Rant: Passing Cops

I'm Catholic*, so I naturally feel guilty about everything always. One of my least favorite things, as a result, is passing a cop on the street. I'm guilty of something and he knows it, right? Generally this is a brief encounter, like the Doppler effect, it builds exponentially, very quickly and very strong, then fades to nothing immediately. My delicate psyche can handle this in doses. Humans adapt.

*by birth.

Then comes the day when I'm walking to class just as the Police Academy (yeah, those are real) lets out. Seeing it coming, a wave of cops let out of the building now heading my way, I prepare for a massive doppler, only I fail to realize that I am on a narrow sidewalk. Bottle-necking happens and now I have to pass by 50 cops, single file.

First cop passes.
Look innocent, Alex.
But, I am innocent. Good job.

More cops. Keep looking innocent, like you aren't guilty of anything.
But I am guilty of nothing. I'm walking to class. It's 9 in the morning.
More. Good. Look like you aren't carrying anything illegal. That should be easy.
I'm not. Exactly. One looks at me.
Shit. I look too innocent, like I'm trying to look innocent. Like I'm hiding something.
Oh god. Another one looked at me. Walk faster.
Why are you doing that?
It only calls more attention to yourself.
What! They were already noticing me.
Even more pass.
Oh god! All of them see me. They know I'm up to no good.
Shit, cross the street now.
But there's cars. That's jaywalking.
Lesser of two evils. I'd rather go down for jaywalking than something else.
What else? You've done nothing wrong.
So naive. They could stop me for suspicious behavior. Then they will learn all my secrets.
Well, walking in the middle of traffic is pretty suspicious. Hold out a little longer.
Poker games, internet downloads, that night I chugged a beer before driving hone. It's all come crashing down. They know. They know it all. Every minor and major infraction and misdeed I've ever done in my life. I'm going do, for the long haul.
I hope they don't use guns. Maybe they'll just tase me, or force me to the ground. Should I resist? That will only make it harder.
But I'm innocent dammit. Innocent!!!
Huh, what's that? They've all passed. No one stopped me? Good. I got away this time.
Boy does it feel great to be innocent.

...
...
...
Hey. Who's that ahead. It's a professor.
Oh no. He knows I cheated.
But I didn't cheat.
Good. Keep repeating that...