Formula: (Godzilla + Godzilla: King of the Monsters) / 2 + Kong: Skull Island
(An eager and ambitious WB executive walks up to director Adam Wigard.)
WB Executive: Adam! I've got a great idea for you.
Adam Wigard: Sure. What is it?
WB: Kong VERSUS Godzilla!
AW: I don't know. I am a horror director mostly. Are you sure you want me for a big blockbuster like this?
WB: Sure. It's no crazier than hiring Collin Trevorrow for Jurassic World.
AW: Good point. But, are you sure you all want to get into another extended universe? It hasn't been working that well for you.
WB: I don't know what you mean?
AW: You had to give up on the DC Extended Universe -
WB: It's thriving now...just not as interconnec-
AW: Fantastic Beasts is diluting the Harry Potter universe at the same time that J.K. Rowling is tweet-
WB: It's still the most successful franchise in histor-
AW: The Hobbit sure spent all the goodwill for Lord of the Rings and ended with a whimper.
WB: But people still watch Lord of the Rings around Christmas.
AW: And remember the failure of the Dark Unive-
WB: Look, do you want the job or not?
AW: I mean sure. That sounds fun. What did you all have in mind for the story?
WB: It's Godzilla versus Kong. What more do you need?
AW: But how do you get them in the same place? Why are they fighting?
WB: Literally make up any reason you want. No one watching the movie is going to care if it make no sense. For all I care, you can make the Earth hollow and have a giant dinosaur monster world at the planet core.
AW: Seriously? I might use that if you really don't care.
WB: If they do fight in a city though, China requests Hong Kong.
AW: You know, I always thought Pensacola would be a cool town for a figh-
WB: CHINA. REQUESTS. HONG. KONG.
AW: OK. Noted. How crazy are we talking though?
WB: Have them fight on a boat for all we care. Just have them fight.
AW: Aren't they a little big to fight on boats? Even on an aircraft carrier, the physics of it would make no sense.
WB: Adam, you are really overthinking this. No one is going to care. We are the studio of Man of Steel. Destroy anything you want.
AW: So, who's available?
WB: From the previous movies, we've got Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L. Jackson, Elizabeth Olsen...
AW: Wasn't one of those movies set in the 70s?
WB: Good point. I guess we can't use them.
AW: Besides, these days, they're probably too busy with Marvel-
WB: NEVER! Say! That! Word!
AW: Apologies.
WB: It really doesn't matter who we get. Might as well bring back Millie Bobby Brown and Kyle Chandler. The Stranger Things and Friday Night Lights fans will bring all of their annoying enthusiasm.
AW: I've always liked Rebecca Hall, Brian Tyree Henry, Demian Bichir, and Eliza Gonzalez. Oh, and that kid from Hunt for the Wilderpeople.
WB: ...Sure. Again, it really doesn't matter. They'll be place setters and exposition devices anyway.
AW: Of course. I understand. The plot doesn't matter.
WB: And get Alexander Skarsgaard. People love him.
AW: Doesn't he almost exclusively play abusive husbands these days?
WB: Excuse me. He was also in Legend of Tarzan which people all loved and was a huge hit.
AW: ...
WB: ...
AW: ...Was it really-
WB: Trust us! It was a huge success that we don't regret making at all.
AW: ...
WB: ...Regardless, we're giving you a huge budget. We've got great visual effects people working on this, so it will be a big, loud, raucous good time. Do you think you're up for the job?
AW: Before I agree, I want to make sure I'm understanding this all. One could even call these my final thoughts on the film I'm about to make. I'm a really competent director, who is going to make a big movie about Godzilla fighting Kong. That's the only part that anyone will need to care about, and I'll assemble a team that can delivery that, even if it's occasionally overwhelming to watch that much chaos and damage on screen. I'll assemble a pretty good cast, but they'll mainly only be there to explain a really convoluted plot. I won't even need to make sure the humor is very good. I'm going to deliver Kong fighting Godzilla 2 or 3 times, and that's going to be plenty for audiences, because that's all they should expect going in anyway with a title like Godzilla vs. Kong?
WB: That sounds suspiciously like a third party review of the film after it's completed, but yeah. That sounds about right.
-End Scene-
And, for the record, I actually do love 2016's The Legend of Tarzan.
Verdict: Weakly Recommend
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