Braille

Oops. Forgot I had this blog. I'm taking a stab at footnotes this time, although I'm not in the mood to figure out that numbering stuff, so asterisks will do.

Fun fact: Until I had this typed up, I had no idea I've been misspelling "braille" for years. On the plus side, it never insulted any blind people.

Braille
I can appreciate trying to be considerate to peoples' assorted disabilities, but there's one that always bothers me: braille. It's great that places try to be accommodating, but a lot of these efforts are made without a lot of common sense.
The other day, I'm at the movie theater, which I assume still has some appeal to a blind person, although, with the prices these days I think they would be smart just to rent it*. At the theater, I notice they have braille on the wall saying** "Men" or "Women". That seems like a nice idea. Well intentioned, yes, but what it the point? Unless the person is walking around with arms out like a zombie*** they don't stand a chance to find the bathroom. Even if they do the zombie method, it's still like hitting a dart board with a blindfold on****. I would assume the person would probably get some assistance from a friend*****, and what douchey friend would lead a blind person all the way to the restroom entrance and say "You figure out which one's right. There's braille." So what I'm getting at is, unless you are going to start making braille menus and theater breakdowns with maps one can feel and step counts and maybe even a system of ropes one can follow, I kind of wonder why even bother?
The part I find morbidly funny: Exits aren't marked in braille. Hopefully the only emergency the blind man in a theater faces is indigestion, because if there's a fire, he's fucked.

*I think they are the one group that the 3-D craze in completely lost on.
**I assume this, since I can't read braille.
***Although my understanding is that blind people, in fact, do not want to call attention to themselves, so I do not recommend this.
****Yes, I realize an eyesight metaphor is crass given the topic at hand.
*****Because, really, why would they go alone.

Some Thoughts on Funerals

There really is nothing so morbid as a closed casket wake. If you don't know what I mean by that then I pity you.

Let's use my own personal example. I'm like 12, been to probably a dozen of these things [wakes], which is already morbid enough when you think about it (I'd been to maybe half as many weddings at that point). I've been to these things for natural causes, diseases, even a bank robbery gone wrong. Open casket every time. I get to this thing, a murder-suicide, I think. I go up to the casket as soon as I get there (because I'm all about judging what they wear), and the casket is closed.

Of course, the only thing I (and everyone else whether they admit it or not so don't judge me) am wondering is what is in there. Now, I know I'm still young enough at that point to ask about it and people call it childhood curiosity instead of being rude or morbid. So, I ask why it's closed and the only explanation I get from anyone is that they couldn't save the face or something about only being able to stop so much swelling. That only deepens my desire to see that. And, I know it's not just me because everyone is keeping a larger than normal radius from the casket but looking at it twice as much. At this point I'm left feeling like an ass for wanting to see it, but still unable to get the money shot.

Oh well, it did save me from having to see the body which is generally my least favorite part. I always hate that feeling that the body is going to wake up and say "boo". All I know is that I'm staying ready in case someone ever tries to give me the Tom Sayer treatment.That person gets up, I'm putting 'em back down. I'm not going to two of these things for you.

By the way, if you are thinking about it, a funeral is a bad time to come out. Really tasteless. That's not to say this has happened at a funeral I've been to, but I have thought about it before while I was on the hunt for some peppermints.

Question: how long do you have to be in the room with the body before you are allowed to look for the food? And, why does the food always suck? And, why aren't you allowed to complain about the food? I'm pretty sure Great Aunt Sue didn't want to be thought of as too cheap to spring for more than a fruit plate, pretzels, and off brand 2-liters. Get some good food, but here's the thing. Don't get the dead person's favorite food. That's kind of a dick move. Get his favorite food when he can still enjoy it. Personally, I say, at the reception (still don't know why funerals have those. Dead and buried is used as a metaphor for being done with something), serve food the deceased hated. This is the chance to finally have sushi, now that grandpa isn't there to bitch about the Japs trying to kill us with their food.

For my funeral, here's my idea. I want it to be a roast. Invite everybody over, have them rip me a new one. Only difference, I would record my insults and play them at the beginning, not the end, because I'm not stupid. I know people will hold back if I don't give them reason to go after me. I want the only thing to keep people from walking out after my video is played to be that they will have their chance to fire back.

Orange Rhyme

I am a firm believer in dicking-around with my time, but I'm no amateur when it comes to wasting time. The other day, I spent an hour trying to come up with words that rhyme with orange. I knew there weren't any, but I was going to make sure I wasted that time. It worked pretty well except for twice when I lost my place and tried to rhyme orange with itself and once when I forgot the color I picked and made a pretty good list for red. The whole time I felt like I was doing something wrong but I was so determined to fight brain activity that I let it go on for a while.