Delayed Reaction: House at the End of the Street

The Pitch: We have this generic idea for a horror movie and this talented girl in the lead. We should go ahead and make it just in case she becomes enough of a name to carry this to a theatrical release.

What Took Me So Long: I have all the love in the world for Jennifer Lawrence. I've always seen this as her Elsewhere.

Why I Saw It: Jennifer Lawrence is the only reason to see this. There is an interesting story to it. It has a twist or two. The needed elements (a lot of night scenes, a brooding loner, a violent story from way back when) are all here. I suppose if you like the scary, not very violent or gory thriller genre, there's enough here to like.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: What's troublesome about this is that despite having a talent like Lawrence or even Elisabeth Shue, who has some good performances in her past, it is completely obscured by everything else being so generic. It's one of those stories that to make it work, all natural human reactions to situations have to be ignored. I've never understood why cops investigating something are never quick to call backup, even if it's a buddy in the department. It's ridiculous.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

DVR Purge: 8/7-8/12

I'm not in love with any shows I'm covering right now. The Leftovers has been fantastic so far, but I missed the mark on covering that and I'd rather not go back. Regardless, I'll have some interesting Emmy posts over the next two weeks. Hopefully some shows will be premiering by then.

Past Purges 

The Bridge "Eye of the Deep"
Marco doesn't kill Tate. That's an interesting decision. I didn't assume he would. It is strange that he would come that close to doing it, only to prove that he can. That was a very elaborate plan to get him in the prison. There's a lot of ways for that to go wrong, so I would hope that Marco has more of a plan than "you suck, but I'd rather see you live and suffer". Who knows what the full plan is with all this. For now, it's more of a throwback to last season than anything that matters to this season.
Marco chooses not to end the suffering of a person who has wronged him while Sonya mourns that she couldn't be there for Dobbs' end. She's grown a strange attachment to him over the years. It's bizarre that she would be hooking up with his brother but it seems to be doing both her and Jack some good. He seems to be learning more about his brother from that artifacts Sonya has kept over the years and Sonya keeps a connection to Dobbs by having the brother around.
In both cases, those are side quests. We get some forward movement in the cartel story though Daniel and Adriana as the DEA agent reveals that he is the informant, looking for the reporters to do some dirty work that he isn't allowed to. This is the second week in the row that Adriana and Daniel get brought in from the fringes, and it's starting to look like they are the ones who will tie the season together.
Also, Eleanor's a crazy cat lady. That's the smallest surprise of the week.

Married "Uncool"
The further we get from the pilot, the more that Lina and Russ make sense as a couple. They are complete fuck-ups and barely functioning adults. After a couple weeks of situations where they appear to be nearly broke or getting money from friends, we get a bit more of an idea why. Lina hasn't worked for a while and Russ is an artist. They had the surf shop dream which was mentioned last week. It's no surprise that it failed given that neither of them has any business savvy that we've seen, and is there really such a thing as a successful local surf shop?
Lina makes a half-hearted attempt to get her old job back. Scratch that, she made no effort. Beyond her old boss' bad breath, they don't get into what was so bad about the job and it's a childish protest.
Russ tries his best to be responsible by getting his money from the frat boys. He comes off as the bigger adult in that marriage for the first time. I love his complete inability to get past how little respect the skanks girls get on campus because he keeps thinking about his own daughters. It's a sweet sentiment. I also really love that they brought Angel back from the pilot. It's behind the scenes developments that I appreciate in a show. Apparently Russ has kept in touch with Angel after the whole fiasco with the dog and he's on friendly terms with Angel. I find that so funny.
This is turning out to be a much more somber show than I expected with a cast of Judy Greer, Nat Faxon, Jenny Slate, and others. When Lina tells Russ "I don't hate you. I just hate my life, and my life is you." that hits hard. It's kind of sweet but mostly depressing. I'm curious to see if this season is leading somewhere in particular or if it's aiming to be listless.

You're the Worst "What Normal People Do?"
Again, this is a show about a couple made up of two horrible people, not about a horrible couple. Jimmy and Gretchen are still trying to figure out how things are going to work in their relationship. For the second week in a row, the discussion is about living situations. This week was very favorable toward Jimmy's argument as Gretchen's apartment was awful. I find myself siding with Jimmy on many things and this weekend wasn't an exception. Her apartment gave me chills. Your laptop isn't TV. Don't call it that.
I like seeing Edgar and Lindsay bonding. Lindsay has been used up to now as a sounding board for Gretchen to complain about Jimmy and little else. Edgar simply needs to be around someone sympathetic for a change.
Some other assorted quirks I enjoyed:
-Jimmy wearing Edgar's "war costume" to get a discount .
-The happiest pizza man in the world.
-The movie at the end, starring that guy from NCIS: LA.

Girl Meets World "Girl Meets Popular"
Oh boy, was there ever fan service. This is the first time I remember there being gasps and cheers since the pilot. there was plenty there for the younger audiences with Riley's Harajuku girl transformation and on the nose Sword of Damocles references. Corey's delight at the party falling apart was infectious.
This was the first time in a while that was explicitly written for Boy Meets World fans. For god's sake, they used a clip from season one. We get some vintage season one Topanga (kind of like that one episode of Boy Meets World in which Topanga remembers that she used to be weird). I was amazed how much crowd cheering they had for those callbacks. Then, the plot about being invited to 7th grade parties is a direct call-back to a Boy Meets World episode (complete with a joke by Corey about that). The exact handling isn't the same, which is smart.
I didn't expect the cheering over Cloris Leachman. How many Disney Channel viewers actually know who she is? Granted, I recall the episode of Boy Meets World that featured Olivia Hussey for a well placed Romeo and Juliet joke eliciting massive cheers and no one understanding why.
This is always going to be a series that lives in the shadow of what came before it, and so far they are doing a good job serving both the past and the present.

The Emmy B-Team: Variety Series

The Emmys are less than a month away. As always, I'm in the process of spending way too much time thinking about the awards, only to then complain about how they are meaningless, before they even pick the wong winner because the voting process is so fundamentally flawed. In the past, I've worked on projects that involved looking back on prior ceremonies and picking at them (most notably, my list of snubs from 2012). There's plenty of fun in doing that, but this year, I decided to go after the nominations for the 2014 ceremonies.
Every year there are "snubs" when the nominations are announced. Given the dozens of channels with original programming (not to mention the websites), there's always going to be names, shows, episodes, ect. that are overlooked, some justly, some ignorantly, some predictably. The gut reaction is to go on about how the system is broken and offer up a host of ways to improve it. I stopped myself from writing a post about exactly that after some of my favorites were ignored yet again.
Instead, I decided to look into how badly the Emmy voters did botch the picks in the form of an alternate ballot with all the snubs. My thought: if I can make a stonger ballot than the actual one, then I can finally convince myself that there's no value in the Emmys. I'm calling this the Emmy B-Team for a reason though. The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences do a better job than I give them credit for.
One final note: In some categories, I still couldn't fit all the deserving nominees so I approximated as best as I could, and I haven't seen everything, so I'm certain I missed some great ones.

Monday: Reality & the Scruff

We can just call this field "Non-Sitcom comedies" by now, can't we?

Variety Series

A-Team
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Real Time with Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
B-Team
Broad City
Conan
Key & Peele
The Late Show with Craig Ferguson
@midnight
Portlandia
Talk about a stacked field. The Variety Series nominees almost never change and the A-Team is full of giants. The Emmys refuse to acknowledge sketch comedy despite Broad City carrying the most buzz of any show on the list, Key & Peele exploding, and Portlandia as established an outsider looking in as possible (seriously, it has all the other nominations it seemingly can). Conan and Craig Ferguson fill the late night talk show need and @midnight is something completely fresh. Still, the Variety Series field isn't complete without Stewart and Colbert.
Winner: A-Team, but they need to watch their ass before the new kids take over.

Variety Special

A-Team
AFI Life Achievement Award: A Tribute to Mel Brooks
The Beatles: The Night That Changed America
Best of Last Night with Jimmy Fallon Primetime Special
Billy Crystal: 700 Sundays
The Kennedy Center Honors
Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles
B-Team
Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive
The Comedy Central Roast of James Franco
Hannibal Buress: Live form Chicago
The Improv: 50 Years Behind the Brick Wall
One Night Only: An All-Star Comedy Tribute to Don Rickles
Six By Sondheim
The A-Team is basically a tribute to the Baby Boomers. Being a comedy lover and under the age of 50, I want to pick the team with the stand-up sets from two great comedians, a collection of interviews about The Improv, and the Roast of James Franco. Alas, the A-Team has a lot more polish and variety.
Winner: A-Team, but I don't like it.

Writing - Variety Series

A-Team
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with Job Stewart
Inside Amy Schumer
Key & Peele
Portlandia
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
B-Team
Broad City
Conan
Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
@midnight
Real Time with Bill Mahar
SNL
The fact that Inside Amy Schumer and Key & Peele actually got nominated means the Academy is at least paying attention sometimes. I hate to say it, but that's an A-Team that's hard to argue with.
Winner: A-Team, by a mile.

Directing - Variety Series

A-Team
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show
Portlandia
Saturday Night Live
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
B-Team
Conan
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Key & Peele
Late Show with David Letterman
Real Time with Bill Maher
Much like writing, there's not much to hate with these picks. SNL is always a feat in direction and the other nominees are the top of their field. To be a good snub, I'd have to believe it could win in the category and I wouldn't pick anything in the B-Team to win.
Winner: A-Team, by a kilometer.

Directing - Variety Special

A-Team
The Beatles: The Night That Changed America
The Kennedy Center Honors
The Oscars
Six By Sondheim
The Sound of Music Live!
67th Annual Tony Awards
B-Team
Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive
Billy Crystal: 700 Sundays
The Maya Rudolph Show
Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth
2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony
Sting: The Last Ship (Great Performances)
Look, I've seen almost none of these. They all mean the same thing to me, so, for direction, I'm just going to trust whichever group has the Tonys as the better one.
Winner: A-Team

Writing - Variety Special

A-Team
The Beatles: The Night That Changed America
Billy Crystal: 700 Sundays
71st Annual Golden Globes
Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles
67th Annual Tony Awards
B-Team
Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive
The Comedy Central Roast of James Franco
The Kennedy Center Honors
The Maya Rudolph Show
The Oscars
I'm sorry, the Globes and Tonys trump the stiff Ocars and a failed Variety Series.
Winner: A-Team, by several gold statues.

By now, you realize the point I'm trying to make. The more entertaining game you should be playing is telling me why any of my assessments are wrong. I'm essentially defending the Emmys for god's sake! Please, free me from this madness.

Delayed Reaction: In the Loop

The Pitch: So, Armando Iannucci wants to do The Thick of It as a movie, with just as much pretty swearing. I think that is all we need to say.

What Took Me So Long: I attempted this a few years ago and realized I needed to be a lot more attentive to follow it. I also assumed I'd need to watch The Thick of It to appreciate it.

Why I Saw It: I've grown to love Veep and Armando Ianucci is a name I've been hearing a lot for the way he peppers his dialogue with delicious profanity (and words in general). This absolutely delivers on that promise. Another big incentive was to see the the Malcolm Tucker character that made Peter Capaldi known before becoming the next Doctor and that is a fun character. Really, the whole movie is fun and funny. It has the feel of a long episode of a TV show, which normally bothers me. It didn't in this case. Still not sure why.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: It is still a little hard to follow if you are not totally tuned in which is a damn-near impossibility when I'm watching something on Netflix (which was the case for this). I appreciate when a movie asks something of the audience but it's nicer when it can be appreciated on more levels than "completely locked in". I realize most of this is on me. I really need to watch The Thick of It now.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

My Ten Favorite Robin Williams Performances

I'm at a loss for words. I really am. This celebrity death really bums me out. Michael Jackson was a shame, but in all honesty, I was never a big fan. Heath Leger died decades too soon and just as he was coming into his own. Philip Seymour Hoffman I respected greatly and always enjoyed his work. Countless celebrities die too young. I can't remember one that bothered me this much though.

He made me laugh. That's hard to shake. I don't want to believe that he would commit suicide, because nearly every memory I have of him was smiling, making people laugh. I don't want to dwell on it too much, but I'm going to have this on my mind either regardless. So, I figured the best use of my time, of course, is a list.

I haven't seen everything Robin Williams has ever done. There's some inexcusable gaps in what I've seen (Awakenings, Mork & Mindy, just about any Comic Relief). There's things I wish I remembered better (Good Morning Vietnam, Hook, Dead Again, The Fisher King). There's  World's Greatest Dad - which is too close to home right now. There's things I wish would've been better (Patch Adams, Man of the Year, The Crazy Ones). And yes, there's things I wish I hadn't seen (RV, Happy Feet, Old Dogs).
Here's my list of my ten favorite Robin Williams performances. I'm not going to rank them, because, I don't know. I just can't.

Dead Poets Society (1989)

I'm not sure if World's Greatest Dad or Dead Poet's Society is a more uncomfortable movie to think about right now. I was still an infant when this came out and, for a long time, I looked at this as one of those movies "from when he was chasing that Oscar". Then I saw in college and regretted being so dismissive about it. I know he had already done Good Morning Vietnam before he did this movie, but Dead Poets Society is the movie that proved it wasn't a fluke. He was more than just a funny guy.

Aladdin (1992)

There's a popular story about how, while he was working on Schindler's List, Steven Spielberg would call Robin Williams, working on Aladdin at the time, whenever he needed cheering up. That's one of my favorite stories about Williams (and one that I hope isn't some internet myth) because that's how I like to think of him: a man who could cheer anyone up. The Genie was the first comic superstar of my childhood and the best vehicle for Williams' manic energy.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

Let's be clear. This is a movie about a father who dresses up as an old woman in order to see his kids. That's a ridiculous movie, yet, because of how perfect Robin Williams is in it, it is one of the biggest comedies of all time and has permeated pop culture in a way that few movies ever have. I was torn about if I ever wanted to see them make the announced sequel, but I didn't want this to be the reason for them to stop.

Nine Months (1995)

It's not his greatest role. It's his biggest role. It's not his best movie. But, dammit, every time I think about drunken Dr. Kosevich announcing he'll crack open another bottle just as soon as he circumcises Hugh Grant's son, I can't help but crack a smile.

Jumanji (1995)

When was the last time you watched a movie as fun as Jumanji? It's a high concept movie done incredibly right. At times harrowing, at other times funny, at other times still, sweet. I'm so lucky to have been a kid for this phase of Robin Williams' career.

The Birdcage (1996)

The movie is all farce, all over the top, and perfect for Robin Williams' comedy. There's not a subtle joke in this movie (ok, maybe a couple) and I wouldn't want it any other way. Also, Robin Williams with an accent is funny. It doesn't have to be any more complex than that.

Good Will Hunting (1997)

Thank god that if Williams only got one Oscar that it was for playing Sean Maguire. Whether it's him telling Will about leaving Game 6 because he had "to go see about a girl" or simply explaining why Will could never appreciate art, Williams has never been better. I mean, in lesser hands, the "It's not your fault" scene would fall completely apart.

Death to Smoochy (2002)

This is a personal favorite. It's one of my favorite dark comedies and Robin Williams is great in it as the obsessed and depressed Rainbow Randolph. I can't help it. I have to include some of my favorite lines.

Cop: Are you ok?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.

Randolph: First he takes my career, then my life, now my girl. The balls on that fuchsia fuck! I'm gonna tear him apart, piece by piece!

Randolph: You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!

Nora: We know you didn't kill Spinner so just cool your jets.
Randolph: Oh, thank you, Mother Teresa, why don't you tell that to the angry mob outside? They want my fucking ass. I'm like a god damn toaster at Macy's; Rainbow's ass - aisle three.

I'll stop there.

Robin Williams: Live on Broadway (2002)

I can't talk about Robin Williams without mentioning Live on Broadway. Simply put, that is one of the funniest comedy sets I've ever seen. He is constant energy for all 99 minutes. I don't know how he doesn't pass out of exhaustion by the end. There's few things that I have ever quoted as much as this comedy special and all anyone ever has to say to get me laughing is "Fuck no! 18 FUCKING time!!!".

Louie (Episode "Barney/Never") (2012)

This is probably the least known of anything on the list and definitely the most recent. For those of you who haven't see it, in the episode, Louie and Robin are the only two people who go to an old comedy club owner's funeral. Afterwards they have a talk about the deceased that eventually leads them to a strip club that the guy frequented. It's quiet story and one with a darkly hilarious ending. I've never seen Robin Williams as calm as he is here and it is refreshing reminder of his range. As the two men go there separate ways, they make a pact...Oh, it's hard to even think about that part right now.


Well, I actually feel a lot better now. I'm still processing this tragedy and I'm sure it's going to linger with me for a while, but it's been nice going back and remembering why I liked him so much in the first place. I don't sincerity too well for long. I better stop here before I try to crack an ill-fitting joke.

The Emmy B-Team: Reality and The Scruff

The Emmys are less than a month away. As always, I'm in the process of spending way too much time thinking about the awards, only to then complain about how they are meaningless, before they even pick the wong winner because the voting process is so fundamentally flawed. In the past, I've worked on projects that involved looking back on prior ceremonies and picking at them (most notably, my list of snubs from 2012). There's plenty of fun in doing that, but this year, I decided to go after the nominations for the 2014 ceremonies.
Every year there are "snubs" when the nominations are announced. Given the dozens of channels with original programming (not to mention the websites), there's always going to be names, shows, episodes, ect. that are overlooked, some justly, some ignorantly, some predictably. The gut reaction is to go on about how the system is broken and offer up a host of ways to improve it. I stopped myself from writing a post about exactly that after some of my favorites were ignored yet again.
Instead, I decided to look into how badly the Emmy voters did botch the picks in the form of an alternate ballot with all the snubs. My thought: if I can make a stonger ballot than the actual one, then I can finally convince myself that there's no value in the Emmys. I'm calling this the Emmy B-Team for a reason though. The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences do a better job than I give them credit for.
One final note: In some categories, I still couldn't fit all the deserving nominees so I approximated as best as I could, and I haven't seen everything, so I'm certain I missed some great ones.


Look, there's no way that even I have the time to do this for every category the Emmys have. I can't even pretend to pick Outstanding Art Direction for a Contemporary Program or Single-Camera Picture Editing for a Drama Series. The could extra categories I did decide to do I've grouped with Reality TV, because, while Reality is a growing nomination field, it's still lagging behind the others.

Reality Competition

A-Team
The Amazing Race
Dancing with the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef
The Voice
B-Team
American Idol
America's Got Talent
Big Brother
Hollywood Game Night
RuPaul's Drag Race
Survivor
Survivor wins the legacy award but has always been bested by The Amazing Race. American Idol is no longer the force it was and has been supplanted by The Voice. Big Brother is...still on the air, whereas Dancing with the Stars is seemingly doing as many season a year as possible. So You Think You Can Dance is a more specific summer hit than America's Got Talent. Rupaul's Drag Race is the biggest snub and the B-Team winner, but it comes down to RuPaul vs. Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum which is a bit of a toss up. Hollywood Game Night is fun but clearly a show you put on when nothing else is working. Meanwhile, people still really enjoy Top Chef.
Winner: The A-team. Too many legacy shows on the B-Team are dragging down RuPaul.

Reality Host

A-Team
Betty White's Off Their Rockers - Betty White
Dancing with the Stars - Tom Bergeron
Hollywood Game Night - Jane Lynch
Project Runway - Heidi Klum & Tim Gunn
So You Think You Can Dance - Cat Deely
The Taste - Anthony Bourdain
B-Team
Dancing with the Stars - Erin Andrews
America's Got Talent - Nick Cannon
RuPaul's Drag Race - RuPaul Charles
Top Chef - Padma Lakshmi & Tom Colicchio
Survivor - Jeff Probst
American Idol - Ryan Seacrest
You can't tell me that Erin Andrews is much worse than Tom Bergeron on Dancing with the Stars. RuPaul and the Gunn/Klum team is a toss up. Cat Deely beats Nick Cannon in every conceivable way. Ryan Seacrest has been on the air nearly as much as Betty White as this point. I'd rather watch Padma Lakshmi eat something than Anthony Bourdain (That's a weird thing to say). Jane Lynch is way more fun than tired Jeff Probst.
Winner: A-Team, although RuPaul won't go quietly.

Structured Reality Program

A-Team
Antiques Roadshow
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives
MythBusters
Shark Tank
Undercover Boss
Who Do You Think You Are?
B-Team
American Pickers
Betty White's Off Their Rocker
Catch a Contractor
Catfish: The TV Series
Pawn Stars
Storage Wars
I don't know this category very well, but I think you have to go with the one that has Mythbusters, Antiques Roadshow, and Shark Tank. Catfish makes the B-Team very intriguing though.
Winner: A-Team, in a rout.

Unstructured Reality Program

A-Team
Alaska: The Last Frontier
Deadliest Catch
Flipping Out
Million Dollar Listing New York
Wahlburgers
Wild things With Dominic Monaghan
B-Team
Appalachian Outlaws
Cops
Duck Dynasty
Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Mountain Men
Teen Mom 2
Again, I don't watch any of these. The best of the B-Team include shows I can't stand, such as Duck Dynasty, Kardashians, and Teen Mom 2 (what differentiates it from Teen Mom, exactly?). The A-Team benefits from me never having heard of most of the shows.
Winner: A-Team, easily.

Children's Program

A-Team
Degrassi
Dog with a Blog
Good Luck Charlie
Nick News with Linda Ellerbee - Family Secrets: When Violence Hits Home
One Last Hug: Three Days at Grief Camp
Wynton Marsalis - A YoungArts Masterclass
B-Team
Sam & Cat
Austin and Ally
The Haunted Hathaways
I Didn't Do It
Instant Mom
Lab Rats
The tough part here is how few shows are even submitted in this field. I think Sam & Cat is the only B-Teamer with a case to be made for a nomination and I'm a little amazed that Ariana Grande and Jeanette McCurdy's star power did bump it into the A-Team.
Winner: A-Team, without question. It has Nick News for god's sake.

Informational Series or Special

A-Team
Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown
Inside the Actors Studio
Through the Wormhole With Morgan Freeman
Vice
The Writer's Room
B-Team
And the Oscar Goes to...
Brain Games
Oprah's Master Class
Talking Dead
Talking Bad
This is actually pretty tough. On one hand, Actor's Studio is an institution, The Writers' Room is easily the show I find most interesting, Vice isn't TV, it's HBO, and Wormhole has Morgan Freeman. On the other hand, Oprah. To go along with that, my parents say very good things about Brain Games and the Talking shows mooch off my love of the shows they discuss.
Winner: A-Team. It's close, but the fact that I had to include two Talking programs shows how little diversity was left after the Emmys made their picks.

Even though the Emmy's picks have won each time today, this was much closer than I expected. I'm guessing that's because I care so little about all the shows in question.

Delayed Reaction: Ice Age: The Meltdown

The Pitch: What happened after the Ice Age? Things got warmer. Sure, it took thousands of years. Kids don't know that.

What Took Me So Long: I've seen the original and know enough not to expect anything new or different from the sequels.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) This is a seriously big franchise worldwide. I haven't done the number (which is uncommon for me) but it probably the biggest non-Toy Story or Shrek franchise out there. It has kept Blue Sky Studios on the map. And, the movie isn't so bad. Scrat's back to break things up with his ridiculously difficult attempts to get that acorn. Ray Ramono, John Leguizamo, and Denis Leary are a wonderfully eclectic voice cast. Throwing in Queen Latifa is a smart addition. In general, I have to credit the Ice Age movies for their keen ear in voice casting. They don't target a lot of people we've heard before.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: The part of my mind that has even taken a science class spent the whole time screaming at this, of course. This is not as clever as the original movie, which is to be expected. In general, I can only say I wasn't the target audience or a collateral audience. It is enjoyable but not for me.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Delayed Reaction: Crystal Fairy

The Pitch: Michael Cera plays an American sorta-douchebag who wants to do drugs with friends. Gaby Hoffman plays a bohemian who like to get naked a lot but not in a good way.

What Took Me So Long: Considering I wasn't at Sundance in 2013, I'd say what slowed me down was distribution of the movie and overall availability.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) Michael Cera goes against type in this. I've been a fan of Cera for a while and have never soured on him. I don't always like the movie he is in, but I like him and see potential for more really good stuff out of him. Largely, I'd say this is an impressive turn for him. Despite how mean he is to Hoffman's Crystal Fairy, he stays on the side of likeable to the point that I'm never angry that he is the lead. Hoffman is equally impressive in her role because it requires absolutely no shame, or more specifically, no grooming. She owns that completely and makes a character that out-there still believable.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Ok, I say this a lot (because I'm not that smart), but I really don't get this movie. I believe the friends of Michael Cera's are the brothers behind making the movie. Be it Cera, Hoffman, or them, someone feels out of place and I think it's them. Without them, it would be an odd couple roadtrip movie so it is nice to see them there. I'd've preferred exchange the group for one or two people so that they can have more complete characters. I definitely think the movie has a point. I'm just not sure it is one that needs to go for 90 minutes, which isn't such a bad thing to say. Right now, people expect at least a 90 minute movie. Not every story is a 90 minute story though.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Movie Reaction: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Formula: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles * Michael Bay

Why I Saw It: Like I'm not going to see a live-action Turtles movie?

Cast: Let's get this out of the way. Megan Fox isn't the best actress. A lot of people hold April O'Neil near and dear to their hearts, so I can understand the disappointment. She's not worse than the material she's given in this. That's all you should be expected in the first place. Will Arnett saves this movie several times. He's such a pro at delivering the hell out of a line, that he makes beats work constantly that have no business getting a laugh. The turtles are stock characters at this point. Michelangelo gets all the funny lines. Raphael has to learn a lesson about being part of a team. Leonardo is the golden-boy leader. Donatello is there for any time they need a gadget. Splinter is their Sensei  and Shredder is a non-character with a really imposing suit. They stay true to these characters, although a lot of it relies on knowing who the characters of from other incarnations. Anyone coming to this new will find all the characters painfully thin.

Plot: The plot itself is a mess. There's no way around that. It starts with a brief prologue about the Turtles before following April around for a while, as she is the only one who suspects that the turtles (or "vigilantes" as she calls them) exist. We know that the Foot Clan are the bad guys, although we don't really know their motivation. Eventually, they reveal a back story that makes the movie feel so small. Like, the kind of coincidences in how the stories intertwine would be suffocating if this was a small town. In New York, it is beyond absurd. The Foot Clan has a master plan that makes no sense at all, but it involves the turtles and a ticking clock and having to fight on the roof of a building. You know the drill.

Elephant in the Room: But what about the turtles? I'm not in the group of fans who think the original movies are anything special. They are fine and of a generation. Making a new movie is cool with me as long as they are true to an interpretation of the characters. There's a couple great moments of that (one in an elevator in particular which captured a feeling I'd've loved to see throughout the movie). The action was less hokey than in the 90s movies. There is actual fighting, and the sequences that embrace the kinetic energy of the protagonists are the best parts. I'm torn about the look of the turtles, because they look good but they look like CG. The original movies, for all their flaws did come off as real characters, like they were taking up space in the scenes. These turtles didn't so much.

Movie Theater LVPs: This goes to the row of children behind me who laughed every single time they said of showed the word "Sacks" (the name of this movie's Oscorp). I get it. I'd giggle to the first time I saw it, and there is one scene when they say "Sacks" so many times that I think they were going for a little sophomoric humor. By the end though, the laughing got annoying. To be fair, I should've known better than to see a matinee of a movie like this.

To Sum Things Up: 
The biggest issue this movie had is that it didn't know if it wanted to wink at the camera or if it wanted to take itself seriously. There's definitely some scenes that I was supposed to laugh at the irony of it all. Normally, they were bookended by scene's that I'm supposed to be emotionally invested in. Michael Bay only produced this. He didn't direct it, as a lot of people seem to think. The Transformers model (the 2007 movie) is what they should've been following. Have the human characters struggle to get used to this then adapt. Keep the turtles consistent in their tone. Insert as much frenetic action as possible to showcase what makes the turtles fun. And, keep a simple story, with antagonists that pose a clear and urgent threat. Don't be so focused on world-building or being cool for all the 20-somethings who are going to shit on this no matter what they do. I mean, this is a Nickelodeon co-production with a PG-13 rating. How is that not missing the point?

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Delayed Reaction: George of the Jungle

The Pitch: "You know what song got stuck in my head today?" "No, what?" "The George of the Jungle song." "Don't we own the properties to that?" "Yeah, I think so. Why?" "I'm about to go to a pitch meeting and I got too messed up on Quaaludes last night to come up with anything good." ...and so on and so forth.

What Took Me So Long: Simply put, I saw Disney's take on Tarzan so I didn't see a need to see their George of the Jungle too.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) Brenden Fraser has a great face for doing silly things. While I've liked him in some of his more nuanced roles, I think he is built for something big like George of the Jungle or Blast from the Past. He is so earnest that it makes a character like George work better than it should. At first, I was annoyed by the narration of the movie. The longer it went on and the more meta the humor derived from it was the more I appreciated it. Also, let us not forget that Leslie Mann is a gem no matter how she is used. For as consistently as she has worked, it's a shame that she never hit a little bigger.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: This is clearly in the category of "kids movie that puts in exactly enough to be tolerable for adults". So, the plot's pretty simple. The jokes are mostly direct. I could only see myself watching it again if I had kids (in which case I'd be petitioning for a long list of other films) or along to a drinking game (again, in which case, I'd have to think there's many more available alternatives).

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend