Movie Reaction: Need for Speed

Formula: Fast & Furious - any charm

Why I Saw It: Aaron Paul and my massive respect for him. That's it.

Cast: It's remarkable how bad an actor this movie makes Aaron Paul look like. Had I never seen him in Breaking Bad, I'd wonder what the hell he was doing in front of the camera. And that really goes for every actor in this. No one can overcome this dialogue. NO ONE. With Paul in particular, I get the feeling that the screenwriter or director watched Drive once and thought that the only thing that made Ryan Gosling's performance good was that he didn't say much. Every single character is wooden and static as can be.

Plot: A bunch of assholes have vendettas with one another and endanger thousands of innocent bystanders in order to settle their petty squabbles. That's it. Until now, I never really appreciated how much the Fast and Furious movies have to get right. Because, sure, this movie is about fast cars and cool racing scenes, so it doesn't need to be deep, but the level of douchiness of all the characters is off the charts. They laugh at homeless people who's belongings they destroy, cause highway pileups to make a point about their transmission being a little off, shrug off the police who are giving chase to them for valid reasons, and just all around at like bottom of the barrel pieces of shits. Normally, I can ignore some of this, but it is at a level that I simply cannot. There are no protagonists, just people foolish enough to feel guilty on occasion (and normally about the wrong thing).

Elephant in the Room: Is it bad because it is based off a video game? It's true that the nature of what is fun about video games is not that same as what makes a good movie. I expect to see something adapted into a worthwhile film one of these days, but this isn't it. I've never played any of the Need For Speed games but I'm guessing that they rely on joyriding around different locations at fast speeds. That's great, but in a movie, and one with very little plot, it comes off rather badly. It's why we won't be seeing a Grand Theft Auto movie that captures the spirit of the games any time soon.

To Sum Things Up:
Don't see this. Rent a Fast & Furious movie. Go driving down some country roads. Dig your Criss Cross Crash out of the attic. All of these things are more worth it. No one needs to have memories of this when Aaron Paul shows up in something else. The same goes for virtually everyone in this. As much as I disliked Non-Stop a couple weeks ago, I was nowhere near as close to walking out as I was with this.

Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend

Delayed Reaction: Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection

The Pitch: What if white people lived with Madea?

What Took Me So Long: I've had a long standing, perhaps even blind hatred of the Tyler Perry movies that I really need to grow up and get over.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) This was better than I expected. That statement certainly benefits from having the lowest possible expectations. That make it no less true however. I think this being more explicitly a comedy than some other TP movies works in its favor. It's basically a perfect strangers comedy with some race humor. Most of it is very broad. Having Eugene Levy nearly offsets also having Denise Richards. And is that lil' Romeo?

Why I Wish I Hadn't: I appreciate that it avoids the more dramatic elements of TP movies that bug me, but that still leaves a comedy that isn't funny. Any of the chuckles I got was from the pros like Doris Roberts and Levy who can be funny without saying a word. Then there's the fact that I barely even registered that the climax of the movie was happening. I don't know what I was expecting but the little bit of corporate espionage went way smoother than I expected for a comedy. All in all, I'm not as afraid to see a TP movie as I was before.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

DVR Purge: 3/6-3/13

Why can't the rest of the TV schedule respect my desire to only watch basketball for the next two weeks. I'll be honest with with you. I lost a Thursday (3/6) of TV somewhere so, I simply don't have those. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe I'll find them soon but all this basketball is really complicating matters.

Past Purges

Hannibal "Sakizuki"
I'm not sure how this show is on NBC. This episode literally featured a pits of naked people sewn together. How does that exist outside of premium cable, let alone on broadcast TV? Hannibal and Will continue their little dance. I'm still not sure how Will is supposed to get out of this mess because Hannibal has a counter-move ready for everything he tries. I assume Dr. Du Maurier cutting her ties with Hannibal means that's the last we're going to see of Gillian Anderson, which is a shame because it's so much fun to watch her and Hannibal dance around each others' words.

SNL "Lena Dunham/The National"
Through Weekend Update, that was probably the best episode of the season. It ended a little week but nothing horrible. Let's recap quickly, what made this such a great episode:
-Liam Nesson evoking his Taken persona in the opening.
-Sex talk with Lena Dunham.
-The "Ooh Baby" short, that was funny in it's own right, having the dark twist ending.
-A Scandal parody that I completely understood because I recently binged the first 2 seasons.
-The Adam and Eve sketch which was every bit as perfect a parody as Girls as the one with Tina Fey in the premiere.
-Taran Killan's amazing Matthew McConaughey impression.
-The white rap group, which wouldn't've been that funny if not for some impressive live "rapping" by Dunham, Strong, and the gang.
-Jon Ham showing up in another closed circuit talk show sketch.
Just a wonderful episode.

The Walking Dead "Alone"
I like the balance of this episode a lot. Trying to follow every group doesn't allow enough time to let any story shine. Focusing on one group for an episode gets exhausting, especially if done too much. Switching between two groups is a very happy middle. I'm kind of digging the dynamic between Beth and Darryl. It's a shame it had to be ruined by her going and getting abducted. The opening with Bob was a great one for establishing his character. Until now, he's been one of the least sketched out characters and just following him around by himself did a lot to establish him and his motivation. With the dual combining factors of the camp promised by the railroad tracks and the gang of thugs, I curious to see how this all comes together, and which groups are going to collide first. The show is heading somewhere and I'm genuinely interested to know where.

How I Met Your Mother "Daisy"
Fourth to last episode. We find out the Mother is dying last week. So, of course, we get a hijinks filled episode without the Mother that doesn't address anything from last week. Not only that. They ruined my favorite joke of the season with Lilly being pregnant. What is the point of the Kennedy package now? Not only are the writers not giving us any good new jokes, they are also ruining ones that did work. Oh, and this stuff about Barney being the same as Robyn's dad is wrong. Plain and simple. Her father and Barney have never been presented as parallels so they are forcing it now. And they didn't even have the decency to reshoot some of the scenes so that we could see a side by side of her dad and Barney doing these things.
Sidenote: I was watching this episode with a friend who, early on guessed that Lilly was pregnant. I assured her that this wasn't the case because they've had the season-long joke with the Kennedy package and no one would be so stupid as to waste a season of jokes for that. When will I learn, at this point, it is impossible to set the bar too low for this show.

Archer "Archer Vice: Smuggler' Blues"
I'm not sure what I expected this season. It's still very much feels like Archer, which is good, but I kind of thought this season was going to arc a little more than it has. That's probably for the best. It isn't a show built to be much more than a joke machine, albeit a very well written one.

Agents of SHIELD "Yes Men"
Major Asgardian episode. One of the first times this really felt like part of a larger world, and that's still the fascinating thing about it: how they allow it to coexist with the movie universe without having to bring in Tony Stark every other week. I found Skye's reaction to how she was healed very refreshing because Coulson has been harping on this for a while and I'm not completely sure what the big deal is (you're cool with other dimensions and super powers but not technology that brings you back from the dead?). I like that the show can at least get someone like Lady Sif to show up. I don't expect All-Star cameos but that feels like the a big enough one to matter and small enough to not overpower the show.

New Girl "Fired Up"
This episode made one thing above all else incredibly clear: Jess crying vs. Coach crying is not even a competition. That's not even to say that Zooey Deschanel was unfunny crying. The writers are finally figuring out how to use Damon Wayans Jr. as a weapon and I couldn't be more pleased.

Brooklyn Nine Nine "Fancy Brugdom"
Ok, Diaz and Holt saying "I'm sorry" back and forth is simply a beautiful application of both characters. I saw it in a promo before the episode and it still got me laughing when it happened. Again, my overall thoughts of the episode are a little boring because it's much easier to dissect flaws. When it's this good, there's not as much to say other than I'm enjoying it a lot.

The Middle "Stormy Moon"
I freely admit that I am a highly impressionable viewer sometimes. For example, Axl is not my favorite character on this show (perhaps on all of ABC). Do you want to know why? He had a Carbon Leaf calendar in his room. It's as simple as that. The rest of the episode was fine, but few things please me more than any exposure for Carbon Leaf. That is all.

Suburgatory "I'm Just Not That Into Me"
Carly Chaikin is amazing! I have no idea if she has a wide range of talents or if this is a Jack McBrayer playing Kenneth situation. Regardless, she plays the hell out of Dahlia. This week alone had two absolutely fantastic moments with her. First there's her lengthy and detailed description of her ideal man. Then, there's here horrified yet still indifferent response to Dallas de-glamorizing herself. Finally, she capped it all of with a surprisingly sweet moment at the end when she talked Dallas back up. Beyond that, it was a pretty unremarkable episode continuing Tessa's transition from lead character of the show to narrator.

Modern Family "Other People's Children"
A lot of good, not great. The smart person group was a funny idea as was them slowly getting picked off before realizing Alex was taking it easy on them. I think the point of Claire and Gloria's story was to get to the image of Claire running to find Lilly in the mall while wearing a wedding dress which wasn't all that funny. I'm not a huge fan of whatever's going on between Haley and the manny but he plays off Phil's energy well, so I'll allow it. Jay and Luke's story was rather pointless until they added some good sentiment at the end.

The Americans "The Walk In"
Elizabeth threatening the warehouse worker was incredibly intimidating in the most obvious yet unsaid way. Well played by Keri Russel. For the most part, I like the flashbacks we got although I'm not sure how much any of them told us they we didn't already know. I guess the point was the letter and her decision to burn it. Ok, now that I think of it, I have no issue with the flashbacks. Ignore me. I clearly am not done processing the episode. It continues a strong start to the season though.

The Big Bang Theory "The Mommy Observation"
The countdown begins for when we meet Sheldon's mother's suitor. I was pleased they made this week a continuation of last week's episode. The Sheldon/Wolowitz dynamic is one of the lesser explored ones and it is proving to do a good job humanizing Sheldon. I'm getting a little tired of every other episode following the pattern of Leonard and Penny fight about something stupid or that they should've addressed years ago and then get back together because someone says or does something conveniently diplomatic enough for them to get back together.

Community "VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing"
It's hard for me to ever complain about a week with Brie Larson. I also really appreciate how much the show has dealt with Troy leaving, especially in seeing how Abed is being dealt with. At times, you can really feel the void left by the departures of Donald Glover and, yes, Chevy Chase. Still good, but still finding a new status quo.

Parks &Recreation "New Slogan"
The show has done a good job of slowly revealing Duke Silver and of course Andy would need some prodding to get there. While it feels like a bit of a cheat, they did come up with a pretty good reason for Leslie to not want the job.

The Crazy Ones "March Madness"
I took two things away from this episode: 1) I imagine the instructions for the music were "I want a generic sounding Dropkick Murphys" and 2) I know the NCAA and Illinois high school basketball share the rights to the phrase "March Madness" and I wonder if this show wasn't on CBS, would they still be allowed to use this title?

Parenthood "Limbo"
First steps toward Joel and Julia getting back together. I am pleased.

Delayed Reaction: Jack and Jill

The Pitch: Adam Sandler crossdressing is certain to be funny.

I feel for you kid

What Took Me So Long: I don't want to dislike Adam Sandler movies, but he hasn't been aging into them well and this is a prime example.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) After something has been a punchline for long enough, it's nice to find out why firsthand. In terms of awful movies, I wouldn't call this anything special. Crossdressing Sandler either tickles you or it doesn't. They shoot both Sandler and girl Sandler on the screen at the same time as well as anything else that's tried it. There's even a pretty decent message about family and being proud of who you are that works for a "family film".

Why I Wish I Hadn't: I can't decide if Adam Sandler has been making more family comedies because he sincerely wants to make things his kids can watch or if he's been cornered into that market since he is past his Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore man-child days. You don't need me to tell you this movie doesn't work. This is certainly the wrong direction to go from Bedtime Stories. He has obviously been spending the past few years trying out some oddball projects like this or Zohan. Thankfully, his years of continued success afford him the chances to experiment like this, because I fully believe he still has some more good comedies in him and I think they will come from a non-traditional comedy because that's his style. Honestly, even Zohan is better than people give it credit for and Click isn't so bad. I've got nothing so say about Jack and Jill though. I hope he got this out of his system. Now that That's My Boy has shown him another direction not to go and Grown Ups 2 counts as another hit to get his confidence back up, I'm curious to see what's next for him.

Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend

Delayed Reaction: Adventures in Babysitting

The Pitch: With a title like that, do you need a pitch?

What Took Me So Long: I probably never would've gotten around to seeing this had it not been for a movie night setup by a friend.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) "Don't fuck with the babysitter." That's explanation enough for why it's worth seeing. It works rather beautifully as a companion piece for Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, and it's not just Keith Coogan. I love that the movie kept a PG-13 rating even though I know there was likely pressure from above to make it PG.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: It's too genial of a movie to start  picking out what I don't like about it. I mean, any movie that features a Playboy as the centerpiece for conflict is probably not worth examining too closely (need further proof? See Miss March. Or rather, DON'T see Miss March).

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Delayed Reaction: No Way Out

The Pitch: A naval story of intrigue, spies, computers, and least of all water.

What Took Me So Long: I'm good believing that this sort of movie didn't exist until A Few Good Men.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) As it is, this type of movie existed long before A Few Good Men. The more I reflect on this movie, the more I like it. It's a romance at first and turns into a cat and mouse game. For a military movie, there's very few explosions. For a navy movie, there's very few boats. It's mostly office politicking with an added shade of Russian spies. I can definitely say that I never saw the ending coming. The accusation that Costner's character is a spy is so clearly a setup, then it turns out that he actually is! That was well done. By the way, apparently, Brad Pitt is in this somewhere. I certainly don't remember seeing him.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: Computer technology ages so poorly. The amount of time spent reading through printed spreadsheets is laughable even if it is accurate. Um, other than that, it was a surprisingly not bad movie. Without the ending it would be utterly unremarkable.

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Delayed Reaction: The Presidio

The Pitch: Part RomCom. Part Cop Thriller. All fun.

What Took Me So Long: Even in 1988, this cast wouldn't've had me all that excited.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) This is a rare combination of romance, comedy, and thriller. The Mark Harmon/Meg Ryan romance part is likable enough. The father/daughter humor from Sean Connory and Ryan was entertaining enough.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: The Connery/Harmon rivalry didn't completely fit with the rest of the movie though. It was jarring how it went from the more serious elements to the lighter stuff. And, as much as I like Harmon, he is so clearly outmatched by Connery (then again, who isn't) that I'm reminded why his film career didn't take off the way he hoped.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Movie Reaction: 300: Rise of an Empire

Formula: Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World ^ 300

Why I Saw It: It looked like the most promising new release this weekend and I heard good things about Eva Green in it.

Cast: When the call sheet for the movie reads "dark-haired male with washboard abs" you can assume that those not already working for Marvel or DC are going to leave a little something to be desired. Sullivan Stapleton, best known for the show Strike Back is the lead hero, Themistokles. He is in very good shape and yells a lot. In short, he is the perfect 300 lead. Rodrigo Santoro returns as Xerxes and Lena Headey is the queen of Sparta again. Then there's a lot of other shirtless men who are in very good shape who I have never heard of before. The real star of this movie, and the one who bears the weight of its success or failure, is Eva Green who is wonderful. She's the evil, female Leonidas this movie needed, over the top in the way one must be for a 300 movie.

Plot: Like you need one? Ok, if you insist. The Battle of Thermopylae is perfect for a movie like this, hence the success of the first. The problem is, the rest of the battles of the Persian War are naval battles. I'm not sure why Marathon didn't get its own prequel but whatever. This movie pretty much covers the rest of the Persian War. There's a lengthy prologue followed by some battles on boats. That's not as intimate a setting as a land battle, so there a lot more men yelling at each other from boats and not actually fighting than in the first, but they make up for it with boat crashes. It's a fair enough trade off. While Themistokles is technically the lead and probably has the most screen time, this is more the story of Green's Artemisia trying to crush the Greeks and damn it, she's so engaging, I nearly found myself rooting for Persia.

Elephant in the Room: How accurate is it? Fuck off!!!

To Sum Things Up:
More than any sequel in recent memory, this is a case of "if you liked the original then you'll like this". It is incredibly violent, highly stylized, and not remotely historically accurate, filled with extremely fit men, some boobs too so there's something for everyone. The characters are thinly drawn but played by actors so committed to the parts that is works. I have a very hard time accepting the inaccuracy of it all, but if you don't and like all the things that 300 did, then this is going to be a treat. And, if that's not enough, don't you want to see how a movie so over the top that it involves a cavalry change in the middle of a naval battle?

Verdict (?): Weakly Recommend

Delayed Reaction: Internal Affairs

The Pitch: It's like The Shield before there was The Shield.

What Took Me So Long: The 90s wore me out on cop dramas and I'm realizing that I haven't even seen the majority of them.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) It's rare to see a movie in which the Internal Affairs department is the good guys. To be fair, Andy Garcia is only the de facto good guy because as much as the writer(s) on this screenplay loved Richard Gere's character, he couldn't be sold as a protagonist. I'm not sure whether this was a case of Gere's character being a charisma vacuum that brought down the other characters or if Garcia's character was just underwritten, but there was an imbalance there.

Why I Wish I Hadn't: This is a good cop movie with a slightly different angle. The only thing I have to say against it is that it is not the most unique movie as I constantly confused it with something I saw in other movies.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend

Delayed Reaction: Grand Canyon

The Pitch: What if, like, everyone was all connected, like we're all in this world together? Wouldn't that be something.

What Took Me So Long: Whenever a bunch of stars come together for a movie that I can't totally describe, I get worried.

Why I Saw It: (Club 50) It has a lot of good actors in it. It plays out a lot like Pay It Forward except we know how everyone is connected before the end. 

Why I Wish I Hadn't: I have to imagine the billboards for this movie said things like "It will change your life" or "A marvel of the human experience" because it plays like one big inspirational novel. I can't say I hated it while I watched it. In fact, it is very easy to watch. It's just as easy to forget too, which is a problem. Watching how the domino's fall throughout eveyone's lives doesn't play as clever like Love, Actually. Instead, it just sort of builds until...they all go to the Grand Canyon. Kevin Kline, Danny Glover, and company are solid in this and you can tell the producers wanted something transcendent to happen but it never comes close to that. My harshness probably doesn't reflect how little I found to hate about the movie.

Verdict (?): Weakly Don't Recommend