I may be too trusting but I always believe the health advice given to me by anyone wearing a matching warm-up blazer. I figure, if you are at the point where you will wear that, you probably know your shit. I feel ridiculous wearing jersey shorts if I'm not going to bed or about to do laundry. This person is willing to wear that whole ensemble, swishing pants and everything. I assume the whole set comes with a subscription to Men's Health too. Actually, if the blazer has a Men's Health logo, ask that person to train you. They must be an expert. This rule does come with some conditions though. Example, the level of reliability goes down exponentially with distance from a fitness center. Also, the older the person, the less I trust it. If you see a 74 year old with a matching blazer at Denny's at 10:30 am, stand back. He is wearing that as a fashion choice, and based on the time, you'd be interrupting his lunch.
What is the point of those suits anyway? I don't think static cling to my balls is beneficial to my health.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Best MPAA Ratings of 2011
For all the time I spend on IMDB, I come across a lot of MPAA ratings, some of which are quite funny, or oddly descriptive, or distinctly abstract, or using a word I find funny, or anything in between.
Here are my favorite one's from 2011.
Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 598 movies in 2011 and 3/4s of those are rated PG-13 for Language and Adult Content. That gets boring, so I'm sure I missed some gems. Let me know if you find any. For the sake of science, I want a complete list.
Another Note: Finding these takes a surprisingly long amount of time. There is no way the effort was worth it. I want you to know I am fully aware of this.
Yet Another Note: Fuck you! You aren't that special. You know who you are.
A Note That Actually Pertains to the Topic of the Post: I could post pictures and link to the sites and all, but that takes longer than you think, and I want the theme of this to be wasted time and lack of effort. That's my shtick.
Kung Fu Panda 2
Rated PG for sequences of martial arts action and mild violence
Rio
Rated PG for mild off color humor (original rating)
Rango
Rated PG for rude humor, language, action and smoking
Cowboys & Aliens
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of western and sci-fi action and violence, some partial nudity and a brief crude reference
Crazy, Stupid Love
Rated PG-13 for coarse humor, sexual content and language
Zookeeper
Rated PG for some rude and suggestive humor, and language
The Adventures of Tintin
Rated PG for adventure action violence, some drunkenness and brief smoking
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
Rated PG for some mild rude humor and mischief
The Artist
Rated PG-13 for a disturbing image and a crude gesture
Zookeeper
Rated PG for some rude and suggestive humor, and language
Soul Surfer
Rated PG for an intense accident sequence and some thematic material
Red Riding Hood
Rated PG-13 for violence and creature terror, and some sensuality
Beastly
Rated PG-13 for language including crude comments, brief violence and some thematic material
Drive Angry
Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, grisly images, some graphic sexual content, nudity and pervasive language
Here are my favorite one's from 2011.
Note: BoxOfficeMojo lists 598 movies in 2011 and 3/4s of those are rated PG-13 for Language and Adult Content. That gets boring, so I'm sure I missed some gems. Let me know if you find any. For the sake of science, I want a complete list.
Another Note: Finding these takes a surprisingly long amount of time. There is no way the effort was worth it. I want you to know I am fully aware of this.
Yet Another Note: Fuck you! You aren't that special. You know who you are.
A Note That Actually Pertains to the Topic of the Post: I could post pictures and link to the sites and all, but that takes longer than you think, and I want the theme of this to be wasted time and lack of effort. That's my shtick.
Kung Fu Panda 2
Rated PG for sequences of martial arts action and mild violence
Rio
Rated PG for mild off color humor (original rating)
Rango
Rated PG for rude humor, language, action and smoking
Cowboys & Aliens
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of western and sci-fi action and violence, some partial nudity and a brief crude reference
Crazy, Stupid Love
Rated PG-13 for coarse humor, sexual content and language
Zookeeper
Rated PG for some rude and suggestive humor, and language
The Adventures of Tintin
Rated PG for adventure action violence, some drunkenness and brief smoking
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
Rated PG for some mild rude humor and mischief
The Artist
Rated PG-13 for a disturbing image and a crude gesture
Zookeeper
Rated PG for some rude and suggestive humor, and language
Soul Surfer
Rated PG for an intense accident sequence and some thematic material
Red Riding Hood
Rated PG-13 for violence and creature terror, and some sensuality
Beastly
Rated PG-13 for language including crude comments, brief violence and some thematic material
Drive Angry
Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, grisly images, some graphic sexual content, nudity and pervasive language
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Backseat
The back seat in the car is awful. There is no way around this. If you are sitting in the back you get the afterbirth of what is being experienced in the front.
-The driver wants some fresh air. He rolls down the window and gets a pleasant breeze. In the back seat it’s like a tornado smacking you in the face.
-The driver wants some music. He turns the volume up to a reasonable level. Only thing is, most cars put the louder speakers in the back since it has to overcome a greater distance to reach the driver. So, a comfortable volume on the front is slightly below a sonic boom in the back.
-The driver wants to carry a conversation. He keeps his eyes on the road and talks. Everyone is pointing in the same direction. The front can hear the back easy. The back does not have the same luxury. There is the fun challenge of trying to follow a conversation using every third syllable, but it's kind of a useless skill, like cassette player repair or hostage negotiator at a leper colony.
The annoying thing about this is that the people in the front never seem to realize this. They think you hate air circulation, love their taste in music, and can hear like and owl.
The only time this is not an issue is the case of having a personal driver. And, that only works because he* is hired to fight these elements.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just tell your friend's you'll meet them there and drive separately. Recycle the beer can from the drive over to counteract the environmental impact of driving multiple cars.
*or she. See, I'm being equal opportunity, but let's be honest, being a chauffeur is hardly a girl-power moment.
-The driver wants some fresh air. He rolls down the window and gets a pleasant breeze. In the back seat it’s like a tornado smacking you in the face.
-The driver wants some music. He turns the volume up to a reasonable level. Only thing is, most cars put the louder speakers in the back since it has to overcome a greater distance to reach the driver. So, a comfortable volume on the front is slightly below a sonic boom in the back.
-The driver wants to carry a conversation. He keeps his eyes on the road and talks. Everyone is pointing in the same direction. The front can hear the back easy. The back does not have the same luxury. There is the fun challenge of trying to follow a conversation using every third syllable, but it's kind of a useless skill, like cassette player repair or hostage negotiator at a leper colony.
The annoying thing about this is that the people in the front never seem to realize this. They think you hate air circulation, love their taste in music, and can hear like and owl.
The only time this is not an issue is the case of having a personal driver. And, that only works because he* is hired to fight these elements.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just tell your friend's you'll meet them there and drive separately. Recycle the beer can from the drive over to counteract the environmental impact of driving multiple cars.
*or she. See, I'm being equal opportunity, but let's be honest, being a chauffeur is hardly a girl-power moment.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Movies That Should Be Sequels that Aren't
Movie franchises are a dime a dozen these days. It seems like every 25 million dollar movie is deemed worthy of a sequel of diminished quality. Because of this, whenever I see a couple movies with similar titles, I immediately assume they are related.
In that spirit, I give you my far from complete list of movies I thought were sequels and was very wrong about.
1. 28 Days / 28 Days Later
This is perhaps the most obvious pairing on the list. Even knowing one movie is about drug rehab and the other a zombie flick, I still have to remind myself there is no similarity at all. The most confusing part: coming out in 2000 and 2002, they even have a standard gap for sequel turnover.
2. 8MM / Super 8
Sure, both involve 8MM cameras, but in very different ways. One is a Nic Cage movie about snuff. The other is a family friendly monster movie. In other words, not too similar.
3. The Fifth Element / The Sixth Sense
Ok, this one is a stretch at first, but think about it. Came out in '97 and '99. Both staring Bruce Willis. And, there are worse names for sequels. I'm still waiting for "The 7th Wonder" or the prequel, "The Fourth Corner".
4. The Peacemaker / The Rainmaker
Undeniable naming consistency. Turns out they came out only 2 months apart. Even Ed Wood would find that kind of turnaround tough.
5. Sugar & Spice / Salt
A comedy about bank robbing cheerleaders and a somewhat capable thriller starring an A-lister who's box office success has never matched her box office success. Try watching them back-to-back. They aren't such a bad pairing.
6. 9 Months / Due Date
Ignore the 15 year gap. Both star a charming Hollywood leading man, with some of the best funny-men in the biz to keep things entertaining. The names have a journey and destination quality to them.
7. The Village / The Town
My second M.Night Shyamalan movie on the list. It'd starting to make me think he should look into franchising. The whole "big twist" schtick has certainly run its course.
8. Blue State / Red State
Haven't heard of either movie. There's good reason for it. One is a wannabe comedy about political disillusionment [and Canada] and the other is horror thriller about fundamentalists killing the kids from Footloose. Kevin Smith directed one of these and it's probably not the one you're thinking. I find it interesting note that each movie came out 3 years after the other party won the presidential election.
9. The Mexican / The American
Two movies raiding the Ocean's cookie jar. I don't know anything about them, but George Clooney has a history of taking as the lead in a franchise (Bat Nipples, anyone?).
10. Stepmom / Step Brothers
Yeah, I'm getting a little lazy with the list at this point. This is harder than it looks. The titles are similar though, no?
11. Ghost Rider / The Ghost Writer
Fuck you. Homophones count.
12. Man on a Ledge / Jumper
Ok, ok. I never would think these were a franchise, but that those titles put together are funny. I also think most people wouldn't mind a movie about Hayden Christensen jumping off a building.
I may revisit this list in the future if I find some more. Please, so let me know of any you can think of as I'm sure they're out there.
In that spirit, I give you my far from complete list of movies I thought were sequels and was very wrong about.
1. 28 Days / 28 Days Later
This is perhaps the most obvious pairing on the list. Even knowing one movie is about drug rehab and the other a zombie flick, I still have to remind myself there is no similarity at all. The most confusing part: coming out in 2000 and 2002, they even have a standard gap for sequel turnover.
2. 8MM / Super 8
Sure, both involve 8MM cameras, but in very different ways. One is a Nic Cage movie about snuff. The other is a family friendly monster movie. In other words, not too similar.
3. The Fifth Element / The Sixth Sense
Ok, this one is a stretch at first, but think about it. Came out in '97 and '99. Both staring Bruce Willis. And, there are worse names for sequels. I'm still waiting for "The 7th Wonder" or the prequel, "The Fourth Corner".
4. The Peacemaker / The Rainmaker
Undeniable naming consistency. Turns out they came out only 2 months apart. Even Ed Wood would find that kind of turnaround tough.
5. Sugar & Spice / Salt
A comedy about bank robbing cheerleaders and a somewhat capable thriller starring an A-lister who's box office success has never matched her box office success. Try watching them back-to-back. They aren't such a bad pairing.
6. 9 Months / Due Date
Ignore the 15 year gap. Both star a charming Hollywood leading man, with some of the best funny-men in the biz to keep things entertaining. The names have a journey and destination quality to them.
7. The Village / The Town
My second M.Night Shyamalan movie on the list. It'd starting to make me think he should look into franchising. The whole "big twist" schtick has certainly run its course.
8. Blue State / Red State
Haven't heard of either movie. There's good reason for it. One is a wannabe comedy about political disillusionment [and Canada] and the other is horror thriller about fundamentalists killing the kids from Footloose. Kevin Smith directed one of these and it's probably not the one you're thinking. I find it interesting note that each movie came out 3 years after the other party won the presidential election.
9. The Mexican / The American
Two movies raiding the Ocean's cookie jar. I don't know anything about them, but George Clooney has a history of taking as the lead in a franchise (Bat Nipples, anyone?).
10. Stepmom / Step Brothers
Yeah, I'm getting a little lazy with the list at this point. This is harder than it looks. The titles are similar though, no?
11. Ghost Rider / The Ghost Writer
Fuck you. Homophones count.
12. Man on a Ledge / Jumper
Ok, ok. I never would think these were a franchise, but that those titles put together are funny. I also think most people wouldn't mind a movie about Hayden Christensen jumping off a building.
I may revisit this list in the future if I find some more. Please, so let me know of any you can think of as I'm sure they're out there.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Movie Reaction: Project X
Formula: Superbad + Cloverfield
Cast:
Ably enough acted, given the structure of the movie. I can't be too harsh on anyone because no one is saying they are high caliber actors. The fact that half the cast plays characters using their real name should be a clue. And, they all play people I would never want to talk to in real life (which applies to most people anyways).
The star of the movie though, is the party. It's almost a shame they spend so much time on any character, because it's really about the rise and fall of Sodom itself.
Plot:
What? You want one of those? Pssshaw! Pretty standard. You've seen Superbad, right? Same thing except Evan throws the party, add a riot, and no character is redeemable at any point in the movie. Seriously, they are all awful people. I was hoping the movie end with the party. We see it reach it's absolute most chaotic point and ends, the main character saying something like "worth it" and the camera goes to black. There is no way to like the fallout from the party. These people all deserve to go to jail. Lives are ruined. The parents are bankrupted. Relationships are ruin forever. An ending forces everything to be alright, which is too Hollywood, even for me.
Style:
This is the only reason to see the movie, so I might as well address it. The found-footage style is absolutely the best way to shoot this. It is the only way to achieve the epic feel of the party (and it is definitely epic). My only quibble about this is that the format does stop working when every character seems too have an HD, feature film capable camera that's also water proof and apparently never runs out of space. For me, I like the found-footage format when it embraces it's limitations (see "Paranormal Activity" or "Cloverfield"), but I was aware 10 minutes in that this movie was never meant for me, in that regard.
The Elephant in the Room
The similarities between this and one of my favorite comedies of all time, Superbad, are undeniable. In fact, I think that was most of the ad campaign, and hell, that's why I saw this. I really wanted to like this, because I thought if it captured even a fraction of the charm of Superbad, it would be worth it. Turns out, a better comparison would be one of the American Pie movies. No, not that one. Not even this one. Even that one they tried on. Perhaps this one. Yeah, that works.
Superbad built characters that were fully formed and sympathetic. You had a feel for why they are friends and, more importantly, protagonists. Project X doesn't bother with any of that, which is a shame, considering it keeps asking the audience to react as if we care about them.
To Sum Things Up
There are people this movie will speak to. I saw no reason to listen. What it did right was too outweighed by what it didn't.
Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend
Cast:
Ably enough acted, given the structure of the movie. I can't be too harsh on anyone because no one is saying they are high caliber actors. The fact that half the cast plays characters using their real name should be a clue. And, they all play people I would never want to talk to in real life (which applies to most people anyways).
The star of the movie though, is the party. It's almost a shame they spend so much time on any character, because it's really about the rise and fall of Sodom itself.
Plot:
What? You want one of those? Pssshaw! Pretty standard. You've seen Superbad, right? Same thing except Evan throws the party, add a riot, and no character is redeemable at any point in the movie. Seriously, they are all awful people. I was hoping the movie end with the party. We see it reach it's absolute most chaotic point and ends, the main character saying something like "worth it" and the camera goes to black. There is no way to like the fallout from the party. These people all deserve to go to jail. Lives are ruined. The parents are bankrupted. Relationships are ruin forever. An ending forces everything to be alright, which is too Hollywood, even for me.
Style:
This is the only reason to see the movie, so I might as well address it. The found-footage style is absolutely the best way to shoot this. It is the only way to achieve the epic feel of the party (and it is definitely epic). My only quibble about this is that the format does stop working when every character seems too have an HD, feature film capable camera that's also water proof and apparently never runs out of space. For me, I like the found-footage format when it embraces it's limitations (see "Paranormal Activity" or "Cloverfield"), but I was aware 10 minutes in that this movie was never meant for me, in that regard.
The Elephant in the Room
The similarities between this and one of my favorite comedies of all time, Superbad, are undeniable. In fact, I think that was most of the ad campaign, and hell, that's why I saw this. I really wanted to like this, because I thought if it captured even a fraction of the charm of Superbad, it would be worth it. Turns out, a better comparison would be one of the American Pie movies. No, not that one. Not even this one. Even that one they tried on. Perhaps this one. Yeah, that works.
Superbad built characters that were fully formed and sympathetic. You had a feel for why they are friends and, more importantly, protagonists. Project X doesn't bother with any of that, which is a shame, considering it keeps asking the audience to react as if we care about them.
To Sum Things Up
There are people this movie will speak to. I saw no reason to listen. What it did right was too outweighed by what it didn't.
Verdict (?): Strongly Don't Recommend
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
2012 Oscars: Post-Mortem
Not a lot to say here. I feel like I should feel a lot better about getting so many right (of the major categories. Not to insult Sound Mixing or anything, but I'm not even convinced the people who voted on it knew what the category was about). Sadly, the whole thing was mainly a reminder of how little surprise is left by the time it actually comes around.
I could comment on the ceremony itself, but that's been done to death. Billy Crystal righted the ship from last year's debacle which is all anyone expected. The Bridesmaids were the best presenters as expected. Gwyneth managed to neuter Robert Downey Jr, which was sad. Uh, the circus came to town which was...not all that topical, but better than the random testimonials before the commercials.
Oh shit! I almost forgot. I finally figured out why The Artist didn't deserve to win. So, it does a great job of being a meta commentary on the whole black and white movie thing. The acting, while I look at it as somewhat limited, was done extremely well within its confines. The score was great, the dancing well choreographed, and all the technical stuff was at the highest level.
The weakness of that movie was the story. When else has a movie with such a basic story won? And when I say basic, I mean it was exactly the story I would've guessed from a 30 second trailer. There was nothing in it that was surprising, nothing I haven't seen before, and nothing that made me look at it differently. It was the most familiar movie of the 9, and that includes War Horse which played like a [very effective] "greatest hits" for Spielberg. Without an ambitious narrative, all that movie is is a movie proving that we can still make them like they did in the 20s.
This is also before mentioning the whole "bite the hand that feeds you" moral of the story which laments the move into "talkies", which have rightfully defined film-making since when the movie was set.
There are ways to praise the movies of the past without damning those of the present for being different from them. For a great example of that, look no further than Hugo. That movie praises film for it's ability to enhance a story and go beyond the limitations of what came before. In that, Scorsese is telling people to cherish the movies of yesterday for how they led us to the films of today. Alternately, The Artist attacks the movies of today for changing from the movies before them.
Sorry. I guess this turned into more of a rebuttal to the argument for The Artist's greatness rather than saying anything about the Oscars themselves. Whatever. It was either that or I talk about my thoughts on dryer lint or something.
I could comment on the ceremony itself, but that's been done to death. Billy Crystal righted the ship from last year's debacle which is all anyone expected. The Bridesmaids were the best presenters as expected. Gwyneth managed to neuter Robert Downey Jr, which was sad. Uh, the circus came to town which was...not all that topical, but better than the random testimonials before the commercials.
Oh shit! I almost forgot. I finally figured out why The Artist didn't deserve to win. So, it does a great job of being a meta commentary on the whole black and white movie thing. The acting, while I look at it as somewhat limited, was done extremely well within its confines. The score was great, the dancing well choreographed, and all the technical stuff was at the highest level.
The weakness of that movie was the story. When else has a movie with such a basic story won? And when I say basic, I mean it was exactly the story I would've guessed from a 30 second trailer. There was nothing in it that was surprising, nothing I haven't seen before, and nothing that made me look at it differently. It was the most familiar movie of the 9, and that includes War Horse which played like a [very effective] "greatest hits" for Spielberg. Without an ambitious narrative, all that movie is is a movie proving that we can still make them like they did in the 20s.
This is also before mentioning the whole "bite the hand that feeds you" moral of the story which laments the move into "talkies", which have rightfully defined film-making since when the movie was set.
There are ways to praise the movies of the past without damning those of the present for being different from them. For a great example of that, look no further than Hugo. That movie praises film for it's ability to enhance a story and go beyond the limitations of what came before. In that, Scorsese is telling people to cherish the movies of yesterday for how they led us to the films of today. Alternately, The Artist attacks the movies of today for changing from the movies before them.
Sorry. I guess this turned into more of a rebuttal to the argument for The Artist's greatness rather than saying anything about the Oscars themselves. Whatever. It was either that or I talk about my thoughts on dryer lint or something.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Obligatory Oscar Picks
I guess since I put in the time to mathematically break down the Oscar winner for best picture and all, and TV and Movies is about the only thing I talk about on this originally intended "eclectic" blog, and my loyal followers (See: People I'll be watching this with anyways) are dying to know that I'm going straight chalk with my picks, and I like to have something I can point to when all my picks were right but also delete when they turn out horribly incorrect...uh...this was going somewhere...Oh yeah, for all those reasons, here are my Oscar Picks.
Best Motion Picture of the Year
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Hugo (War Horse and The Help were both considered for different comedic purposes)
My Favorite: Hugo
If this wins, I officially give up: Extremely Lous and Incredibly Misguided
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Winner: Jean Dujardin
Dark Horse: Brad Pitt
My Favorite: George Clooney
If this wins, I officially give up: Demián Bichir (just because I don't know who he is)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Winner: Viola Davis
Dark Horse: Meryle Streep
My Favorite: Michelle Williams
If this wins, I officially give up: Rooney Mara
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Winner: Christopher Plummer
Dark Horse: Max von Sydow
My Favorite: Nick Nolte
If this wins, I officially give up: Joneah Hill (I'm still not comfortable seeing skinny Jonah)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Winner: Octavia Spencer
Dark Horse: Bérénice Bejo
My Favorite: Melissa McCarthy
If this wins, I officially give up: Janet McTeer
Best Achievement in Directing
Winner: Michel Hazanavicius
Dark Horse: Martin Scorsese
My Favorite: Martin Scorsese
If this wins, I officially give up: Woody Allen (because I'm afraid of taking heat if I say Terrence Malick)
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Winner: Midnight in Paris
Dark Horse: The Artist
My Favorite: Bridesmaids
If this wins, I officially give up: Magin Call (seriously, who saw this?)
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Winner: The Descendants
Dark Horse: Moneyball
My Favorite: The Descendants (I really want Community promos advertising "Oscar Winner Jim Rash)
If this wins, I officially give up: The Ides of March (Congratulations. You found a way to make a movie about the Democratic Primaries boring!)
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Winner: Rango
Dark Horse: -
My Favorite: Rango
If this wins, I officially give up: Cars 2 (through a write-in campaign)
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Winner: A Separation
Dark Horse: Monsieur Lazhar (when in doubt, pick the one that's hardest to say)
My Favorite: A Separation
If this wins, I officially give up: Footnote (the title reminds me too much of Footloose)
Best Achievement in Cinematography
Winner: Hugo
Dark Horse: The Tree of Life
My Favorite: The Tree of Life (say what you will, but this movie deserves this much)
If this wins, I officially give up: The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo
Best Achievement in Editing
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Moneyball
My Favorite: Moneyball
If this wins, I officially give up: The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo
Best Achievement in Art Direction
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Hugo
My Favorite: Midnight in Paris
If this wins, I officially give up: I'm ok with all these
Best Achievement in Costume Design
Winner: The Artist (when in doubt, go straight chalk)
Dark Horse: Anonymous
My Favorite: The Artist
If this wins, I officially give up: W.E.
Best Achievement in Makeup
Winner: Iron Lady
Dark Horse: Harry Potter
My Favorite: Harry Potter
If this wins, I officially give up: Albert Nobbs (I don't actually care, but there's only three nominees)
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Hugo
My Favorite: War Horse (It's almost unfair putting anyone here against The Artist, but I really liked John Williams' work in this)
If this wins, I officially give up: The Adventures of Tin Tin (Because if you pick a John Williams nominee, it should be War Horse)
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Winner: "Man of Muppet" (The Muppets)
Dark Horse: "Real in Rio" (Rio) [Default Pick]
My Favorite: Anything else from The Muppets
If this wins, I officially give up: "Real in Rio"
Best Achievement in Sound Mixing
Winner: War Horse
Dark Horse: Hugo
My Favorite: War Horse
If this wins, I officially give up: Transformers 3
Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Winner: Hugo
Dark Horse: War Horse
My Favorite: Drive
If this wins, I officially give up: Transformers 3
Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Winner: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Dark Horse: Harry Potter
My Favorite: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
If this wins, I officially give up: Real Steel
Best Documentary, Features
Winner: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Dark Horse: Pina
My Favorite: Project Nim [Note: Not actually nominated]
If this wins, I officially give up: This implies I've seen any of these
Best Documentary, Short Subjects
Winner: God is the Bigger Elvis [My favorite of the nominated titles]
Dark Horse: The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom [Second favorite title]
My Favorite: Incident in New Baghdad [Third favorite title]
If this wins, I officially give up: Saving Face [Least favorite title]
Best Short Film, Animated
[See reasoning for "Best Documentary, Short Subjects"]
Winner: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
Dark Horse: La Luna
My Favorite: Sunday [Only if it's a documentary about the making of the music video for "Friday"]
If this wins, I officially give up: A Morning Stroll
Best Short Film, Live Action
[See reasoning for "Best Documentary, Short Subjects"]
Winner: Tuba Atlantic
Dark Horse: Pentecost
My Favorite: Time Freak
If this wins, I officially give up: Raju
There you go. I predict this will be 63% accurate.
Best Motion Picture of the Year
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Hugo (War Horse and The Help were both considered for different comedic purposes)
My Favorite: Hugo
If this wins, I officially give up: Extremely Lous and Incredibly Misguided
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Winner: Jean Dujardin
Dark Horse: Brad Pitt
My Favorite: George Clooney
If this wins, I officially give up: Demián Bichir (just because I don't know who he is)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Winner: Viola Davis
Dark Horse: Meryle Streep
My Favorite: Michelle Williams
If this wins, I officially give up: Rooney Mara
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Winner: Christopher Plummer
Dark Horse: Max von Sydow
My Favorite: Nick Nolte
If this wins, I officially give up: Joneah Hill (I'm still not comfortable seeing skinny Jonah)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Winner: Octavia Spencer
Dark Horse: Bérénice Bejo
My Favorite: Melissa McCarthy
If this wins, I officially give up: Janet McTeer
Best Achievement in Directing
Winner: Michel Hazanavicius
Dark Horse: Martin Scorsese
My Favorite: Martin Scorsese
If this wins, I officially give up: Woody Allen (because I'm afraid of taking heat if I say Terrence Malick)
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Winner: Midnight in Paris
Dark Horse: The Artist
My Favorite: Bridesmaids
If this wins, I officially give up: Magin Call (seriously, who saw this?)
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Winner: The Descendants
Dark Horse: Moneyball
My Favorite: The Descendants (I really want Community promos advertising "Oscar Winner Jim Rash)
If this wins, I officially give up: The Ides of March (Congratulations. You found a way to make a movie about the Democratic Primaries boring!)
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Winner: Rango
Dark Horse: -
My Favorite: Rango
If this wins, I officially give up: Cars 2 (through a write-in campaign)
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Winner: A Separation
Dark Horse: Monsieur Lazhar (when in doubt, pick the one that's hardest to say)
My Favorite: A Separation
If this wins, I officially give up: Footnote (the title reminds me too much of Footloose)
Best Achievement in Cinematography
Winner: Hugo
Dark Horse: The Tree of Life
My Favorite: The Tree of Life (say what you will, but this movie deserves this much)
If this wins, I officially give up: The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo
Best Achievement in Editing
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Moneyball
My Favorite: Moneyball
If this wins, I officially give up: The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo
Best Achievement in Art Direction
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Hugo
My Favorite: Midnight in Paris
If this wins, I officially give up: I'm ok with all these
Best Achievement in Costume Design
Winner: The Artist (when in doubt, go straight chalk)
Dark Horse: Anonymous
My Favorite: The Artist
If this wins, I officially give up: W.E.
Best Achievement in Makeup
Winner: Iron Lady
Dark Horse: Harry Potter
My Favorite: Harry Potter
If this wins, I officially give up: Albert Nobbs (I don't actually care, but there's only three nominees)
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Winner: The Artist
Dark Horse: Hugo
My Favorite: War Horse (It's almost unfair putting anyone here against The Artist, but I really liked John Williams' work in this)
If this wins, I officially give up: The Adventures of Tin Tin (Because if you pick a John Williams nominee, it should be War Horse)
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Winner: "Man of Muppet" (The Muppets)
Dark Horse: "Real in Rio" (Rio) [Default Pick]
My Favorite: Anything else from The Muppets
If this wins, I officially give up: "Real in Rio"
Best Achievement in Sound Mixing
Winner: War Horse
Dark Horse: Hugo
My Favorite: War Horse
If this wins, I officially give up: Transformers 3
Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Winner: Hugo
Dark Horse: War Horse
My Favorite: Drive
If this wins, I officially give up: Transformers 3
Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Winner: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Dark Horse: Harry Potter
My Favorite: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
If this wins, I officially give up: Real Steel
Best Documentary, Features
Winner: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Dark Horse: Pina
My Favorite: Project Nim [Note: Not actually nominated]
If this wins, I officially give up: This implies I've seen any of these
Best Documentary, Short Subjects
Winner: God is the Bigger Elvis [My favorite of the nominated titles]
Dark Horse: The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom [Second favorite title]
My Favorite: Incident in New Baghdad [Third favorite title]
If this wins, I officially give up: Saving Face [Least favorite title]
Best Short Film, Animated
[See reasoning for "Best Documentary, Short Subjects"]
Winner: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
Dark Horse: La Luna
My Favorite: Sunday [Only if it's a documentary about the making of the music video for "Friday"]
If this wins, I officially give up: A Morning Stroll
Best Short Film, Live Action
[See reasoning for "Best Documentary, Short Subjects"]
Winner: Tuba Atlantic
Dark Horse: Pentecost
My Favorite: Time Freak
If this wins, I officially give up: Raju
There you go. I predict this will be 63% accurate.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Why I Cut the Oscars Some Slack
Every year it's the same thing, "The Oscars suck". Granted, we all watch them or know who the winners are or 10 years down the road start trusting their pick like it was right. It happens. It's the biggest awards ceremony and the one with the most history (I'm not researching that. It's probably true). But, no one really let's the Oscars change their minds about a favorite or least favorite movie. I still hate "Million Dollar Baby" and love "Return of the King". I still don't get "Slumdog Millionaire" and think "Dark Knight" got snubbed.
Also, the LA Times (I think. Once again, this blog gets about a dozen hits, so I'm not researching, just riffing) came out with an article recently about the membership that has a bunch of people crying for reform, or at the very least, gives yet another reason to point to how insignificant it should really be.
The results are pretty damning too. The Academy is over 90% white, over 75% male, and a solid majority voted for LBJ. That is not very diverse at all. It hardly represents the average person's pick for best movie and there are huge segments of the population that are barely, if at all represented. Apparently the voting body is only about 5000 too, which some people say is pretty small. Personally, that seems as big as any other voting body for this sort of thing.
The Oscars are a fun ceremony though, and I kind of hate that it gets shat on so much, so I'd like to help it out a little. Now, where to begin...
Let's start with the membership. No fucking duh the membership looks like that.
1) It's lifetime membership and the only thing white than Hollywood now, is Hollywood then. Also, lifetime membership implies a certain age discrepancy. Unless you want to start smothering Warren Beatty in his sleep, there's not a solution to that. And, I don't mean to repeat myself here, but the only bigger boys' club than Hollywood now is Hollywood then. I think the thing really, that people should be looking into is the breakdown of the new membership now. Let's make sure those numbers make sense so this can self-correct itself over time.
2) The Academy Awards are a reactionary group. Hollywood dictates them, not the other way around. Blame the demographics of Hollywood for this. The Academy picks from those available. Now, if Lindsay Lohan gets in but Raven Simone doesn't then we'll talk.
3) I've very OK with the age range. It's a little on the old side (see Lifetime Membership) but the best people in a field generally are older. The goal of the Oscars in it's simplest form, is to have people who know movies best decide on the best that year has to offer. Sure, that almost never happens, but blame the industry, not the demographics of the voters. The closest analogy to this is Obama. Sure he's black, but he's still a politician doing what politicians do.
Here's a good one. What does "best" even mean? It's subjective, of course. Personally, I'm alright with a little subjectivity in my best picture winner. Considering, the closest you can get to an objective measure would be Box Office Gross + Movie Rentals + Movie Purchases. I don't like that system, because then Twilight would be on a Mad Men-like winning streak. I'd pick a movie about middle-aged white guys with first world problems over vampires just about any day of the week.
The best the Academy can do is to get votes from the most divisions of the industry as possible to come up with something. If you want it to be a popular vote, watch the People's Choice Awards and see how you like those results.
Lastly, and I think, most importantly, do the Oscars actually get to decide anything? I mean really. It's almost March by the time this ceremony comes around (and that's earlier than it used to be). It is the last awards ceremony for movies. Even by the time the nominations come out it's virtually decided who the frontrunners (see: Only movies that could win) are.
Let's take this year for example. The Artist is going to win. A "shock" would be The Descendants or Hugo and even those would be pretty expected. Octavia Spencer will collect the Supporting Actress and Christopher Plummer will get his lifetime achievement award. We know so many of the picks because every other guild, critics association, and film studies group has picked the same exact movies.
Can the Oscars really take some much of the blame for lacking imagination in their picks if they are the same ones all the other groups are narrowing their lists down to?I think it's a healthy load of bullshit for The Artist, but it's not like the Oscars are stubbornly backing that movie even though there's a clearly more deserving movie that everyone else is recognizing. Internationally, the same dumbasses are making the same dumbass picks.
I guess what I'm really getting at is, can't we say the awards season sucks, not just the Oscars?
(And yes, this was an abrupt ending because I have completely lost my train of thought at I refuse to outline this.
Also, the LA Times (I think. Once again, this blog gets about a dozen hits, so I'm not researching, just riffing) came out with an article recently about the membership that has a bunch of people crying for reform, or at the very least, gives yet another reason to point to how insignificant it should really be.
The results are pretty damning too. The Academy is over 90% white, over 75% male, and a solid majority voted for LBJ. That is not very diverse at all. It hardly represents the average person's pick for best movie and there are huge segments of the population that are barely, if at all represented. Apparently the voting body is only about 5000 too, which some people say is pretty small. Personally, that seems as big as any other voting body for this sort of thing.
The Oscars are a fun ceremony though, and I kind of hate that it gets shat on so much, so I'd like to help it out a little. Now, where to begin...
Let's start with the membership. No fucking duh the membership looks like that.
1) It's lifetime membership and the only thing white than Hollywood now, is Hollywood then. Also, lifetime membership implies a certain age discrepancy. Unless you want to start smothering Warren Beatty in his sleep, there's not a solution to that. And, I don't mean to repeat myself here, but the only bigger boys' club than Hollywood now is Hollywood then. I think the thing really, that people should be looking into is the breakdown of the new membership now. Let's make sure those numbers make sense so this can self-correct itself over time.
2) The Academy Awards are a reactionary group. Hollywood dictates them, not the other way around. Blame the demographics of Hollywood for this. The Academy picks from those available. Now, if Lindsay Lohan gets in but Raven Simone doesn't then we'll talk.
3) I've very OK with the age range. It's a little on the old side (see Lifetime Membership) but the best people in a field generally are older. The goal of the Oscars in it's simplest form, is to have people who know movies best decide on the best that year has to offer. Sure, that almost never happens, but blame the industry, not the demographics of the voters. The closest analogy to this is Obama. Sure he's black, but he's still a politician doing what politicians do.
Here's a good one. What does "best" even mean? It's subjective, of course. Personally, I'm alright with a little subjectivity in my best picture winner. Considering, the closest you can get to an objective measure would be Box Office Gross + Movie Rentals + Movie Purchases. I don't like that system, because then Twilight would be on a Mad Men-like winning streak. I'd pick a movie about middle-aged white guys with first world problems over vampires just about any day of the week.
The best the Academy can do is to get votes from the most divisions of the industry as possible to come up with something. If you want it to be a popular vote, watch the People's Choice Awards and see how you like those results.
Lastly, and I think, most importantly, do the Oscars actually get to decide anything? I mean really. It's almost March by the time this ceremony comes around (and that's earlier than it used to be). It is the last awards ceremony for movies. Even by the time the nominations come out it's virtually decided who the frontrunners (see: Only movies that could win) are.
Let's take this year for example. The Artist is going to win. A "shock" would be The Descendants or Hugo and even those would be pretty expected. Octavia Spencer will collect the Supporting Actress and Christopher Plummer will get his lifetime achievement award. We know so many of the picks because every other guild, critics association, and film studies group has picked the same exact movies.
Can the Oscars really take some much of the blame for lacking imagination in their picks if they are the same ones all the other groups are narrowing their lists down to?I think it's a healthy load of bullshit for The Artist, but it's not like the Oscars are stubbornly backing that movie even though there's a clearly more deserving movie that everyone else is recognizing. Internationally, the same dumbasses are making the same dumbass picks.
I guess what I'm really getting at is, can't we say the awards season sucks, not just the Oscars?
(And yes, this was an abrupt ending because I have completely lost my train of thought at I refuse to outline this.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Too Much Free Time
All the time people tell me, "you have too much free time." I don't really deny it. I never have denied it. Frankly, I don't know how other people manage to fill their time. I work a full time job, have plans most of the nights of the week, run errands. Still, I manage to binge three seasons of 3rd Rock from the Sun in a week, stay on top of my Netflix queue, listen to podcasts, stay of top of basketball scores, waste a few hours reading about Polpot, and write shit like this. I'm not efficient, so I can't use the argument that I'm too efficient and that's what gives me so much free time.
I'm starting to think I'm simply being more honest about it. All the time I'm asking people how they killed their time that day and they say something like "too busy".
A few times a year, I'll even plan a day where I will be busy, start to finish. Christmas shopping for example. I will plan to go all over town all day long, with plans to do stuff with friends afterwards or something. All day long I will make mention to people "I might be a little late" or "Running way behind schedule. Might have to push it back to 9 instead of 8." Despite myself, I'm still done by 6, and that's only because I wasted an hour and a half at the food court in the mall watching muted Sportcenter.
It shouldn't surprise me though. These are the same people I didn't understand in school. In grade school and middle school, when everyone has the exact same classes, they always complain about having so much homework. I'll give a pass to people in High School because the one I went to could be intense, but even still, no job, not sports, no clubs, how can you be that busy especially since every TV show I talk about from the night before they've see too. College is the one that finally made me realize these people were full of shit. Now, I'm smart. I admit that, but I am by no means especially smart. I had median qualifications to get into my college of choice. Most of the people I hung out with were as smart as me, or smarter, but I never complained about having too much work to do. Even my worst semesters were easily manageable, even with a job. Still, there were always some people who claimed to have so much to do. Granted, I was fine with A-/B+s. They were going for As. Is a 10% grade really worth the grief though?
Now it's really confusing, because people aren't even in school. Maybe one day I'll have an actual busy life. Until then, I guess too much free time will continue to be the albatross around my neck.
I'm starting to think I'm simply being more honest about it. All the time I'm asking people how they killed their time that day and they say something like "too busy".
A few times a year, I'll even plan a day where I will be busy, start to finish. Christmas shopping for example. I will plan to go all over town all day long, with plans to do stuff with friends afterwards or something. All day long I will make mention to people "I might be a little late" or "Running way behind schedule. Might have to push it back to 9 instead of 8." Despite myself, I'm still done by 6, and that's only because I wasted an hour and a half at the food court in the mall watching muted Sportcenter.
It shouldn't surprise me though. These are the same people I didn't understand in school. In grade school and middle school, when everyone has the exact same classes, they always complain about having so much homework. I'll give a pass to people in High School because the one I went to could be intense, but even still, no job, not sports, no clubs, how can you be that busy especially since every TV show I talk about from the night before they've see too. College is the one that finally made me realize these people were full of shit. Now, I'm smart. I admit that, but I am by no means especially smart. I had median qualifications to get into my college of choice. Most of the people I hung out with were as smart as me, or smarter, but I never complained about having too much work to do. Even my worst semesters were easily manageable, even with a job. Still, there were always some people who claimed to have so much to do. Granted, I was fine with A-/B+s. They were going for As. Is a 10% grade really worth the grief though?
Now it's really confusing, because people aren't even in school. Maybe one day I'll have an actual busy life. Until then, I guess too much free time will continue to be the albatross around my neck.
Friday, February 3, 2012
"Forest Maze" "Help"
There are some lessons not worth teaching. A big one for me is learning to ask for help. There's value to that, but not when it's being taught by dumbasses.
My freshman year of High School, I had to go on this class retreat and one of those activities was called the "forest maze" where they blindfold you and tell you to follow a series of ropes tied to some trees. From the beginning I couldn't understand how that was a maze, but I wasn't at school, so I wasn't complaining...yet. And the whole time you are blindfolded they tell you to ask if you need any help with the maze. In reality, the "maze" was rope tied to a circle of trees. The only way out was by asking for help. It was fascinating in a nihilist sort of way, blind and going nowhere, but I don't think the people in charge looked at it that way.
This "brilliant" activity rewarded both those too lazy to complete the simple task of asking for help when told to and, of course, those too stupid to hold onto a rope. I, as would be expected, lasted a very long time in this "maze" because 1) I did not need help (beyond being saved from misguided educators) and 2) I took my teacher's word that it was a maze (not a half-assed riddle) and that we were in the middle of a trust exercise. Eventually, they gave up on the last few people left. I wasn't one of them because one of the people already eliminated (or did they win, I honestly don't know) came up to me and spilled the beans. In my mind, that handful of people still playing toward the end were admirable in their own way. They played the game right. They didn't ask for help because they didn't need it. It's following a fucking rope and if they really needed actual help, nothing was stopping them from taking off the blindfold.
God! What a waste of fucking time.
It's a good thing that I lasted toward the end though. I'm not sure how long I'd last if I had to see the "aw, shucks" reactions of people learning their "lesson". I thought it was dumb as shit then and 10 years later, I still do. If only I knew then how to express it.
My freshman year of High School, I had to go on this class retreat and one of those activities was called the "forest maze" where they blindfold you and tell you to follow a series of ropes tied to some trees. From the beginning I couldn't understand how that was a maze, but I wasn't at school, so I wasn't complaining...yet. And the whole time you are blindfolded they tell you to ask if you need any help with the maze. In reality, the "maze" was rope tied to a circle of trees. The only way out was by asking for help. It was fascinating in a nihilist sort of way, blind and going nowhere, but I don't think the people in charge looked at it that way.
This "brilliant" activity rewarded both those too lazy to complete the simple task of asking for help when told to and, of course, those too stupid to hold onto a rope. I, as would be expected, lasted a very long time in this "maze" because 1) I did not need help (beyond being saved from misguided educators) and 2) I took my teacher's word that it was a maze (not a half-assed riddle) and that we were in the middle of a trust exercise. Eventually, they gave up on the last few people left. I wasn't one of them because one of the people already eliminated (or did they win, I honestly don't know) came up to me and spilled the beans. In my mind, that handful of people still playing toward the end were admirable in their own way. They played the game right. They didn't ask for help because they didn't need it. It's following a fucking rope and if they really needed actual help, nothing was stopping them from taking off the blindfold.
God! What a waste of fucking time.
It's a good thing that I lasted toward the end though. I'm not sure how long I'd last if I had to see the "aw, shucks" reactions of people learning their "lesson". I thought it was dumb as shit then and 10 years later, I still do. If only I knew then how to express it.
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