 Days Later

This is perhaps the most obvious pairing on the list. Even knowing one movie is about drug rehab and the other a zombie flick, I still have to remind myself there is no similarity at all. The most confusing part: coming out in 2000 and 2002, they even have a standard gap for sequel turnover.

2. 8MM / Super 8

Sure, both involve 8MM cameras, but in very different ways. One is a Nic Cage movie about snuff. The other is a family friendly monster movie. In other words, not too similar.

3. The Fifth Element / The Sixth Sense

Ok, this one is a stretch at first, but think about it. Came out in '97 and '99. Both staring Bruce Willis. And, there are worse names for sequels. I'm still waiting for "The 7th Wonder" or the prequel, "The Fourth Corner".

4. The Peacemaker / The Rainmaker

Undeniable naming consistency. Turns out they came out only 2 months apart. Even Ed Wood would find that kind of turnaround tough.

5. Sugar & Spice / Salt

A comedy about bank robbing cheerleaders and a somewhat capable thriller starring an A-lister who's box office success has never matched her box office success. Try watching them back-to-back. They aren't such a bad pairing.

6. 9 Months / Due Date

Ignore the 15 year gap. Both star a charming Hollywood leading man, with some of the best funny-men in the biz to keep things entertaining. The names have a journey and destination quality to them.

7. The Village / The Town

My second M.Night Shyamalan movie on the list. It'd starting to make me think he should look into franchising. The whole "big twist" schtick has certainly run its course.

8. Blue State / Red State

Haven't heard of either movie. There's good reason for it. One is a wannabe comedy about political disillusionment [and Canada] and the other is horror thriller about fundamentalists killing the kids from Footloose. Kevin Smith directed one of these and it's probably not the one you're thinking. I find it interesting note that each movie came out 3 years after the other party won the presidential election.

9. The Mexican / The American

Two movies raiding the Ocean's cookie jar. I don't know anything about them, but George Clooney has a history of taking as the lead in a franchise (Bat Nipples, anyone?).

10. Stepmom / Step Brothers

Yeah, I'm getting a little lazy with the list at this point. This is harder than it looks. The titles are similar though, no?

11. Ghost Rider / The Ghost Writer

Fuck you. Homophones count.

12. Man on a Ledge / Jumper

Ok, ok. I never would think these were a franchise, but that those titles put together are funny. I also think most people wouldn't mind a movie about Hayden Christensen jumping off a building.


I may revisit this list in the future if I find some more. Please, so let me know of any you can think of as I'm sure they're out there.

Movie Reaction: Project X

Formula: Superbad + Cloverfield

Cast:
Ably enough acted, given the structure of the movie. I can't be too harsh on anyone because no one is saying they are high caliber actors. The fact that half the cast plays characters using their real name should be a clue. And, they all play people I would never want to talk to in real life (which applies to most people anyways).
The star of the movie though, is the party. It's almost a shame they spend so much time on any character, because it's really about the rise and fall of Sodom itself.

Plot:
What? You want one of those? Pssshaw! Pretty standard. You've seen Superbad, right? Same thing except Evan throws the party, add a riot, and no character is redeemable at any point in the movie. Seriously, they are all awful people. I was hoping the movie end with the party. We see it reach it's absolute most chaotic point and ends, the main character saying something like "worth it" and the camera goes to black. There is no way to like the fallout from the party. These people all deserve to go to jail. Lives are ruined. The parents are bankrupted. Relationships are ruin forever. An ending forces everything to be alright, which is too Hollywood, even for me. 

Style:
This is the only reason to see the movie, so I might as well address it. The found-footage style is absolutely the best way to shoot this. It is the only way to achieve the epic feel of the party (and it is definitely epic). My only quibble about this is that the format does stop working when every character seems too have an HD, feature film capable camera that's also water proof and apparently never runs out of space. For me, I like the found-footage format when it embraces it's limitations (see "Paranormal Activity" or "Cloverfield"), but I was aware 10 minutes in that this movie was never meant for me, in that regard.

The Elephant in the Room
The similarities between this and one of my favorite comedies of all time, Superbad, are undeniable. In fact, I think that was most of the ad campaign, and hell, that's why I saw this. I really wanted to like this, because I thought if it captured even a fraction of the charm of Superbad, it would be worth it. Turns out, a better comparison would be one of the American Pie movies. No, not that one. Not even this one. Even that one they tried on. Perhaps this one. Yeah, that works.
Superbad built characters that were fully formed and sympathetic. You had a feel for why they are friends and, more importantly, protagonists. Project X doesn't bother with any of that, which is a shame, considering it keeps asking the audience to react as if we care about them.

To Sum Things Up
There are people this movie will speak to. I saw no reason to listen. What it did right was too outweighed by what it didn't.

Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend